Girl, scrolling through boy's spotify: God, he's [ex-boyfriend] but self-aware, and spiritual. I hate it here.
Dad: Driving is as American as apple pie.
License-less daughter: I HATE APPLE PIE.
Prince Writer: He's writing a novel? What's it about?
Nass Writer: I didn't care enough to ask.
Exhausted sophomore trying to make a point: Yes, Professor, I realize that murder is sort of a character flaw.
Bro: She's got the look of one of like six white girls in one of those flocks–you know, the scary flocks.
My mom (with total sincerity): Legal weed in New Jersey isn't a big deal for Princeton anyway, none of you would EVER do that.
Me: *deep in personal conversation about the meaning of friendship*
Invested Friend: I know you're talking about something, but I kind of want to post an Instagram right now.
Optimistic Dem to neighborhood full of Trump Flags: Halloween is over y'all. You can stop scaring the children now.
Dad: What children?
Optimistic Dem: Me, I'm the children.
Disenfranchised international student: I'm all for capitalism, but I can't abide by Las Vegas.
Grad Student: Most priests back then couldn't have gotten into the Ph.d program in classics at Princeton.
Professor: Lucky for them
Tenured English Professor: Last time I dressed up for Halloween, I dressed up as the devil and shoved this dude over the railing.
German Professor: To talk about sado-masochism in this book is like talking about aquatic mammals in Moby Dick.
Fool #1: This flavor kind of sucks.
Fool #2: I don't vape for the flavor, just the clout.
Sister 1, scrolling through insta: My phone is literally the devil.
Sister 2, panic reading Vitoria: Which is why mine is in time out.
Girl writing last minute essay: Did you know Thomas Edison electrocuted an elephant just to get the point across that alternating current is dangerous? I hate smart people. They're so dumb.
Sophomore on lawn parties: I mean, what kind of artist has to remind the audience that they're in the song at the start of each one?
Sister: D.J. Khalid. Because that's the only memorable part of his songs.
Student: The guy who funded Pinochet's coup was also a dedicated yachtsman.
Leftist Professor: Man of many talents!
Bubbe, I don't think there is going to be a lot of Election Day violence in Long Island.
Self-hating English major, to another self-hating English major: You've come up with such creative ways to hate your body.