Let’s face it – not everyone is good at sex. There are few of us who haven’t had one (or several) bad hookup experiences, and for anyone who hasn’t, you’re either incredibly lucky or you’re the one who’s bad in bed.
This article was supposed to be an equal-opportunity guide to what NOT to do during a hookup, for all hetero-, homo-, bi-, ambi-, whatever-sexuals out there. I found, though, that gay guys and lesbians seem to know what they’re doing, for obvious reasons, and straight guys could only really offer “don’t use teeth,” “make some noise,” and “don’t give knee-jobs.”
Women are a bit more complicated when it comes to all things sexual. Every single woman I talked to had stories of things gone awry during the throws of passion (or feigned passion).
Guys out there, you should know that girls talk about sex much more – and in much more detail – than you probably think. If you do something weird or bad or awkward, all of her friends will know by the next day. So do yourselves and the ladies in your life a huge favor, and read the following:
Making the move – if you fuck up at this point, there’s no point in reading the rest. We’re all horny college students, not much game is required. Just have a normal conversation and clue in to her hints.
• An ass-grab is not a pickup line, and it rarely works. If by some miracle it does, she is going to be ashamed of you in the morning or booting on your floor. Probably both.
• It is not a given that a walk home equals an invite upstairs.
• “I was once making out with a guy on a couch at TI. I started to feel sick, so I grabbed a trashcan and started vomiting. All the while, HE CONTINUED TO SLIDE HIS HAND UP MY SKIRT!! Apparently vomit is a turn-on.”
Making out – This shouldn’t be difficult, it should feel natural and fun. Yet so many people (guys and girls) get it so, so wrong.
• “It’s not like capture the flag with tonsils”
• Nibbles are great, but the makeout should not involve more biting than kissing. “I looked like I got punched in the lip.”
• Don’t tongue-fuck her ear.
Manual pleasures – Touch is the most erogenous of all the senses, so use it well. If you don’t know where the clitoris is, no girl will hook up with you more than once. Get an anatomy book or some porn and figure it out. If you’re not sure you know, then you don’t know.
• Be gentle. “Don’t pull at my nipples like you’re ten and using a sling shot to kill a squirrel”
• Don’t assume that what you think worked before will work on every girl. Listen to her. • • “Do not intently finger some flap of skin that is obviously not the clit and ignore all remonstrance to move a fraction of a centimeter to the left/right.”
Giving oral pleasure – Like it or not, this is a necessary part of foreplay (unless the girl expressly states that she doesn’t like it), and your performance in this arena will directly correlate to the quality of the coitus, should you be so lucky.
• In general, do not receive unless you are prepared to give – this goes for guys and girls. “Reciprocity does not equal flicking your tongue around the general pubic area for ten seconds, then expecting a blowjob to completion.”
• “Eye contact when either party is going down on the other is just WEIRD. What am I supposed to do? smile? wink?”
• Act like you enjoy pleasuring a girl. Trust us, a penis is not exactly the tastiest thing we could put in our mouths, either.
Receiving oral pleasure – Be gracious and grateful. She has your dick in her mouth.
• Wash your penis regularly. This should be self-evident, but the general consensus is that it isn’t.
• Don’t push the girl’s head down, it’s degrading.
• Do not thrust into the girl’s face. You will make her gag, or possibly bite you.
SEX – It’s a natural biological function. It should be intuitive, right? Clearly not.
Sex talk – This can either be a turn-on or a HUGE turn-off. Generally, sticking to compliments like “you’re so hot” or “you’re so fucking hot” is a good way to go.
• Do not use baby talk. Seriously. The last thing we want to think about while having sex is babies.
• No porn star talk in the bedroom. “I was having sex with a guy who kept screaming, ‘Oh yeah baby, you like it. You like it like that. You like it when Big Daddy does that.’”
Foreplay – If you have any interest whatsoever in pleasuring your lady, foreplay is absolutely necessary, the more the better. If you don’t have any interest in pleasuring her, then for fuck’s sake just buy a blow-up doll.
Condoms – I don’t need to tell you why this is important. And though it may be a double standard, most women believe that condoms are the man’s responsibility – his penis, his condom.
• Do not ask a girl to put a condom on with her mouth. “They taste gross.”
• Don’t wear a magnum if you’re not a magnum. “You could lose the condom inside the woman. Finding it later is a turnoff.”
Coitus – This could be an entire article unto itself, so I’ve only included the most egregious ones.
• Be gentle. The average penis is 5.5 inches long. The average vagina is 4.5 inches deep. You do the math.
• “Some girls are not flexible. Unfortunately, guys think that all women are capable of raising their legs above their head – you know, as if you folded like one of those rental chairs.”
• “Don’t grab our fat to ride us. We know it’s fat.”
• If your phone rings in the middle of sex, or you get an IM, don’t stop and check
• “If either party farts during sex, do not call attention to it.”