Professor: What do you think about the recent news on Puerto Rico?
Cottage junior: I feel like before this I didn't even know where it was on the map. I just had, like, no consciousness of it.
Professor: …Where did you think it was?
Cottage junior: Idk in like the Pacific or something.
Junior woman: You went to an A$AP Mob concert?
Sophomore A's aspirant: I went to their album release party and groped A$AP Rocky while he was performing.
Sophomore Theta with a fiber stomachache: I just love legumes, but I literally couldn’t even go to Olives anymore if I stopped eating them. I only eat legumes there.
Nass member: As a man with a sixteen-inch penis, I cannot be confined to boxer briefs.
Dangerously high male, to art major/significant other: You are so aesthetic but you have no utility.
Ivy senior/Zete ringleader: Yeah, so let's do those same Zete hoodies from last year but with Trump on the front.
Ivy senior: How would you characterize the spectacle that is TI?
Ivy junior: A concrete hellhole in which beer-soaked children grind on one another
St. A's Interviewee: People don't think English is hard until I tell them I'm going to law school after.
Boy, to friends: I think I’m going to need to break it off with this girl. I don’t think I can handle a long-distance relationship.
Friend: Dude, she lives in Forbes.
It has been brought to our attention that one of you, no need to mention who, has already lost his pledge pin. pledges, this is unacceptable. for this you will be raped as an example to the other pledges. as is customary, a few of us will convene to elect a team of 9 brothers that will systematically but ruthlessly run train on your brown ass. subsequently, you will be beaten with an extension chord [sic] at our discretion. i think it goes without saying that the ceremonies will conclude with the wearing of the persian eye
goggles, i.e. the resting of our scrotums over your eyes. if you have any questions, don't hesitate to go and fuck yourself.
Frosh who just bought a Juul: Wait, I hope I don't get ice cream on my Juul.
Ivy junior to junior history major: We’re such douchebags. You just said "bourgeois means of production" in a Claire's.
Blivy member: After reading for African-American history, I've realized having someone else do my laundry is my intersectional feminism.
Private Equity bro/Yale alum, upon arriving in Princeton: The Brooks Brothers. Spectacular. Should be on Madison.
Self-aware Ivy sophomore, holding This Side of Paradise: I wonder if I can find “breathless and aristocratic” in here... I wouldn’t be mad if you verbatim-ed that.
White COS major demonstrating with Google Earth: I’m trying to find a city. *zooms in on Africa* Oh no, let’s go to a more civilized location… *scrolls away*
Young man, to girlfriend: I still can’t believe the meme king slid into your DMs. If you left me for him, honestly I’d understand. I could tell everyone I got cucked by a top-tier meme poster.