Dark Semitic male (6’1”, 170 lbs) of Russian fame and infamy seeks tall female with long raven-black hair and an ancestral breed of Irish and Scottish genes mixed with only the best dominant alleles of Eastern Europe. Looking particularly for someone who knows by heart the theories of Kinsey and Lorentz in addition to the behavioral patterns of the mysterious hirundo rustica. Must be willing to hear about Pushkin and Tolstoy ad nauseum.
-Vanna B. Mybabushka
This one was sent to us by snail mail. When we opened the letter a bunch of dirt and horse-tail hairs fell out. It reads:
“I WILLLL NOTTTTTT BE AFRAID OF WOMEN. OH NO. THE MILK WAS SWEET AND THE BUTTER CREAMY. HAYSTACK ON MY LEGS. COMMUNE TASTY FUNKY OH HO THE LAPTOP EATS MY BILE OH NO HO HO LO. OH NO NO NO NO OH NO. AFRAIDDDDDDDDD OF WWWWOOOMMENNNNNN”
There were some Celtic runes that followed, but we’re not sure how to type them.
I’m so into you, you whore, it’s just a terrible nasty joke how much I’m fiending after your disgusting ass. Particularly your chest, but also your stomach, which is revoltingly hot. Something about the way your tongue moves when you talk makes me want to vomit with surging lust. I want to cry furiously as I dig my fingernails into your shitty terrible skin, which I hate so much I just want to spend months licking it and licking it. Fucking months. Just licking on your terrible bitch face, which is the most repulsive goddamn slap-worthy face I have ever wanted to kill ten thousand armies for. I want to stand panting, mired in the filth of battle, gore-smeared, tendons taut, sword clutched in my fist as I crush towards your evil, evil groin. Which I will destroy. With such tenderness.
Dainty, cunning Jewess seeks ski instructor for personal use. That is all.
Francophone Francophile seeks same, except mostly male (as male as one can be while being both francophone and Francophile) with Frankish features and burning desire to engage in Charlemagne and Himiltrude role plays after formal festivities. Carolingian Renaissance to follow. Hunchbacks and Saracens need not apply.
Stunning senior editor seeks Jeff Nunokawa.
SWF, in search of A GUY
Terrace formals: She’s taken. And her date is HOT. But I want you to know how great she is. Because, DAMN, she is.
[Yes, yes: bragart-ing and general conceit are bad, but personals are all about trash-talk and flagrant deception.]
Only marginally-enrolled at Princeton, this foxaaahy blue-eyed sophisticate shall be descending for birthday tour and debauch the week inaugurated by formals.
[By the by, her religio-political orientation: Save Micawber(!)]
So: Looking for love in all the wrong places? Mulling, she chews on a plastic writing implement and finally–slowly and very very seductively–intones: “Baby, let me sort you out.”
The satin gauntlet is cast.
Daring, bold 5’9″ Jewish M with extreme good looks has decided not to be daring and bold by placing an ad for a similarly attractive F, height < 5'8". Think Annie Hall for a better looking, more bold and daring Alvy Singer. If you don't know what I'm talking about, it might not work. Looking for sexy hips that don't lie. Half-animal, half-man preferred. Will make you want to speak Spanish. Most likely Columbians and Haitians. No fighting. Thirtyish academic wishes to meet woman who's interested in Mozart, James Joyce and sodomy. Looking for: Female between 17 and 27, who can drive a stick-shift pre-Cold War sports car without power steering; must carry puma-scented pepper spray to unremorsefully blind those Gentiles downstairs who quote from Borat; monotheists desired; whose lips taste of gutter-grog; will compensate generously – faintly stained mauve EuroParty dress provided, along with a red party-time hat. Irish need not apply. Naïve freshman girl seeking desperate upperclassman who can’t find another date as her ticket into winter formals. Preferably, said upperclassman is tall, dark, handsome, sweet, funny, Roman Catholic, athletic, and a gourmet hibachi chef. Realizing such an individual is a figment of the naive freshman girl’s imagination, she will settle for a sort of average looking, relatively good kid. Said “good kid” should enjoy three hour running- frolics in the snow. He may also secretly enjoy Breakfast at Tiffany’s – though public acknowledgement of such an enjoyment is not desired. Most importantly, he must make the naive freshman girl feel better by joining in her yogurt pretzel eating binges (such as the one she is partaking of at this very moment). Ownership of a BMW or a small Caribbean Island is always a plus. Engineers and sexual predators need not apply. Heterosexual English major seeking a nice, respectable young lady who knows a mean box-step and a sassy Charleston. Turned off by illiteracy and Eastern Europeans. Pearls and vacuum cleaner a plus. If need, will supply a copy of “Finnegans Wake” … in German. You do read German, don’t you? Please contact jraimo@ if interested. Male, too short to donate sperm to infertile couples, looking for a walking date to winter formals. Must have legs and some form of transportation that isn’t living. Must share my love for baby seals, and show it by having a multicolored assortment of purple baby seal Lisa Frank folders in her possession (yes we will check, we also have a black light), must love baby seals because they are tHe cuTeSt!!!! Except for the red baby seal because she’s a major slut and all the other seals want to bite her ears off. Must be able to fit comfortably in a dress size 7, and must feel comfortable around men wearing Lederhosen. Call me: 979.204.6912, I will need a ride there and back but will pay for gas and soft drinks consumed along the way. Single White Male seeks attractive female for night of merriment, romance and getting kicked out of Charter. I enjoy the number 42, Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan and making out by bonfires on the beach. Interested applicants should e-mail me at email@example.com. No experience necessary. SWM seeking Cottage member; must appreciate early Philip Roth, the tankini, and flavors cranberry, raspberry, and apple (together). Contact 484-332-9138.