Overheard in Cottage

Guy 1: I just wanted to tell you, our friendship is like peeing my pants: everyone can see it, but only I can feel the warmth.
Guy 2: I don't think we've met.

Overheard in Tower

Random person: That guy is a gigantic tool.
Earnest Asian Girl: I always hear tool. What is tool mean? Last night I tried to look it up, but I cannot find precise definition.

Overheard GEO 202

Professor: What do you think the average depth of the ocean is?
Student: 50,000 miles?

Overheard in Frist

Guy 1: Do I look like a bitch?
Guy 2: (quickly) Yes.
Guy 1: Well, then why do you gotta- wait. Oh.

Overheard during Ivy Bicker

Female Ivy member to bickeree: Now tell this Cottage member three things you hate about her club.
Bickeree: But-- but I don't know three Cottage members!

Overheard in the Nass Office

Nass Editor 1: I'll be crushed if
I don't win the Rhodes.
Nass Editor 2: We'll all be
crushed if we don't win the
Rhodes.

Overheard in Ivy

Ivy Club Member: I stopped smoking pot when I realized everything I wanted from pot I got from valium.

Overheard outside Brown Hall

First Girl: Do you think that I have a beer gut?
Second Girl: Well...it's a good thing that you're getting control of it now.
(Awkward Silence)
First Girl: Maybe I'm just eating too much.
Second Girl: No, it's the beer.

Overheard in Frist 100 Level Bathroom

Drunk Theta 1: I just don't know who I'm going to walk home with. Rachel and Ben, and Chloe and Mike...
Drunk Theta 2: Well listen to me; I have to take Stephie home, so I won't be hooking up with anyone tonight unless I can do something about that.

Overheard in Terrace TV Room:

Girl watching porn: Wow...it's just like yoga.

Overheard in Brown courtyard:

Ivy upperclassman hugging
new member in tears: You
finally belong now! For the first
time, you finally belong now!

Overheard in ANT201 lecture:

Prof. Borneman: We need to be
aware of the proximity of the
cocks!

Overheard on the way to the Drag Ball:

Man reflecting on his recent
haircut: I feel so much lighter,
so much more open -- like a
shaved pussy.

Overheard in Pyne:

The ship continued her voyage
to Corinth, but a dolphin picked
up Glaucus, of Chios, who
invented the art of welding, and
carried him on its back to Taenarum.
Here Glaucus landed,
and made his way in his singing
costume to Corinth, where he
told the whole story about the
dolphin.

Overheard in Forbes:

Girl 1: I need to rescue him...
Girl 1 and Girl 2: ...from Jesus.
Jinx!

Overheard in Forbes:

Pi Phi: I don?t get it. Why do
hot guys come to college if
they?re gay?

Overheard at Terrace

President of Terrace: And in celebration of Dare to Care, new member Steve Sasson has agreed to be tased (tases Steve Sasson)

Overheard at Frist

Guy on iPhone: Yeah, they took my ID. Oh well. At least I have a new reason to hate America.

Overheard playing Pictionary

Guesser 1: Trophy Wife!
Guesser 2: Wait, I thought the clue was “person”.

Overheard: in Spellman while watching Chicken Run

Girl 1: It’s about chickens trying to escape and Mel Gibson tries to convert them.
Girl 2: So...it’s like real life.

Overheard: overheard in Rocky

Girl: Where are you staying tonight?
Parent: The Courtyard Marriott.
Girl: The COURTYARD Marriott? That’s so ghetto.

Overheard at Tower

Girl: I mean if he only lets me see his limited profile then he probably doesn’t want to bang me anytime soon.

Overheard at Terrace

American student: Do you dream in English?
Indian student: Dreams are for pussies?

Overheard in Prospect Garden

Girl 1: You're alright, though?
Girl 2: I am lively and fresh, even in the autumn of my girlhood.

Overheard in the SPAM file of the Verbatim mailbox

SPAM: Good day Verbatim, use our help and you will have to make one more passport for your penis!

Overheard at Towe brunch

Guy: Wait a minute, you found that yarmulke? Oh man, now I have all sorts of Jewish lice, charging my regular lice ridiculous rates.

