Hey there, Students. Are you feeling a little, well, chubbly-wubbly? Are your ankles a bit cankly? Are your hips bulbous and obscene? Are your cheeks filled to bursting with pie? Here at the Nassau Weekly we feel comfortable enough to tell you that you are, in fact, a little bit too fat. Not too much. Don’t get us wrong, we think that you look great. It’s just that you could look a little…more thin. So we have done you the service of creating this weekly column, in which we pass along some of the dieting options that have worked for us here at the svelte Nass office. And the inaugural Diet-of-the-Week is…
Don’t scoff, you scoffers! Simply follow these simple rules, and the Nass will have you flashing that sexy sternum in under four days. Don’t believe it? Then try it, you repugnant cow from the planet Fatsulon!
Every morning, mix two bags (not three bags, Missy Puffcheeks!) of Splenda-brand sweetener in a glass of filtered water. Soak a 10-foot length of string for forty-five minutes. While waiting, you might want to stare at yourself in the mirror for motivational purposes. When the string is soaked, begin to eat it. Consume enough string so that at least five inches remain dangling from your mouth. Go to class, or wherever it is you huskers congregate. The cake shop, I don’t know.
When you start to see yourself gaining weight from the Splenda, quickly pull the string out of your body. You have soaked up enough nutrients for the day. Dispose of the string somewhere where people can’t find it. You don’t want anybody to know that you eat.
Repeat every day for one week. If you don’t see results, write complaints to firstname.lastname@example.org. We promise we read them.