Gay humanist junior: Wow, the professor literally just mansplained us the syllabus for 80 minutes.
Group of girls, leaving the street: She was wearing stilettos. I mean, you do you… but she was doing you all wrong.
Jewish girl: You'll be happy to know my bat mitzvah was at a bowling alley – an upscale bowling alley.
Ivy soph: I just don’t get social climbing vibes from him... maybe the fact that he’s using me to climb is clouding my judgment.
Lapsed Episcopalian Upper East Sider, eating her acai bowl: I spent last Easter at Sunday Funday.
Student in fur coat, using heavy-duty stapler, whispering to self: I feel like a grown-ass woman.
Female athlete, on leaving her belongings unattended: Yeah, I’m just a trust-y... uh... trusti— um... I trust people a lot.
Queen of Theta: I want to delete my Theta profile pics. I don't want people to know that about me.
Manspreading, overconfident Ivy bickeree: It's not really manspreading unless your pants rip.
Sophomore Ivy hopeful wearing a Canada Goose: I'm sorry I'm a man of the people and I don't know how to spell Moncler.
Plaid-wearing senior: I don't like the furnishings in this room. The feng shui is fucked up.
Stressed-out sophomore: I'll be honest, I think I probably have a solid cry about once a month. Usually in the shower. Put on some sad music and just go for it. That way I'm not wasting time. I mean, we all have to shower.
Senior, on job recruiting: I think I'll go to a theological seminary. I just feel closer to God through this process.
Orange Key guide: Princeton Preview is a great chance to sleep with a student.
First-year: I am a tall, white man of privilege—they won’t hit me. I am the most expensive thing in the parking lot.
Junior Pi Phi: I am so fed up with everyone on this campus who calls themselves a communist and isn't.