Overheard in Murray Dodge:

Cookie Enthusiast: I think I would kill everyone here if it meant I would receive the freshest cookies.

Overheard in Firestone:

Freshman girl: Oh! A senior! I bet he’s hard at work on his essay right now!

Overheard in the U-Store:

Girl: I need, like, all of these treats for later.
Boy: You disgust me.

Overheard on Ivy email list:

Sophomore: Second, I would like to point out that someone actually poured a cup of urine on me.

Overheard in the Wa:

Bro: I can get all this candy?
Cashier: Yes.
Bro: For just this money?
Cashier: Yes.
Bro: Incredible.

Overheard on McCosh Walk:

Mother of prospective student: This would be a good place to meet a husband.
Girl: I know, it’s high on my list.

Overheard at Late Meal:

Argyle sweater: So you’re into quaaludes?

Overheard in Terrace:

Terran #1: Can I borrow your phone?
Terran #2: Naw dog my pants are too tight.

Overheard outside Frist:

Chinese tourist, in Chinese: Where are the tigers? Where is Einstein’s office? Where is the math department?

Overheard in HIS precept:

Student: I wanted to take this course because I saw that it covered [King] Louis Philippe and I want to better understand my familial background.

Overheard at Twist

Townie Girl 1: We're not Jewish but my parents are making me observe Passover. Like Obama. He's keeping kosher for Seder.
Townie Girl 2: Isn't he Muslim?
Townie Girl 3: Yeah.

Overheard in Foulke

Girl: And he was like, "You can put me on the guest list for Cottage," and I was like, "Dad, shut the fuck up, you didn't even go here."

Overheard outside 1879

Professor, on cellphone: Well, seeing as my range of e-friends is quite broad... [Pause.] Yeah, I wasn't sure you would get that, it's a list of my friends on the Internet.

Overheard on exposingtheloosechange.com

Without trucks america can't survive, everything you own was more than likely on a truck at one time.

Overheard on whitehousetapes.org

President Lyndon B. Johnson, of a pair of pants: Yeah. Now, another thing: the crotch, down where your nuts hang, is always a little too tight. So when you make them up, give me a inch that I can let out there, because they cut me. They're just like riding a wire fence. [...] See if you can't leave me about an inch from where the zipper [belches] ends around under my—back to my bunghole.

Overheard in Prospect Garden

Senior, melodramatically: I think I like to fetishize victimhood. [Pause.] That's why I was a vegan for like a week.

Overheard in Cafe Viv

Chef: Guess where you are?
Girl Scout, eagerly: Albert Einstein's funeral home!

Overheard outside Firestone

P-Safe Officer 1 to P-Safe Officer 2: Have you seen that movie Over My Dead Body with Paul Rudd?

Overheard in Barnegat, NJ

Librarian, teaching child about the Internet: I don't like Wikipedia because you can just go in and say, "This guy is purple!"

Overheard in ENG351

Professor: But, putting aside the question of whether Clinton is blacker than Obama...

Overheard walking into "Magic of Numbers" midterm

Bro: Yo, I brought my TI-89 but it's total overkill. It's like shooting a bird with a fucking RPG.

Overheard at the Apple Genius Bar

Genius: We could fix that for you, definitely. It will cost you an arm and a leg, if that matters to you.

Overheard in front of bank of urinals in Frist

Bro: What you need to do is, get someone who doesn't suck at singing and make yourself an acoustic version of the Robot Unicorn Attack Song.

Overheard near Whig-Clio

Drunk Bro: Dude, you don't understand how loud you are when you're drunk. It's like you've got caps lock on. Like, AHHH, WHERE THE FUCK IS MY COAT? WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?

Overheard in Chancellor Green Cafe

Professor, to student: I think your thesis is funny, because it's not as academically successful but it's more . . . useful.

Overheard in Rocky dining hall

Diner: The worst part about my cousin coming out of the closet was how long it took. She was talking to me for like five hours.

