Sophomore Theta with a fiber stomachache: I just love legumes, but I literally couldn’t even go to Olives anymore if I stopped eating them. I only eat legumes there.
Ivy senior: How would you characterize the spectacle that is TI?
Ivy junior: A concrete hellhole in which beer-soaked children grind on one another
Boy, to friends: I think I’m going to need to break it off with this girl. I don’t think I can handle a long-distance relationship.
Friend: Dude, she lives in Forbes.
It has been brought to our attention that one of you, no need to mention who, has already lost his pledge pin. pledges, this is unacceptable. for this you will be raped as an example to the other pledges. as is customary, a few of us will convene to elect a team of 9 brothers that will systematically but ruthlessly run train on your brown ass. subsequently, you will be beaten with an extension chord [sic] at our discretion. i think it goes without saying that the ceremonies will conclude with the wearing of the persian eye
goggles, i.e. the resting of our scrotums over your eyes. if you have any questions, don't hesitate to go and fuck yourself.
Freshman: Every time I laugh it’s fake. I try very hard to have an audible and melodious laugh.
Guy: My fucking Alka-Seltzer won't dissolve.
Girl: [Stirs Alka-Seltzer]
Guy: I love you so much! I have to go vomit now - I just over-stimulated myself.
Self-aware Ivy sophomore, holding This Side of Paradise: I wonder if I can find “breathless and aristocratic” in here... I wouldn’t be mad if you verbatim-ed that.
Desperate Austrian military general, using his best pick-up line: I can be virile in any alcove.
Young man, to girlfriend: I still can’t believe the meme king slid into your DMs. If you left me for him, honestly I’d understand. I could tell everyone I got cucked by a top-tier meme poster.
Authors’ sign off: Eating Asian pussy, all we need is sweet and sour sauce.
Yes. I said that. Hahahaha, let's all laugh, I'm a preppy liberal, that makes it all even FUNNIER, because liberals aren't supposed to be preppy. Whoever sent this in has no sense of humor whatsoever, because it is not funny. Things that are actually funny are supposed to be sent in to Verbatim, not things taken out of context that might be marginally humorous to three people. To the Tower member who sent this in: get a sense of humor. Please. Now. You need one, desperately.
Preppy liberal: All three people I know at Harvard totally suck. Except for this one guy I know from Ivy Council.)
Pi Phi freshman: Please don’t invite me to Charter events on Facebook. Or over text. Or in person. Or just at all.
Whitman College Council: Hey Whitman! Tomorrow’s kinda special - every Whale can bring one NON-Whitmanite friend! See you and your +1 tomorrow night!
Woman, emphatically: OK, no, we talked about this, your parents are more Wall Street than my parents.
Theta sophomore: I lost a diamond earring in a boy’s room last night.
Pi Phi sophomore: Well, sex loosens all your holes.
A chorus of pranksters jumping out from behind the wall to a passing boy who just picked up a dollar: POOP DOLLARRR
Bewildered Boy, looking down to discover his now poop covered hand: Shit!
Ben Carson disguised as a Princeton student: Ben Carson would be a terrible president, but he’s a great American.
Q: Why wasn’t the noun in the Nass?
A: Cus the verbatim!!