Heya Hippos! It’s a brand new week, and that means a brand new opportunity to eat less than you did last week. How much did you eat last week, anyway? It’s okay, you can tell us. I bet it was more than enough.

I can tell by the way you are holding this issue that you wouldn’t mind taking a bite out of it. No, you sloppy goose, this isn’t food. This is a newspaper.

Anyway, in order to curb that eating habit of yours, we are proud to present this week’s weekly diet:


This is one of the simplest diets out there, so just follow these simple-as-fuck instructions and you’ll be bumpin’ hipbones with the fellas in no time flat.

Firstly, call your mother. The best way to do this is by opening the window and screaming at the top of your lungs until your mother arrives. This shouldn’t take longer than three to four days. Next, order your mother to gather up nuts, berries and flax seeds from the surrounding environs. Tell her to chew ‘em up nice and slow, and to make sure to swallow it all down with a good deal of saliva.

This next step is the trickiest part, because it involves lying on your back and opening your mouth real wide, which I know is difficult for you fatties unless there is an ice cream pump or a cow’s udder directly overhead. Once you are in this position, have your mother bend in nice and close and vomit that scrumptious bile right into your own mouth.

Yep, exactly like that. Now swallow.

The advantage to this diet is that your mother’s stomach acids have probably broken down most of the fat content of the food, leaving dry nutrients without any lipids. Your mother, in other words, takes all the fat, which is fitting because she is probably too old for intercourse. You, on the other hand, get nothing but excess waste. Which is about what you deserve.

Also, it creates a nice emotional bond and reinforces dependency.

That’s it for this week, you loathsome gargantuasaurs. Tune in next week for even more great diet tips.

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