Possessive Junior: Yo, stop reading my cookbook!
Defensive Frosh: I'm trying to learn how to read!
COS Major to Frosh: You aged 20 years this past semester because you're CBE, you dumb bitch.
Frosh: Wow, you're even cooler in person.
Idol: Was I not a person in the dark?
Drunk guy needing to button sleeves: Can you button this for me… damn that's so hot
Rowing freshman: I REFUSE to be at Dick's Sporting Goods for more than an hour.
Healthy Frosh: The hot line is so long. I think half the reason I eat salads is just because I'm so lazy.
Frustrated Sophomore, about Coronavirus: I'm sick of all this isolationist rhetoric–I just want to spend my summer abroad!
Recently single soph: I knew there was something off about him…it was the group sex
TI member: This year I accidentally threw beer on a crowd of parents.They need to be ushered into the new future.
Upset sophomore: The fact that they took Supervillain Island off of Poptropica is literally a hate crime
APES Boy to a table of APES Boys: Dude! You gotta sous-vide the eggs to make an eggs Benedict!
Astute observer: Being white is like vodka— you don’t drink it on its own, but it mixes well with everything else!
Graduating senior: I love Ambien so much… Can't wait to finally have my own prescription one day.
I used to do the crossword. Now I don't have time because I'm always sucking dick.
Bewildered sophomore: What is the difference between The Daily Princetonian and The Nassau Weekly?
Smug Sophomore: I'm writing an essay for Creative Nonfiction about a mathematician's relationship to chalkboards.