Every spring, the staff of the Nassau Weekly compile a list of things they do not want to see next year. However, I realized it was unnecessary to involve other people in such a task, as I am disproportionately outraged. Also, my therapist thought it would be a useful exercise. Thusly:

  1. The shit I got away with in high school
  2. “You’re pretty ____ for a _____” [opinionated, woman], [articulate, minority], [sexy, fifteen-year-old]
  3. PDA
  4. No P/D/F
  5. My unsuccessful PTA campaign
  6. The continued use of Central Park carriage horses
  7. The way we were
  8. People >29 years of age staying in hostels
  9. Suburban white kids doing the “blood” sign with their fingers
  10. Children of divorce
  11. Sexually active European teens
  12. “Daddy issues” as an “explanation” for “promiscuity”
  13. How awkward it is between me and your dad after the Thanksgiving Break Incident of 2014
  14. How I always have to check how to cite sources in a paper even though I’ve ostensibly written thousands of footnotes
  15. Not recognizing Henry Kissinger as a war criminal
  16. How Che was actually pretty hot
  17. Rich White Men who can take Trump as a joke because the policies they ridicule are largely directed towards poor minorities and women and have actual, unfunny effects on those groups
  18. Limousine liberals, champagne socialists, and leftists who frequent Sunday Funday
  19. Guys who act like eating pussy makes them feminist icons
  20. The way you make me feel
  21. Meeting people from Penn who claim “We’re rivals!!” & not being able to correct them because on the one hand, they’re certainly not right, while on the other hand you’re an elitist piece of shit
  22. Americans clinging to wavering British accents. You moved here when you were three, asshole
  23. “Where are you really from?”
  24. Rich white twenty-somethings referring to themselves as “wanderlust”-plagued “nomads” because they posted an Instagram from Southeast Asia one time and/or have a cover photo of themselves surrounded by brown children
  25. The way you look at her
  26. The “Steph Curry circlejerk” circlejerk
  27. The C-store jerking me around in regards to kombucha availability
  28. Go-Gurt, the drinkable yogurt
  29. World hunger
  30. Your charming wife
  31. “My fellow Americans”
  32. People not wearing shoes and/or socks in the Firestone bathroom
  33. Performative studying in front of the Marquand windows
  34. Terrace creepers
  35. Sleeping together in a twin bed
  36. People who ask if you’re standing in line for the bathroom…No, I just took a break to inhale the smell of shit for a few minutes
  37. New York Times real estate articles about NYU students with “affordable” West Village two-bedrooms
  38. Greek organizations and/or people throwing parties in public spaces, and leaving the trash for the Facilities staff to clean up
  39. How my thesis fairy asked if I wanted anything & I said “To get straight-up murdered,” & she reported me to CPS
  40. Happy couples dining in the Mediterra window as I walk past with a Public bag full of mini bottles & Sakura takeout
  41. Being told by well-intentioned people to “Go to bed!” or “Finish your work!” as though the idea had never crossed your mind
  42. When you counter my story about something horrific a male person has done to me with a “Um, actually, he’s a really great guy if you get to know him.”
  43. The word SWUG
  44. Anyone who’s ever touched me
  45. Everyone who’s ever refused to touch me
  46. Simplistic BJL critiques penned by “probably econ, maybe Woody Woo” freshmen in the Prince
  47. The Princeton Open Campus Coalition
  48. QuipFire, Theta, and/or Fashion Speaks profile photos
  49. “Take Ivy” cover photos
  50. People who watch Apple product launches
  51. Whatever Tobey Maguire’s up to these days
  52. Gender
  53. The patriarchy
  54. Beyoncé thinkpieces penned by Wesleyan grads
  55. Fucking garbage humans
  56. arbage humans fucking
  57. InfiniT, that orientalist hell-basement
  58. When I express approval for social welfare at Thanksgiving dinner & my 89-year-old grandmother calls me “a fucking pinko”
  59. Drawing the short straw when my siblings and I are deciding which one of us will guillotine our bourgeois family in The Revolution
  60. How difficult this university makes it to go independent if you do not have a car and/or good housing
  61. The idea that America was ever “great” and thus, could be made great “again”
  62. That time I wore a white dress to TI formals
  63. The impurity of Zete cocaine
  64. Hot foreigners talking shit about me in some hot foreign language
  65. Rape as a throwaway plot device
  66. Frittering away my youth in front of a computer
  67. Shortening my life via exposure to harsh outdoor UV rays
  68. How this is the most fertile I’ll ever be
  69. Emailing a boy I remember wearing a Cottage sweatshirt to our econ precept sophomore year at 1am to ask for a Sunday Funday spot
  70. Waking up in a cold sweat at 2:30am upon realizing it was actually a Cloister sweatshirt
  71. People who exclusively Instagram pictures of themselves
  72. Movies where female reporters use their sexuality to extract information
  73. Communal bodies of water
  74. Realizing mid-hookup that the person on top of you and/or beneath you bears an uncanny resemblance to one of your relatives
  75. Getting drunk enough to confess something embarrassing, but not drunk enough to forget confessing something embarrassing
  76. Your “romantic” story about how your parents met when she was his grad student and he was a married professor
  77. How you couldn’t believe I could believe it wasn’t butter
  78. 18-year-old “novelists”
  79. Blood coming out of your wherever
  80. Not recognizing the hypocrisy inherent in critiques of “safe spaces,” which are in themselves an attempt to carve out a “safe space” in which certain [predominantly white, male] voices can echo forth, free of criticism or debate
  81. Equating ironic misandry with the millennia-long subjugation, sexual abuse, and literal ownership of women
  82. Smug Bridge Year and/or Bronfman alums
  83. Hot arc grad students hot-arc-grad-ignoring me
  84. That time the Social Register misgendered my Rhenish Warmblood
  85. When I watch HBO at the gym & it looks like I’m watching porn
  86. When I watch porn at the gym & it looks like I’m just watching HBO
  87. The classic “Nass list switcheroo!!” as seen above
  88. The new exclusivity of Charter Friday. Who are we kidding?
  89. When you toss me a comment but no like
  90. Being too consumed by dicklust to do the readings
  91. Your house’s Wikipedia page
  92. Your grandfather’s Wikipedia page
  93. Bragging about how your dad was named in the Panama Papers
  94. Attempting to compensate for the shameful origins of your family’s wealth by donating your trust’s dividends to the Sanders campaign and/or putting a FEEL THE BERN 2016 sticker on your father’s Jag
  95. Every photograph taken of me in 2013
  96. Being alone with a friend you only ever hang out with in groups
  97. Hot cashiers privy to my despicable personal hygiene purchases
  98. Seeing everyone I’ve specifically called out here at Reunions every year for the next 50-150 years
  99. Loving every minute of it
  100. Graduating

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