Overheard in Terrace

Member, in reference to Nassau Weekly stacks stored in the club: Let's get some wire from Home Depot, bind up the stacks and make some new lounge furniture out of them.

Overheard in GEO103

Student: I'm sick of earthquakes happening while I'm taking "Natural Disasters."

Overheard on Prospect Avenue

Guy: Damn it, she's got a dude with her.
Girl: That guy is gay.
Guy: Gay like homosexual, or gay like retarded?

Overheard on Washington Road

Music Nerd: Ugh, my favorite classical music blog hasn't been updated since December.
Cutesy Girl: I know, my favorite notebook slash stationary blog hasn't been updated in over a year!

Overheard by Blair Arch

Big Dude, to Girl: Well, I don't like fairies, but I do like castles a lot.

Overheard on the snow day

Girl 1: There is so much snow, this is incredible!
Girl 2: Yeah. I haven't seen snow like this before.
Girl 1: So why aren't you acting excited? Isn't it awesome??
Girl 2: Because I'm even-keeled and I don't get excited about anything.

Overheard in Guyot

Student 1: Do you know where our lab is?
Student 2: Just go where that dragon is looking. I mean that dinosaur.

Overheard in Terrace

GIrl: . . . but you can't even see them!
Guy, slurring: I'm sorry, I can't help it. When I'm drunk . . . your boobs. . . . They're too much.

Overheard at the Wa

Boy: I don't go any more ethnic than French.

Overheard at East Pyne

Tech Guy: The professor has been injured so class has been cancelled.
Student, getting up: Cool!

Overheard in the Terrace girl's bathroom:

Blacked-out girl: But why hasn't he called??
Member: I don't know who you are.

Overheard in GEO103:

Professor: The earthquake in Haiti was the deadliest natural disaster ever to occur in the Western hemisphere. (Pause) I suppose that's excluding European colonization.

Overheard in Cafe Viv on "Art Night":

Group: (hysterical laughter for 30 seconds)
Girl: Wasn't that a great pun?

Overheard on the Dinky:

Girl #1: I know people who have never been to Twist.

Girl #2: Really?

Overheard walking back from Frist after midnight:

Girl: [To friend] I hope she doesn't think this is, like, a lesbian booty call. I really just want the adderall.

Overheard in Firestone:

Ivy Pi Phi: She was wearing that same dress from her birthday party.

Ivy Theta: Is that the night we almost got raped in the pizza parlor?

Ivy Pi Phi: Yes, and she gained like ten pounds.

Overheard in Terrace:

Bro looking into mirror of Terrace bathroom: [To himself] "My hair looks fucking awesome!"

Overheard at Ivy formals:

[someone vomits in the Mens room]

Junior: Now that's a sound I like!

Overheard in Prospect Garden

Guy: I never accept friend requests from Asians.

Girl: Why?

Guy: Well, you know, if you give a mouse a cookie...

Overheard outside Frist

Guy: I never accept friend requests from Asians.

Girl: Why?

Guy: Well, you know, if you give a mouse a cookie...

Overheard crossing Nassau St.

Housewife: —because I’m the only person who tries to tell the truth like it is—

Husband (interrupting): Yes, but half the time you tell it wrong.

Overheard outside Graduate department lounge:

Male GS: If Jesus came back today, people would probably think he was a zombie and kill him.

Female Chinese GS: Why?

Overheard at Halo pub

Obese woman: That’s right, I’ll be singing in the opera.

Patron: So... you’re an alto?

Overheard after pseudo-science lab

GS Instructor: What was she on? She looked really drunk.

Student 1: Coke, I think.

Student 2: No, you missed the first part of the conversation. She was reminiscing about being on coke.

GS: Well, was she drunk?

Student 2: Oh, and how.

Overheard in the U-Store

Alum: We had pizza and stuff... There was no edamame when I was at Princeton! We should head out.

Alum’s Friend: Wait, but, we are ending up in a bar at the end of the tour, right?

Overheard on Alexander Beach

Girl 1: Do you want to come to Twist?

Girl 2: Sure, I’m just gonna throw up first.