We at The Nass are in the business of maintaining our cherished readership’s happiness in all walks of life, and with Valentine’s Day a recent but no less traumatic event of the past, we understand how draining (both emotionally and financially) that lover can be on you. We’re looking out for you, dear reader; we know your struggle. In order to help you move forward this year, we offer strategies, techniques, and never-before-considered back-up plans devised by our team of amorous experts on how to rid yourself of your Valentine.
May your decisions be more effective, your thoughts more lucid, your bank account and ego swelling with fullness after the successful completion of our tactics.
1. Position him as the king of the jungle before pushing him off a cliff so that he gets trampled by wildebeests in a way too profound, too vastly punishing for children to understand.
2. Grab him by the waist as if you were about to tango, with one leg between his and the other extended behind you. Then, instead of the tango, dance the Dance of Assured Death, which assuredly kills your partner.
3. Have a conjure woman goopher his garden.
4. Suffocate her in her sleep with your man-boobs.
5. Get her sent to a low-security mental hospital, where she will inevitably piss off the evil head nurse, Dr. Jemimah, who will get mad and turn your lover into a vegetable. Ultimately, though, your lover’s large, silent friend Biff will help her escape the institution by throwing a fridge through a window.
6. Mail him a cobra.
7. During the act of love-making, you ask if you might enter her from behind, then you switch places with Russian President Vladimir Putin. You wave from outside the bedroom’s bay window just as she reaches climax. She collapses of shame and later dies.
8. Let a pack of hyenas into her room.
9.Tell her that she may or may not be pregnant. With a demon child that will rip through her womb. This should scare her to death.
10. Tell him you have a suprise for him. When he asks what it is say “you are not alive, but dead.” While this is not technically murder, his life as a self-convinced wandering ghost will be a hell of loneliness and existential misery.
11. Exploding Bible. Fire and brimstone.
12. Tie his tie too tight. When he goes to loosen it, perhaps he will accidentally kill himself. This method is not a guaranteed success.
13. During the act of love-making, you ask if you might enter her from behind, then you switch places with Russian President Vladimir Putin. You wave from outside the bedroom’s bay window just as she reaches climax. She collapses of shame and later dies.
14. The poisoned-apple…..classic, sweet, and timelessly romantic.
15. Devour her essence.
16. A romantic walk on the beach followed by burying her alive in the sand.
17. Kill her softly with your song.
18. As he sleeps, replace his nose with an elephant nose. When he wakes up, he will be surprised by the weight of his own nose crushing him to death.
19. Auto-erotic asphyxiation. But too erotic. Or rather, too asphyxiatic.
20. She’s the black spy, you’re the white spy; she decides it’s a great idea to pilot a mini-helicopter up to your third-story window and toss a bomb in; but she doesn’t consider that enormous barrel of highly-flammable liquid you’ve got up there, and you’re down below (safely out of reach); she does the dead, ignites the liquid, dies in the fireball, and there you are, snickering beneath a lamppost.
21. Cube her.
22. Use a plunger.
23. Smoke him. Like in rap songs.