Orange Key guide: Princeton Preview is a great chance to sleep with a student.
White girl: My friend lost her virginity to Mr. Brightside on repeat.
Freshman: Every time I laugh it’s fake. I try very hard to have an audible and melodious laugh.
Dejected frat star: I just feel like everything about me screams “sidekick.”
Drunk girl in sequins: Only cool people allowed. Only people who like Lean Cuisine.
David Remnick, wearing Nass sweatshirt, recounting story of interviewing a young man: "And then he asked me if I'd heard of the Nassau Weekly. I said, heard of it? I invented it!"
Junior Pi Phi: I am so fed up with everyone on this campus who calls themselves a communist and isn't.
Lohan! Please accept this offering! Lohan! Guide my hand so that I may divide thy bounty equally!
Freshman guy: The thing is...I could totally see myself being one of the guards who went too far in the Stanford Prison Experiment.
Girl: And he was like, 'Blah blah blah Cottage.' And then he was like, 'Blah blah blah baseball.' And then he took his pants off.
Nass EIC: We want to move away from stereotyping particular student groups in Verbatim.
Theta junior: Sure but like, when people say that Thetas are shallow, I'm like... probably.
Professor Paul Muldoon: The Holocaust is very much like the cronut in that respect.
Woody Woo boy: The problem with Lawnparties every year is that one rower that has a visible scrotum.
Junior woman, to large man: Come sit with us! We need a male gaze. We miss it when it’s not there.
Frosh girl: What should I wear tonight that’s, like, fun and slutty?
Frosh boy: Wait, is the theme slutty?
Frosh girl: No...that’s just my personal theme.
If you’ve never seen a set of balls before, you can stay after class and see mine.
I’m thinking of giving out blowjobs for Lent.
Don’t you mean you’re thinking about giving them up?
Young Woman: Take off that turtleneck, hot stuff.
Young Man: Anything you say, baby.
Young Woman: Why're you wearing a second turtleneck underneath your turtleneck?
Young Man: Have you lost interest yet?