I used to do the crossword. Now I don't have time because I'm always sucking dick.
Bewildered sophomore: What is the difference between The Daily Princetonian and The Nassau Weekly?
Smug Sophomore: I'm writing an essay for Creative Nonfiction about a mathematician's relationship to chalkboards.
Tenured Comp Lit Professor: I hate to dramatize, but it's the end of the world.
Birthday girl: "If I don’t get an iPad Pro for my birthday I’m literally going to kill myself."
Girl, to gagging friend: “I swear, if you vomit on this table, we are no longer friends.”
Newly Initiated TI Sophomore, on the phone: “I can't wait to bring you. Dad, do you want to go out? Like to a party?”
Ecstatic girl, yelling: “YES!!! I'm going to FRANCE this summer!!! And I'm STILL A VIRGIN!!!”
Terrace girl, to three dudes talking about music: "You're all jacking yourselves off right now."
Obvious cry for help: "In my first semester I would go to my car because it was my only private space and just scream."
Horny white Bernie Bro: “If you told me I wasn't going to hook up with anyone for the next ten years, but Bernie was going to get elected, I'd for sure do it.”
Guy: “It’s good to see you.”
Other Guy: “Thanks. I wish I could say the same.”