Senior Cap dude: I love those moments when you get distracted by your anger at the center left.
Male, on professor: I hate him. He makes so many sexist comments. But I guess they don't directly affect me so it's fine.
Chill and diverse girl: I need to change my profile picture, Obama's been in it for too long.
Pi Phi: Here are some things I care about but have done nothing about: gun control.
Chill and diverse girl: I need to change my profile picture, Obama's been in it for too long.
Girl, to Nass editor: Watch this part, it reminds me of you.
Comedic genius Ali Wong: I've accidentally slept with two homeless people.
Alum 1: Did he go to Harvard?
Alum 2, joking but not joking: No, he went to Columbia! He's a man of the people!
Aesthete: Is that Jesus or Joseph?
Art History senior: Joseph - Jesus wasn't a shepherd.
Aesthete: What about, "the Lord is my shepherd?"
Art history senior: That's a metaphorical shepherd.
Socially conscious bro: No...come on. If I do consulting it'll be non-profit consulting.
Junior, pondering the future: But then you have to think… is one nanny enough for three kids?
Gay senior: Guess what fur my coat is?
Gay sophomore: Sea otter or river otter?
Gay senior: It’s fucking mink.
Front-row senior: That man is very beautiful but why is he dancing in chinos?
Ivy senior: How would you characterize the spectacle that is TI?
Ivy junior: A concrete hellhole in which beer-soaked children grind on one another
Press Club senior, deciding what music to play: Is it time for some pre-Shabbat hadag nachash?
Former Nass EIC: No, I don’t want to be publicly Jewish right now.
Journalist 1: It’s spelled GRAY.
Journalist 2: I will only ever use GREY bc I know it primarily as a horse color & Pony Club spells it that way.
Philosophy bro, probably: If I were to walk around with an armband with a yellow Star of David, people would think I’m insane!
Philosophy bro, recounting conversation with mom: “No Mom, I have a Muslim roommate, you don’t get it!”
Same bro: If a boy from the South decides to wear a Confederate flag around as a symbol of Southern pride... What’s wrong with that?!
Jew 1: You’d break Passover for fine beer night?!
Jew 2: I already broke it to avoid gay sex!!
Econ major: My first hookup wasn’t a virgin and I was terrified.
Same econ bro, later: She was from Paraguay.
Annoyed Jewish man: Wow, you’re such an ally to the global south.
Self-aware Ivy sophomore, holding This Side of Paradise: I wonder if I can find “breathless and aristocratic” in here... I wouldn’t be mad if you verbatim-ed that.
Aggrieved musician: His excuse that this is for charity is such neoliberal bullshit.