Professor: A while ago, I went with a Soviet research team to northeast Siberia. It was a little chaotic. Probably because the Soviet Union was collapsing at the time.
Friend 1, texting: Do you want me to bring the bong.
Friend 2: No, it’s all good.
Friend 1, arriving: Sorry, I didn’t see your text. I brought it anyway. I also brought my popcorn maker.
Jeff Nunokawa: Your grandparents will remember this, if they're not dead
Jeff Nunokawa, later: Tell your grandparents this. They'll die
Woke Humanist: I was in the diversity seminar for English majors who didn't want to read Black authors – Irish Studies.
Distracted student ignoring lecture, texting: *sends link to article on the risks of magic mushrooms* Well I guess we're sticking to edibles then
Disillusioned campus conservative: I’m so done with this school. I should have just gone to PragerU.
Curious first year: What do you do in Sustainable Investments Club? Does anyone there actually care about sustainability?
Sold-out first year: I think sustainability's nice.
Baseball player: You could die like now. Sometimes I think about that during the day.
Other baseball player: *silent, pensive nod*
Junior on vacation: Just played blackjack with a BILLIONAIRE.
Junior on vacation, forty minutes later: Peep the mani/pedi.
European grad student: We might need an alternative, yes, but if they're not selling crates and barrels at Crate and Barrel I will be VERY disappointed.
Frosh, scrolling through phone: "I should major in Instagram reels."
Desperate international students: “Who do you love the most?”
UK/US Passport Holder: “I'll marry ALL of you!”
Guy: “What are you guys going to be for Halloween?”
Girl 1: “I need a prompt, what’s relevant right now?”
Girl 2: “We could be geoexchange whores. Or the ghost of Poe Field?”
Incredulous girl: can you imagine THIS being your cousin, and being SURPRISED she’s a bisexual?
Detractor: What’s the moral imperative for pickling a child?