Lapsed Episcopalian Upper East Sider, eating her acai bowl: I spent last Easter at Sunday Funday.
Student in fur coat, using heavy-duty stapler, whispering to self: I feel like a grown-ass woman.
Female athlete, on leaving her belongings unattended: Yeah, I’m just a trust-y... uh... trusti— um... I trust people a lot.
Queen of Theta: I want to delete my Theta profile pics. I don't want people to know that about me.
Manspreading, overconfident Ivy bickeree: It's not really manspreading unless your pants rip.
Sophomore Ivy hopeful wearing a Canada Goose: I'm sorry I'm a man of the people and I don't know how to spell Moncler.
Plaid-wearing senior: I don't like the furnishings in this room. The feng shui is fucked up.
Stressed-out sophomore: I'll be honest, I think I probably have a solid cry about once a month. Usually in the shower. Put on some sad music and just go for it. That way I'm not wasting time. I mean, we all have to shower.
Senior, on job recruiting: I think I'll go to a theological seminary. I just feel closer to God through this process.
Orange Key guide: Princeton Preview is a great chance to sleep with a student.
First-year: I am a tall, white man of privilege—they won’t hit me. I am the most expensive thing in the parking lot.
Junior Pi Phi: I am so fed up with everyone on this campus who calls themselves a communist and isn't.
Male Managing Editor: I've never checked a book out of Firestone.
Me: Oh, really?
Managing Editor: Yeah, I actually don't know how and at this point I'm too afraid to ask.
Jewish Nass editor: *leans in and rests head on other Jewish Nass editor's shoulder*
You smell like a synagogue.
BodyHype senior: Pregnancy is more than just a stomach.
Later: I want to balance a bowl of cereal on my stomach.
Later: Surrogacy probably pays a lot of money. Maybe that's how I'll pay for grad school.
White sorority woman: Can we go to Olives? I’m craving chicken salad. I’m really into mayonnaise this year.