Overheard before Foss went to see "For Colored Girls Who've Considered Suicide"
Foss: Do I really have to watch some play about black girls killing themselves? I'm going to gas myself halfway through it.
Guy 1: I just wanted to tell you, our friendship is like peeing my pants: everyone can see it, but only I can feel the warmth.
Guy 2: I don't think we've met.
Random person: That guy is a gigantic tool.
Earnest Asian Girl: I always hear tool. What is tool mean? Last night I tried to look it up, but I cannot find precise definition.
Professor: What do you think the average depth of the ocean is?
Student: 50,000 miles?
Guy 1: Do I look like a bitch?
Guy 2: (quickly) Yes.
Guy 1: Well, then why do you gotta- wait. Oh.
Female Ivy member to bickeree: Now tell this Cottage member three things you hate about her club.
Bickeree: But-- but I don't know three Cottage members!
Nass Editor 1: I'll be crushed if
I don't win the Rhodes.
Nass Editor 2: We'll all be
crushed if we don't win the
Rhodes.
Ivy Club Member: I stopped smoking pot when I realized everything I wanted from pot I got from valium.
First Girl: Do you think that I have a beer gut?
Second Girl: Well...it's a good thing that you're getting control of it now.
(Awkward Silence)
First Girl: Maybe I'm just eating too much.
Second Girl: No, it's the beer.
Drunk Theta 1: I just don't know who I'm going to walk home with. Rachel and Ben, and Chloe and Mike...
Drunk Theta 2: Well listen to me; I have to take Stephie home, so I won't be hooking up with anyone tonight unless I can do something about that.
Girl watching porn: Wow...it's just like yoga.
Ivy upperclassman hugging
new member in tears: You
finally belong now! For the first
time, you finally belong now!
Prof. Borneman: We need to be
aware of the proximity of the
cocks!
Man reflecting on his recent
haircut: I feel so much lighter,
so much more open -- like a
shaved pussy.
The ship continued her voyage
to Corinth, but a dolphin picked
up Glaucus, of Chios, who
invented the art of welding, and
carried him on its back to Taenarum.
Here Glaucus landed,
and made his way in his singing
costume to Corinth, where he
told the whole story about the
dolphin.
Girl 1: I need to rescue him...
Girl 1 and Girl 2: ...from Jesus.
Jinx!
Pi Phi: I don?t get it. Why do
hot guys come to college if
they?re gay?
President of Terrace: And in celebration of Dare to Care, new member Steve Sasson has agreed to be tased (tases Steve Sasson)
Guy on iPhone: Yeah, they took my ID. Oh well. At least I have a new reason to hate America.
Guesser 1: Trophy Wife!
Guesser 2: Wait, I thought the clue was “person”.
Girl 1: It’s about chickens trying to escape and Mel Gibson tries to convert them.
Girl 2: So...it’s like real life.
Girl: Where are you staying tonight?
Parent: The Courtyard Marriott.
Girl: The COURTYARD Marriott? That’s so ghetto.
Girl: I mean if he only lets me see his limited profile then he probably doesn’t want to bang me anytime soon.
American student: Do you dream in English?
Indian student: Dreams are for pussies?
Girl 1: You're alright, though?
Girl 2: I am lively and fresh, even in the autumn of my girlhood.
SPAM: Good day Verbatim, use our help and you will have to make one more passport for your penis!
Guy: Wait a minute, you found that yarmulke? Oh man, now I have all sorts of Jewish lice, charging my regular lice ridiculous rates.
10:30 a.m. Watch markets. Autos. Oil. Gold. Take brisk walk around trading floor.
12:00 p.m. Lunch with a referral at her private club. Sheʼs wearing a velvet headband and pearls. I gear myself up for a very polite tutorial.
My tutor wears diamonds
Egregious douchebag grabbing bike and slamming it to the ground: Yeah! That's how I roll!
Girl: How the fuck did my boyfriend get a beer-gut?
Guy: You used to like partying with me, Julie!
Girl: And my math preceptor actually speaks English. I would move up to 104, but I don't think I would be as lucky.
Girl 1: I just ate so many Wheat Thins, but I'm still hungry.
Girl 2: For what?
(Pause)
Girl 1: Retribution.
Student: I mean, what's the difference between a Mormon and a Jew when it comes to being Mexican?
Alumnus '07: Do you want to know why I deserve to fly business class?
Junior: Obviously.
Alum: First, Iʼm better. Second, I have enough American Express points to feed a small country.
Dude on phone: The green linen pants, the baby blue blazer, the white collared shirt and the navy blue tie...I think that's it. I definitely need it by Friday
Girl 1: Then, I fell down in the tap room and broke my left wrist.
Girl 2: Well it's good that you broke the left, and not the right, because at least you can still give blow jobs.
Drunk guy: I think you're one of the most beautiful girls on campus. (thoughtful pause) Does that offend you?
Girl (motioning down campus): Let's go down
Guy: Here?
Girl: Fuck off!
Guy 1: What do you think about Butt Rape For Kids?
Guy 2: I don't know. Maybe the government should start a program called No Child Left Behind.
Freshman guy on cell phone: Hi Mom, I have a meeting with my adviser in 20 minutes and I have to decide on classes -- What should I take?
Young Woman: Take off that turtleneck, hot stuff.
Young Man: Anything you say, baby.
Young Woman: Why're you wearing a second turtleneck underneath your turtleneck?
Young Man: Have you lost interest yet?
Chick: Wait, you hooked up with a girl?
Gay dude: Yeah, but come on, she had huge tits.
Chick: Does that do anything for you?
Gay dude: Well, kinda. They’re fun to play with. Like Legos.
Student Running for USG Office: (Knocks on Door)
Guy: (Answer door) Hello!
Student Running for USG Office: You are so great at hearing!
Football Player: Yo man, what is this building? I've always wanted to know what building this is.
Roomate: Dude, this is Terrace. Terrace.
Guy: There should be an atheist chaplaincy... of course then you'd have to have it under the Center for Jewish Life.
Prefrosh girl: Does anyone else feel like it’s colder than it was, like, earlier today?
Sophomore Girl: So this guy I haven’t seen in months
asked me on a date. At first I thought he was trying to assassinate me, but then I realized that I’m not in that game.
Bad writer: But the internet extends beyond national borders.
Student: Do you have any brothers or sisters?
Son of VP of Bed, Bath and Beyond: Yeah, one sister.
Student: Oooh, a sister, eh?
Son of VP: Yeah, but don't get too excited -- she's 14and you're not seeing any of her while we're home tonight.
Student: Ah, too bad. I would have loved to bed, bath and beyond her.
Guitarist: Have you seen our black friend? We think he's dead.
Guy on cell phone: Yeah, apparently she's a carrier, so I can still get it.
Horrible douche: My mistress hasn't been born yet.
Son about father: Bob is here and he wants to fuck.
Professor: I taught school in Southern California once. The students there knew that you never fought your supplier.
Girl on cell phone: First the Holocaust, now this!