Overheard in diary of anonymous I-Banking recuiter

10:30 a.m. Watch markets. Autos. Oil. Gold. Take brisk walk around trading floor.
12:00 p.m. Lunch with a referral at her private club. Sheʼs wearing a velvet headband and pearls. I gear myself up for a very polite tutorial.
My tutor wears diamonds

Overheard by the bike rack

Egregious douchebag grabbing bike and slamming it to the ground: Yeah! That's how I roll!

Overheard late in Prospect Garden

Girl: How the fuck did my boyfriend get a beer-gut?
Guy: You used to like partying with me, Julie!

Overheard in Forbes

Girl: And my math preceptor actually speaks English. I would move up to 104, but I don't think I would be as lucky.

Overheard in Pyne

Girl 1: I just ate so many Wheat Thins, but I'm still hungry.
Girl 2: For what?
(Pause)
Girl 1: Retribution.

Overheard in Forbes

Student: I mean, what's the difference between a Mormon and a Jew when it comes to being Mexican?

Overheard in Forbes

Alumnus '07: Do you want to know why I deserve to fly business class?
Junior: Obviously.
Alum: First, Iʼm better. Second, I have enough American Express points to feed a small country.

Overheard outside Lockhart

Dude on phone: The green linen pants, the baby blue blazer, the white collared shirt and the navy blue tie...I think that's it. I definitely need it by Friday

Overheard at Ivy

Girl 1: Then, I fell down in the tap room and broke my left wrist.
Girl 2: Well it's good that you broke the left, and not the right, because at least you can still give blow jobs.

Overheard in Bloomberg

Drunk guy: I think you're one of the most beautiful girls on campus. (thoughtful pause) Does that offend you?

Overheard outside 1879 Arch

Girl (motioning down campus): Let's go down
Guy: Here?
Girl: Fuck off!

Overheard at the CJL

Guy 1: What do you think about Butt Rape For Kids?
Guy 2: I don't know. Maybe the government should start a program called No Child Left Behind.

Overheard on McCosh Walk

Freshman guy on cell phone: Hi Mom, I have a meeting with my adviser in 20 minutes and I have to decide on classes -- What should I take?

Overheard upstairs at Charter

Young Woman: Take off that turtleneck, hot stuff.
Young Man: Anything you say, baby.
Young Woman: Why're you wearing a second turtleneck underneath your turtleneck?
Young Man: Have you lost interest yet?

Overheard in Terrace tap room

Chick: Wait, you hooked up with a girl?
Gay dude: Yeah, but come on, she had huge tits.
Chick: Does that do anything for you?
Gay dude: Well, kinda. They’re fun to play with. Like Legos.

Overheard in a Forbes hallway

Student Running for USG Office: (Knocks on Door)
Guy: (Answer door) Hello!
Student Running for USG Office: You are so great at hearing!

Conversation between a roommate and his junior football player roommate

Football Player: Yo man, what is this building? I've always wanted to know what building this is.
Roomate: Dude, this is Terrace. Terrace.

Overheard at the CJL

Guy: There should be an atheist chaplaincy... of course then you'd have to have it under the Center for Jewish Life.

Overheard at midnight on McCosh Walk on the first night of April Hosting

Prefrosh girl: Does anyone else feel like it’s colder than it was, like, earlier today?

Overheard in Forbes

Sophomore Girl: So this guy I haven’t seen in months
asked me on a date. At first I thought he was trying to assassinate me, but then I realized that I’m not in that game.

Overheard on front-page story

Bad writer: But the internet extends beyond national borders.

Overheard in a car

Student: Do you have any brothers or sisters?
Son of VP of Bed, Bath and Beyond: Yeah, one sister.
Student: Oooh, a sister, eh?
Son of VP: Yeah, but don't get too excited -- she's 14and you're not seeing any of her while we're home tonight.
Student: Ah, too bad. I would have loved to bed, bath and beyond her.

Overheard at Terrace

Guitarist: Have you seen our black friend? We think he's dead.

Overheard outside McCosh

Guy on cell phone: Yeah, apparently she's a carrier, so I can still get it.

Overheard in Ivy

Horrible douche: My mistress hasn't been born yet.

Overheard outside of USG office

Son about father: Bob is here and he wants to fuck.

Overheard in HIS 208 lecture

Professor: I taught school in Southern California once. The students there knew that you never fought your supplier.

Overheard outside of Frist

Girl on cell phone: First the Holocaust, now this!