Overheard in Club Monaco

Sophomore Theta with a fiber stomachache: I just love legumes, but I literally couldn’t even go to Olives anymore if I stopped eating them. I only eat legumes there.

Overheard on the patio of Ivy

Ivy senior: How would you characterize the spectacle that is TI?
Ivy junior: A concrete hellhole in which beer-soaked children grind on one another

Overheard at Study Break

Boy, to friends: I think I’m going to need to break it off with this girl. I don’t think I can handle a long-distance relationship.
Friend: Dude, she lives in Forbes.

Overheard via iMessage

DC wasp: I’m the hottest youngest person at the Chevy Chase Whole Foods.

Overheard at TI

Aesthete, sipping on IPA: This tastes like my acne medication.

Overheard in Minneapolis

MFA student: I tried being unpretentious, but it didn’t work out.

Overheard on a certain fraternity email list

It has been brought to our attention that one of you, no need to mention who, has already lost his pledge pin. pledges, this is unacceptable. for this you will be raped as an example to the other pledges. as is customary, a few of us will convene to elect a team of 9 brothers that will systematically but ruthlessly run train on your brown ass. subsequently, you will be beaten with an extension chord [sic] at our discretion. i think it goes without saying that the ceremonies will conclude with the wearing of the persian eye
goggles, i.e. the resting of our scrotums over your eyes. if you have any questions, don't hesitate to go and fuck yourself.

Overheard in Rocky common room

Freshman: Every time I laugh it’s fake. I try very hard to have an audible and melodious laugh.

Overheard at post-Formals brunch

Guy: My fucking Alka-Seltzer won't dissolve.
Girl: [Stirs Alka-Seltzer]
Guy: I love you so much! I have to go vomit now - I just over-stimulated myself.

Overheard in rare book shop

Self-aware Ivy sophomore, holding This Side of Paradise: I wonder if I can find “breathless and aristocratic” in here... I wouldn’t be mad if you verbatim-ed that.

Overheard at the Met Opera

Desperate Austrian military general, using his best pick-up line: I can be virile in any alcove.

Overheard via iMessage

Young man, to girlfriend: I still can’t believe the meme king slid into your DMs. If you left me for him, honestly I’d understand. I could tell everyone I got cucked by a top-tier meme poster.

Overheard in a fraternity email

Authors’ sign off: Eating Asian pussy, all we need is sweet and sour sauce.

Overheard on the Tower e-mail list in response to last week’s Verbatim

Yes. I said that. Hahahaha, let's all laugh, I'm a preppy liberal, that makes it all even FUNNIER, because liberals aren't supposed to be preppy. Whoever sent this in has no sense of humor whatsoever, because it is not funny. Things that are actually funny are supposed to be sent in to Verbatim, not things taken out of context that might be marginally humorous to three people. To the Tower member who sent this in: get a sense of humor. Please. Now. You need one, desperately.

(Original Verbatim:
Preppy liberal: All three people I know at Harvard totally suck. Except for this one guy I know from Ivy Council.)

Overheard on Twitter

Pi Phi freshman: Please don’t invite me to Charter events on Facebook. Or over text. Or in person. Or just at all.

Overheard on Twitter

Whitman College Council: Hey Whitman! Tomorrow’s kinda special - every Whale can bring one NON-Whitmanite friend! See you and your +1 tomorrow night!

Overheard near 1903

Woman, emphatically: OK, no, we talked about this, your parents are more Wall Street than my parents.

Overheard

Theta sophomore: I lost a diamond earring in a boy’s room last night.
Pi Phi sophomore: Well, sex loosens all your holes.

Overheard in front of Cannon

A chorus of pranksters jumping out from behind the wall to a passing boy who just picked up a dollar: POOP DOLLARRR
Bewildered Boy, looking down to discover his now poop covered hand: Shit!

Overheard in Terrace TV Room:

Girl watching porn: Wow...it's just like yoga.

Overheard outside Quad

Ben Carson disguised as a Princeton student: Ben Carson would be a terrible president, but he’s a great American.

Overheard in an Uber

Goldman Sachs analyst: We already fired our affirmative action hire.

Overheard in my head because it’s a joke I just thought of

Q: Why wasn’t the noun in the Nass?
A: Cus the verbatim!!

Overhead in Frist

Blonde girl to black guy: Excuse me, you're my favorite color.

Overheard in Frist

Sophomore Pi Phi: I only have one Google alert, and it’s for Mindy Kaling.