Senior woman: Scandinavia’s great, but it’s so homogenous that if you show up and you’re short, fat and you have brown hair, they’re going to be like…no.
Newcomer: Are you talking about Pi Phi?
Stressed-out sophomore: I'll be honest, I think I probably have a solid cry about once a month. Usually in the shower. Put on some sad music and just go for it. That way I'm not wasting time. I mean, we all have to shower.
Journalism intern: You're a different person now.
Investment banking intern: I'm the same person. Just with more Excel shortcuts.
Senior girl, reflecting on Kant: The next time I'm making out with someone on the street, I'm going to ask them, excuse me, do you see me as a means or an end?
Woman 1: It's crazy how easy it is to have a civil, friendly meal with people you profoundly dislike.
Woman 2, cheerfully: That's the magic of TI!
Jewish Marxist A's Ivy junior: I love the Nass verbatims, they're so relatable.
Fulbright Fellow: Last time I drank too much I went skinny dipping with a group of seventy-year-old men and vomited freshly slain sheep heart in my mouth.
Sophomore Ivy hopeful wearing a Canada Goose: I'm sorry I'm a man of the people and I don't know how to spell Moncler.
Fuckboy, to feminist: I feel like at this point your definition of “fuckboy” is so broad that it applies to any male person.
Orange Key guide: Princeton Preview is a great chance to sleep with a student.
Sophomore Theta 1: My biggest fear is failure.
Sophomore Theta 2: Mine is chlamydia.
Random Frosh: I feel like he's one of those people who thinks he's really talented because he's really rich.
White junior on the whiteness of Shere Khan: Honestly this is worse than the Tory.
Religious boi to complete stranger: I had a dream about hell last night and you were there.
Complete stranger: What the fuck, man
Sophomore Pi Phi: After working on a problem set with two bros, I had to join Princeton Students for Gender Equality.
*8-year-old throws snowball at group of passing students*
8-year-old: Harvard's better.
Unidentified freshman male: Yeah I could join the Nass so easy. I'd just be like, "La Croix," and they'd be like "Fuck yeah!".
Marxist, looking at a display of toothpastes: This is why I hate capitalism; I'd rather the government just tell me what kind of toothpaste is best.
White boy, completely seriously: Oh, man. This is my absolute shit. What a fucking banger.
Apes bro, scrolling through newsfeed: What are 5 foods that kill testosterone? If guacamole’s on this I'm so fucked.