1. Natalee Holloway.
2. James Taylor, and the giant pussies who love James Taylor.
3. Wasps who give “spiels”.
4. My roommates using my Ann Coulter poster as a jizz-rag.
5. That one kid who finished Infinite Jest.
6. Vaguely Mongoloid half-Asians and/or Suri Cruise.
8. That time Mel Gibson showed up drunk to my nephew’s bris.
9. Natalie Portman. If I wanted to see a flat-chested 12-year old getting her head shaved, I’d go to North Korea.
10. Students who call their parents. Grow the fuck up!
11. Gentile irony.
12. Greenhouse gasses.
14. The myriad Thetans colonizing my body.
15. The myriad Thetans colonizing your body.
16. The entire goddamned theatre community.
17. People who masturbate in the shower. You think the water washes it away, but I can still smell it.
18. Cliterary Theory.
20. Your grandmother’s vulva. Picture that! It’s so old!
21. Your breasts. They droop a little. Not that much. Noticeable though.
22. Students from the Soviet bloc…we still don’t trust you.
24. Chewing foil.
25. Chanting and/or shouting. Enthusiasm in general.
27. Ethnic Albanians.
28. Sexual assault. When will the pain/fun end?
29. The Salem Witch trials.
30. Frat hazing. It’s so gay.
31. That time I got off from a knee job.
33. The Wildcats diva arch.
34. Graphic novels.
35. Fat girls who are into spoken word poetry enacted by fat people.
37. LARP. Also: Furries.
38. The spirited circle-jerk thundering through the publications building.
39. Free Mumia.
40. The homeless.
41. Amateur dentistry.
42. That time I said “untouchables” and everyone thought I meant the movie when actually I was making a joke at the expense of all those impoverished Indians.
43. The Nuremberg defense.
44. The Princeton Tower Club.
45. The glossy-paged ramifications of Andrew Perlmutter’s being red-lighted from Ivy.
46. When my analyst leans over from the divan, strokes my inner thigh, and tells me it’s going to be okay.
47. Immigrants. Also their strange food smells.
48. Timid tinklers.
49. Professors who assign their own books. Grow the fuck up!
50. The tectonic interplay of my thigh hair and my pubic hair.
51. Bob Dylan’s recurring Alicia Keyes fantasies.
52. Adopted kids.
53. Scarlet Johanssen: everyman’s muse.
54. Ugly twins. What’s the point?
55. Freshmen having freshmen sex.
56. The myth of the clitoral orgasm.
57. The lamentable decline of Fidel Castro’s health.
58. The smell of unpopular kids.
59. Jeff Miller, Rhodes Scholar.
60. That time I tried to invade Russia in winter.
61. Janitors who try to carry on conversations with me when I am wearing a towel and who then insist on putting my trashcan in front of my door so as to force me to take it inside my room and then, when I neglect to, they take it away and never give it back so now I have nowhere to throw away those fucking free Daily Princetonians obstructing my door.
62. That time McCosh sent an ambulance when I broke my hymen during spinning class.
63. Our heretofore ineffectual attempts to garner a fatwa.
64. Colorblind people feeling sorry for themselves and/or mismatching their socks.
65. “We shall support Sotto.” – Cornel West
66. Rihanna’s tainted love.
67. Hal behaving badly.
68. The sand in my cooter.
69. That whole Yale thing.
70. Terrace chicks who won’t do anal.
71. Ed White in tender repose on the chaise in the corner.
72. Being “patient” with vending machines.
73. My gynecologist getting all Patch Adams on me.
74. Closet homosexuals.
75. The dungeon in Stephen Sondheim’s basement.
76. ‘Hookah’ as a verb.
77. ‘Oliver Stone’ as a filmmaker.
78. The truth universally acknowledged that a hipster in possession of tapered jeans must be in want of a cameltoe-induced yeast infection.
79. The genetic undesirables also known as the class of 2010.
81. McSweeney’s, those smug pirate motherfuckers.
82. When I’m driving on the road at night and I see two headlights coming toward me. Fast. I have this sudden impulse to turn the wheel quickly, head-on into the oncoming car. I can anticipate the explosion. The sound of shattering glass. The flames rising out of the flowing gasoline.
83. The boudoir shots that Joyce Carol Oates handed back with my short story freshman year.
84. The dearth of complaint boxes in refugee camps.
85. People who bump into me when I’m busy being angsty.
86. Whitman College: evidence of man’s hubris, blight on God’s earth.
87. The unrelenting misery of existence.
88. Lonely foreign students. Grow the fuck up!
89. The Umayyad Caliphate of Cordoba.
90. People who say that Asians are the new Jews.
91. The so-called “Sexpert.”
92. The way of the buffalo.
93. The Midwestern huffing phenomenon.
94. The opportunity we will have to draw into Whitman and Mathey as the first seniors in the new college system.
95. Babies in bunny suits.
96. Meddlesome unemployed members of the class of 2006.
97. What’s with Quad? No seriously, what’s with Quad?
98. Soggy roaches and/or soggy crêpes.
99. My rapier wit.
100. The prospect of my parents seeing this list.