Overheard on Princetoween

Pi phi betch: I don’t really think about the Thetas until I see them in a group like that, and then I’m like oh my god I really hate them.

13 

Overheard on iMessage

Gay freshman: it doesn't matter... nothing counts when you're blacked.
For example, if u don't remember eating a bunch of fries then u can't hate yourself because u don't remember. It's like whatever—I did it. It happened. I think of it like an alibi for the criminally insane... u can't be held accountable for something u can't control, right?
Also did you find your glasses?

13 

Overheard in 1902

Junior woman: You went to an A$AP Mob concert?
Sophomore A's aspirant: I went to their album release party and groped A$AP Rocky while he was performing.

12 

Overheard at Ivy

Ivy senior/Zete ringleader: Yeah, so let's do those same Zete hoodies from last year but with Trump on the front.

11 

Overheard outside a vape shop

Frosh who just bought a Juul: Wait, I hope I don't get ice cream on my Juul.

10 

Overheard in LAS 371

Professor: What do you think about the recent news on Puerto Rico?
Cottage junior: I feel like before this I didn't even know where it was on the map. I just had, like, no consciousness of it.
Professor: …Where did you think it was?
Cottage junior: Idk in like the Pacific or something.

10 

Overheard in Wright

Ivy girl/Reproductive Justice fighter: PHEROMONES!!!

10 

Overheard in a dorm room

White Pi Phi woman, screaming: So, first of all, I got KICKED OUT OF THE BLACK AFFINITY SPACE.

Overheard during Seminar

Former Terrace officer: Did you hear they're trying to stop Juul from marketing to teens? They can't do that! It is sexy BY DESIGN. It's just sleek and beautiful…could belong in a museum. Like truly Juuls just speak to our MOMENT.

Overheard at Terrace

Terran: "It makes sense that white people like avocado. It has no flavor."

Overheard at Terrace

Feminist: I think each one of her boobs are eighteen of my boobs.

Overheard in Terrace

Ivy junior: How much do you think Graham Phillips thinks about me?

Overheard in Club Monaco

Sophomore Theta with a fiber stomachache: I just love legumes, but I literally couldn’t even go to Olives anymore if I stopped eating them. I only eat legumes there.

Overheard at Cottage Bicker

Yeah, I carry a knife around to fight the blacks.

Overheard in Tacoria

Freshman boy, on female beauty standards: Thigh gaps are cool.

Overheard in Wright 11

Future Anna Wintour Assistant, raging at woven slippers: Every Chinese lady in America has those!

Overheard at Terrace

Shaman woman: So I got a three-pack of Disney knickers. One of them was Mulan.

Overheard at Study Break

Boy, to friends: I think I’m going to need to break it off with this girl. I don’t think I can handle a long-distance relationship.
Friend: Dude, she lives in Forbes.

Overheard on a certain fraternity email list

It has been brought to our attention that one of you, no need to mention who, has already lost his pledge pin. pledges, this is unacceptable. for this you will be raped as an example to the other pledges. as is customary, a few of us will convene to elect a team of 9 brothers that will systematically but ruthlessly run train on your brown ass. subsequently, you will be beaten with an extension chord [sic] at our discretion. i think it goes without saying that the ceremonies will conclude with the wearing of the persian eye
goggles, i.e. the resting of our scrotums over your eyes. if you have any questions, don't hesitate to go and fuck yourself.

Overheard on the patio of Ivy

Ivy senior: How would you characterize the spectacle that is TI?
Ivy junior: A concrete hellhole in which beer-soaked children grind on one another

Overheard in SF

Former Ivy member: What do you mean I'm not a champagne socialist? I work for a non-profit!

Overheard in Frist

Upper West Sider: Denying the Holocaust is better than being a moral relativist.

Overheard in Rocky

Tote-carrying soph in fake Birks, yelling: Oh my god you KNOW I love that moon shit! I want my periods to sync up with the moon!!

Overheard in Fine

Kurdish bro: You gotta buy real estate in Syria… that shit's gonna blow up.

Overheard at Ivy

Nass member: As a man with a sixteen-inch penis, I cannot be confined to boxer briefs.