Overheard in Little

Jew, with glasses: I feel lots of emotions. They're very healthy.
PDP ginger: Do you feel them all at the same time? That's schizophrenia.

Overhead in a dorm

Girl on phone, in tears: No, Mom, the problem is that he DOESN'T want sex!!!

Overheard in a Brooklyn loft

UPenn bro, wistfully: Philly coke, like, sucks.

Overheard in seminar

Khaki-clad boy: Did you know over half of the college Republicans at this school are Facebook

Overheard in Whitman

Freshman: I ate chicken in front of Peter Singer!
Friend: That’s awesome.
Freshman: Right?!

Overheard on the way to Ivy speakeasy

Terrace shaman: My moustache has a certain je ne sais quoi.

Overheard outside J Street

Sophomore girl to another sophomore girl, exasperated: Do you remember what it's like to make friends without having to, like, suffer?

Overheard in seminar

Senior Theta, intensely: If I walk through a cloud of Juul, I DO break out in hives.

Overheard in the bathroom

Girl, looking in mirror, whispering: Sad… No! Repress repress repress!

13 

Overheard on a bench

First-time smoker, on nicotine: I think this is what cocaine feels like.

Overheard in Tower

USG junior, on the Campbell Crapper: We have equipment in Icahn–let's DNA sequence this shit.

11 

Overheard outside McCarter

Man: I can't use Zagster anymore without getting sad.

Overheard on iMessage

Autocorrect victim: I’m about to cry just reading Alexandria Occasion Cortex's Wikipedia

Overheard in Jerusalem

Junior theta: I learned everything I know about Jesus from Jesus Christ Superstar, which means I know a lot.

Overheard over text at 2 a.m.

Terrace Architecture major, junior: I think I had communist dreams last night, or dreams about communism??

Overheard at the Iowa Writers’ Workshop

Poet: If I had $100 and could give it to poetry or give it to science…I would give it to science.

Overheard in Terrace

Junior, dreaming big: I'm donating 20K specifically so the stalls in the girls’ bathroom can be made bigger.

Overheard in Jadwin

Sad math whiz, broodingly: You only feel the derivative of your happiness.

Overheard in Frist “study” sesh

Sophomore who doesn't give a damn: I don't know anything about his personality but I know so much about his dick.

Overheard in Tower

Former Capitol Hill intern: I really don't want your vote to count.

Overheard in New Hampshire

Concerned parent, mid thought, to son: Did you see what Trump did this mornin—ARE YOU DRINKING COFFEE FROM THE CHINA?!?

Overheard outside RoMa

Girl: Hey did you see the introduction to bondage workshop? We've been missing out!
Boy: My people were doing that thousands of years ago in EGYPT!!

Overheard in Cottage basement

Sophomore, to junior: You're Victoria, and I'm the secret.

Overhead at Murray Dodge

USG member: I have to leave USG because I'm studying abroad.
Another USG member: You lucky bitch!

Overheard at TI

SWUG with an inflated ego: I don't care. I'm a SWUG. Fight me.