Enlightened frosh on discovering Studio 34: I walked around the corner and found this utopia with a mini mart.
Impassioned junior: It’s literally so rude that JFK told the CIA to kill Marilyn Monroe.
Exasperated Sophomore: I just get put in classes that are like, “You're gonna learn better if you work with other people.” No! False! I'm gonna get angry if I work with other people!
Philosophy professor: It's kind of common knowledge that Scientology is absolute garbage.
Potential managing editor of The Prog: Going into "public service" is either McKinsey, the CIA, or politics — I mean, it's never picking up trash.
Prospective religion major frosh: If Jesus is from the Middle East, why does he have a Hispanic name?
Junior RCA man, on the phone with waitress at Hunan: Good night, beautiful.
Innovative frosh: Do you think if I take a nap on top of my politics readings, I'll absorb the information through osmosis?
Worried student to strangers: Have you seen a taller, older white man in pajama pants?
Wise sophomore: You can’t treat men like human beings or they’ll think you want to sleep with them.
Sophomore, evaluating validity of freshman's opinion: I’m not racist or homophobic, but I am ageist.
TI Junior 1: It’s like we’re on the Met steps.
TI Junior 2: Where’s my fat-free yogurt?
Confused freshman: So you know how I had my one on one for Writing Sem today. I walk in, and she says 'So your draft is one page. And it's blank.'
Overly conscious freshman: That's not a guy name. Wait, names don't have gender. I messed up!