Junior woman: You went to an A$AP Mob concert?
Sophomore A's aspirant: I went to their album release party and groped A$AP Rocky while he was performing.
Ivy senior/Zete ringleader: Yeah, so let's do those same Zete hoodies from last year but with Trump on the front.
Professor: What do you think about the recent news on Puerto Rico?
Cottage junior: I feel like before this I didn't even know where it was on the map. I just had, like, no consciousness of it.
Professor: …Where did you think it was?
Cottage junior: Idk in like the Pacific or something.
Frosh who just bought a Juul: Wait, I hope I don't get ice cream on my Juul.
Pi phi betch: I don’t really think about the Thetas until I see them in a group like that, and then I’m like oh my god I really hate them.
Sophomore Theta with a fiber stomachache: I just love legumes, but I literally couldn’t even go to Olives anymore if I stopped eating them. I only eat legumes there.
White Pi Phi woman, screaming: So, first of all, I got KICKED OUT OF THE BLACK AFFINITY SPACE.
Future Anna Wintour Assistant, raging at woven slippers: Every Chinese lady in America has those!
Gay freshman: it doesn't matter... nothing counts when you're blacked.
For example, if u don't remember eating a bunch of fries then u can't hate yourself because u don't remember. It's like whatever—I did it. It happened. I think of it like an alibi for the criminally insane... u can't be held accountable for something u can't control, right?
Also did you find your glasses?
Ivy senior: How would you characterize the spectacle that is TI?
Ivy junior: A concrete hellhole in which beer-soaked children grind on one another
Tote-carrying soph in fake Birks, yelling: Oh my god you KNOW I love that moon shit! I want my periods to sync up with the moon!!
Nass member: As a man with a sixteen-inch penis, I cannot be confined to boxer briefs.
Woman 1: It's crazy how easy it is to have a civil, friendly meal with people you profoundly dislike.
Woman 2, cheerfully: That's the magic of TI!
Dangerously high male, to art major/significant other: You are so aesthetic but you have no utility.
Neurotic copy editor, on the death of print journalism: Do you hear me in the distance, screaming? Cause I’M DOING IT!!
Socially curious first-year: I don't understand Pi Phi. Is it just a coven of hot girls?
St. A's Interviewee: People don't think English is hard until I tell them I'm going to law school after.