Gay freshman: it doesn't matter... nothing counts when you're blacked.
For example, if u don't remember eating a bunch of fries then u can't hate yourself because u don't remember. It's like whatever—I did it. It happened. I think of it like an alibi for the criminally insane... u can't be held accountable for something u can't control, right?
Also did you find your glasses?
Pi phi betch: I don’t really think about the Thetas until I see them in a group like that, and then I’m like oh my god I really hate them.
Ivy senior/Zete ringleader: Yeah, so let's do those same Zete hoodies from last year but with Trump on the front.
Frosh who just bought a Juul: Wait, I hope I don't get ice cream on my Juul.
Professor: What do you think about the recent news on Puerto Rico?
Cottage junior: I feel like before this I didn't even know where it was on the map. I just had, like, no consciousness of it.
Professor: …Where did you think it was?
Cottage junior: Idk in like the Pacific or something.
White Pi Phi woman, screaming: So, first of all, I got KICKED OUT OF THE BLACK AFFINITY SPACE.
Former Terrace officer: Did you hear they're trying to stop Juul from marketing to teens? They can't do that! It is sexy BY DESIGN. It's just sleek and beautiful…could belong in a museum. Like truly Juuls just speak to our MOMENT.
Sophomore Theta with a fiber stomachache: I just love legumes, but I literally couldn’t even go to Olives anymore if I stopped eating them. I only eat legumes there.
Boy, to friends: I think I’m going to need to break it off with this girl. I don’t think I can handle a long-distance relationship.
Friend: Dude, she lives in Forbes.
It has been brought to our attention that one of you, no need to mention who, has already lost his pledge pin. pledges, this is unacceptable. for this you will be raped as an example to the other pledges. as is customary, a few of us will convene to elect a team of 9 brothers that will systematically but ruthlessly run train on your brown ass. subsequently, you will be beaten with an extension chord [sic] at our discretion. i think it goes without saying that the ceremonies will conclude with the wearing of the persian eye
goggles, i.e. the resting of our scrotums over your eyes. if you have any questions, don't hesitate to go and fuck yourself.
Future Anna Wintour Assistant, raging at woven slippers: Every Chinese lady in America has those!
Tote-carrying soph in fake Birks, yelling: Oh my god you KNOW I love that moon shit! I want my periods to sync up with the moon!!
Nass member: As a man with a sixteen-inch penis, I cannot be confined to boxer briefs.
Woman 1: It's crazy how easy it is to have a civil, friendly meal with people you profoundly dislike.
Woman 2, cheerfully: That's the magic of TI!
Neurotic copy editor, on the death of print journalism: Do you hear me in the distance, screaming? Cause I’M DOING IT!!