Girl on phone: Fuck you if you’re old!
Sophomore Guy 1: I’ve got to go to the EQuad to work on my EPICs project. Sophomore Guy 2: Ah what do you read for that, The Odyssey?
Girl discussing a suspected cheater: I just don’t understand how he can lie that well! He’s either a professional or he’s crazy. [beat] And I mean, his favorite movie is Beautiful Mind…
Frantic Nass editor: Who has scholarship lying around?
Oblivious girl on phone: I mean, all claims of elder abuse aside…
Finance bro: Jesus doesn’t like pussy
Woke sophomore: It all kind of just boils down to sexism.
Manic freshman girl: I just have nothing to concentrate on, so I just concentrate on dumb stuff. Like marrying Rob. You know? Just dumb stuff.
Knowledgeable sophomore: The football team loves listening to Sufjan Stevens.
Boy, walking away: It was nice meeting you! *No response; boy stops, comes back.* Boy: Oh, it wasn’t nice meeting me? Girl, with forced smile: It was nice meeting you!
Sophomore who doesn’t give a damn: I don’t know anything about his personality but I know so much about his dick.
Liberal Activist 1: I feel like pegging has the potential to take down the patriarchy. Liberal Activist 2: Who is Peggy?
Male lacrosse player, on The New Yorker: Is that a girls’ gossip thing?
Guy at a table with friends: Eisgruber is doing a great job. (all laugh)
Sophomore, self-diagnosing: I have like road-head scoliosis.
Gay humanist junior: Wow, the professor literally just mansplained us the syllabus for 80 minutes.
Gossiping table: I really forgot how crazy her face was.
Upper West Sider: Denying the Holocaust is better than being a moral relativist.
Group of girls, leaving the street: She was wearing stilettos. I mean, you do you… but she was doing you all wrong.
Jewish girl: You’ll be happy to know my bat mitzvah was at a bowling alley – an upscale bowling alley.
Ivy soph: I just don’t get social climbing vibes from him… maybe the fact that he’s using me to climb is clouding my judgment.
Lapsed Episcopalian Upper East Sider, eating her acai bowl: I spent last Easter at Sunday Funday.
Student in fur coat, using heavy-duty stapler, whispering to self: I feel like a grown-ass woman.
Female athlete, on leaving her belongings unattended: Yeah, I’m just a trust-y… uh… trusti— um… I trust people a lot.
Zete pledge: I think they should make pledging a requirement…like writing sem.