1) Whatever ancient crime forever embittered the staff of Thai Village.
2) The Princeton Tiger’s obsession with third floor bicker. You guys are in Tower, assholes.
3) People who, when you tell them that snot tastes better than earwax, say “Yuck” and pretend they’ve tasted neither.
4) People who pretend not to know that snot is kind of tangy and earwax is sort of bitter.
5) Sorority girls who misspell their favorite books and authors on thefacebook.com (“Aneid,” anyone? Something by Jane “Austin,” perhaps?) Get out of Princeton and go back to Mount Holyoke, ladies.
6) Green Light Magazine’s glossy pages. I hate jerking off into a Green Light only to slip on my still-fresh semen weeks later on my way back from the bathroom. I guess I’ll have to “stick” to the Prince.
7) Prematurely bald Republican-politicos.
8) Gabe Hudson: Fine by Me
9) Blonde-haired, blue-eyed vixens with an overwhelming passion for Jonathan Safran Foer.
10) The fact that no one has ever invaded the eastern United States via Iceland, Greenland, Quebec, or even from Irkutsk and Kamchatka. Stop hiding out in Siam and come and get me, bitch.
11) My recurring Mayim Bialik fantasies.
12) “I’m kind of a big deal.”
13) Quebec’s incessant flirtation with “secession.”
14) How everyone else claims “Nightswimming” is special to them, too!
15) Middle-aged men on the dance floor who think they’ve hidden their boners just because they’ve “flipped” them up.
16) Refusing to acknowledge that you’re a junkie despite having just encouraged your best friend to go all the way into New York City to hang out with his gay stalker in the unlikely hope that his stalker will give him some coke that he will then give to you.
17) Dandyism and its discontents.
18) Former first ladies who consider forced evacuation and the loss of everything you own to be something of a “paid vacation.”
19) People complaining about high gas prices. Your house is still standing, bitch.
20) Whatever idiot bureaucrat decided it was a good idea to force 20,000 people on a Dome Tour of the South.
21) All you Erin Miller haters. Just because you also don’t know Erin Miller doesn’t make you any cooler.
22) Rumors about Cannon Club’s impending resurrection.
23) Long Islanders who say they’re from New York and then refuse to elaborate.
24) The U-store’s over-reliance on carnies for non-manual labor.
25) Asheesh Siddique’s excessive, dull Wall musings. At least it’s better than a megaphone.
26) Tracy Chapman’s vegetarian gumbo.
27) Crouching Leeds, Hidden Leibowitz.
28) Members of the class of 2009–who have yet to attend an actual lecture – joining the “You Were Totally Checking Me Out In Lecture Today” group on facebook.com before the school year has started.
29) When I’m playing in the US Open and I’m down a set and a break and I throw down my racquet in disgust only to have it bounce back up and strike me in the face.
30) The new Agape calendar: “The Twelve Chastest Girls of the Anscombe Society!”
31) Cottage members complaining that the orchestra sweatshirts look a little too much like their UCC hoodies.
32) Campus liberal media “conglomerates.” Is there really no vast left-wing conspiracy?
33) The Savoy Club, Ltd.
34) The statistically-improbable over-incidence of Jewish Republican males in the class of 2008.
36) When I ask my dad where he put my laundry and he says “WHAT? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!” and points at his iPod.
37) What’s the deal with buff, hairless half-Asians?
38) Post-9/11 firefighter chic.
39) Hemming when I really mean to haw.
40) Being detained at the Prusso-Russian border when all you really want is to go fox-hunting in Dusseldorf.
41) Being Stuck in the Sudetenland with the 1939 blues again.
42) Sleater Kinney and all ye who listen to ’em
43) The use of performance-enhancing admissions policies to increase the student body.
44) Skinny, aloof people of YOUR nationality, ethnicity, creed, or gender; and/or treacherous people of YOUR MOM’S nationality, ethnicity, creed,
45) Single-man justice/anti-prejudice initiatives.
46) “Downsy Jen” and her Web o’ Lies.
47) Whitman College’s striking resemblance to Al-Qatakar: Saddam’s final unfinished palace.
