Dear Smart Sally,

What should I get my boyfriend for Valentine’s Day?


Clueless in Cuyler

Dear Clueless,

Men only want one thing from us: hand-knit socks. So, grab your knitting needles and a big ball of wool and get cracking. Good luck!

Smart Sally

Dear Smart Sally,

Lately, my girlfriend has been acting like she secretly doesn’t want me around. When we’re out, she flirts with other guys right in front of me and we haven’t had sex in a month and a half. She says she’s on her period. What should I do?

Baffled Boyfriend

Dear Boyfriend,

It sounds like it’s no secret that your girlfriend doesn’t want you around. In fact, it sounds like she’s kind of a bitch. There’s only one mature thing to do in this situation. Beat her over the head and carry her back to your room. It worked for the cavemen; it will work for you. Also, maybe take her to the doctor. A month and a half is a very long time to menstruate.

Smart Sally

Dear Smart Sally,

I really like this boy and I want to date him. How can I get him to notice me?



Dear Invisalign,

This is an area in which I am quite the expert. Many a wonderful relationship I’ve had based on my ability to get noticed by the opposite sex. Here is what you do: Show up everywhere! Get him used to seeing you so you know he’ll be thinking about you. Wave at him at meals, make sure you find him when you’re out partying, text him all the time, hang out outside of his classes, and occasionally peer into his bedroom window. This will ensure that you’re on his mind. Next, do nice things for him, when you can. If you go out for coffee, you should treat. If he has a long problem set, you should do it for him. Change the oil in his car, wash his socks and underwear. This way, he’ll think of you as a good hearted person, which is key. At this point, he may ask you to back off. That’s how you know it’s working. In the final stages, you should begin to touch him casually. A brush on the arm, a delicate squeeze of the fingers. Curl up in his lap like a sad puppy. Finally, start referring to him as your boyfriend in conversation and when you’re talking to him. If you follow these steps, it’s a sure thing. I have faith in you!

Smart Sally

Dear Smart Sally,

Please stop following me around. I do not like it when you look into my windows like you do. Please stop taking my socks and touching my feet. It freaks me out. I am not encouraging you! I will call the police if you keep this up.


Leave Me Alone, God Damn It.

Dearest darling,

I love you and I miss you! I think it is so sweet that you’re contacting me here at my workplace. I can’t stand to be away from you either. I’ll see you later tonight, same time as usual.


Your girlfriend,

Smart Sally

Dear Smart Sally,

I love Valentine’s Day candies, but I’m allergic to chocolate. What can I do?


Tainted Love

Dear Love,

I say go ahead and eat those delicious chocolate morsels. They are certainly delicious and you should not be deprived. Every ten chocolates or so, inject yourself with an Epi-pen. This should prevent any allergic reaction, leaving you able to celebrate Valentine’s Day with the normal folk. Happy trails!

Smart Sally

Dear Readers,

In honor of Valentine’s Day, I have composed this poem for you.

_Roses are red_

_Violets are kind of blue_

_Thank you for reading._

_You know I love you._

_Ask me your questions,_

_I’ll give you advice._

_Scalp really itchy?_

_You probably have lice._

Happy Valentine’s Day,

Love Smart Sally.

Do you enjoy reading the Nass?

Please consider donating a small amount to help support independent journalism at Princeton and whitelist our site.