48) The unprecedented demise of the original TFC: the Topanga Fan Club.
49) The lack of a Kosher substitute for the Jamaican beef patty (the Jew-maican beef patty?).
50) Telling your friend to meet you for brunch at Zorba’s only to discover that in all the confusion you totally forgot which Zorba’s t
51) That all French gendarmes have the same little moustache as Inspector Clouseau.
52) Tellin’ my achey-breaky heart.
53) Chevy Chase.
54) The Healthy Eating Lab subsuming the Bev Lab as a constantly changing front for the Frist-run Meth Lab.
55) McDean Anne-Marie Slaughter Princeton’s very own Big Mac of Public Policy and International Affairs.
56) Bench-warmers at Bent Spoon: when you finish your scoop, move it.
57) Chanting Free Michael Lohman or creating Free Michael Lohman T-Shirts as a form of irony/social commentary.
58) That unfinished lanyard dangling from your pocket.
59) Members of the class of 2005 at lawnparties. Get a life. Better yet, get a job.
60) The “improved” My Academic Record. Whatever happened to the cute tigers?
61) “Mein Googleselbst”, or The Remnants of My 72 Hours in the Blogosphere.2
62) Negative Nancys.
63) Sloe gin.
64) Trent Lott’s porch.
65) The legend of the micropenis: every man’s worst nightmare.
67) Dodgeball matches that somehow don’t turn into race riots.
68) Teutonics: The White Man’s Vernacular English.
69) Over-appreciating the inclusion of “Robocop” and “Armageddon” in the Criterion Collection. Cause you don’t get it, asshole. But we do.
70) One male staff member’s fantasy that the reading of his suggestions for this list at a Nass meeting will prompt a stunningly sexy freshman girl to
approach him after the meeting, where she will say, “I have never known the touch of man. Fuck me now.” And he will wear the glory of that defloration like
a shining wreath atop his head for the rest of his days.
71) Emails about lost items of clothing from my eating club. Even though you may know my club’s president, you’re still not going to find it, freshman.
72) People who don’t hire seniors because they’ve been “burned in the past.”
73) The Hardee’s/Carl’s Jr. continental divide.
74) People disregarding your coke addiction/blatant call for help because you’re “too fat” to be a cokehead.
75) “Sexy” freshman girls. Fellows – no matter how hot they are, your best case scenario is a handjob.
76) The SAE circle-jerk.
77) Keg-pumping penises. True story.
78) The artificially depressed value of the Yuan and my nagging fear that those little $2 trinkets I buy in Chinatown will soon cost $47.28.
79) The cult of Sittenfeld.
80) Comp. Lit.: Varsity Bullshit.
81) Karl Rove’s striking resemblance to my penis.
82) People who move my Seven jeans and Lacoste polo shirts into the dryer. You’re not being a good Samaritan – you’re shrinking $400 worth of clothing.
83) People who claim they’re banned from the U-Store just to gain a little bit of street cred.
84) Points and Punts: the poor man’s rant.
85) Colonialism. Actually, it was kind of awesome.
86) That time I tried to hug Joyce Carol Oates only to discover she wasn’t really there.
87) Chief Justice William H. Rehnquist: too good for this world.
88) The Crystal Tiger Award Committee, or How Harrison Frist Got His Dad to Pay for Some More Shit.
89) Using Dr. Strangelove, or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb as a titular device.
90) Frist’s fifth-year anniversary celebrations.
91) Intelligent Design: the idiot’s evolution.
92) David Hasselhoff’s hidden addiction to schizer-porn.
93) That time my PhD in Saladology was revoked for cheating.
94) KenTacoHut: the awful smell of three fast-food chains uniting as one.
95) “Diversity efforts.”
96) Unattractive girls in my Creative Writing classes. Why can’t more busty young bombshells share their sexual awakenings with me?
97) Crossing swords.
98) The Daily Princetonian’s new color format. Color is no excuse for less content
99) “Summer brights, linen whites, lazy cocktails, balmy breezes.”
100) People who make long lists of negative things they hate instead of positively contributing to the world or taking steps to ameliorate the faults they find.