Overheard in Common Room:

Freshman: Where are you from?
Woody Woo Junior: Pakistan.
Freshman: Oh, is that in India?

Overheard in Whitman:

Intime Sophomore, pointing at guy wearing Oakland A’s hat: Why do A’s members have to flaunt that they’re in A’s?

Overheard in Frist:

Girl in boots: My passion is man-aging natural disasters, you know, like Katrina. I hope I can one day become the head of FEMA; that’s my dream.

Overheard in PHI lecture:

Professor, walking toward door: I’m about to say stupid stuff, so I have to make sure the door is closed.

Overheard on Nassau Street:

Girl: I want to get a summer house there, but just for the regatta.

Overheard near Nunokawa:

Professor Nunokawa: What if I did die. Wouldn’t that be terrible. There would be a memorial service. Shirley would speak.

Overheard in Art History:

Freshman: irregardless of pronunciation motifs of delineation and irregardless of how it activates senses it evokes provocative thoughts of malignant growths

Overheard at Columbia game:

Boy, while Columbia band was playing: It sounds like zits popping.

Overheard in Little:

Kappa junior: Let’s be honest, Kappa is the Hufflepuff of sororities.

Overheard in Patton:

Jewish kid: She looked like she was punched in the face ... by a beehive.

Overheard on McCosh Walk:

Girl: I was watching the movie and I recognized some of the dancers.
Guy: What movie?
Girl:We had to watch an 80-minute movie on the origins of krumping.

Overheard on the Street:

Sophomore Pi Phi, walking to rush: I cannot smile for three hours right now.

Overheard on McCosh Walk:

Prince staffer, to Nass editor-in-chief: Do you want to be managing editor of the Prince?

Overheard in Ivy bathroom:

Stout bro, bitching about music: Anybody who plays two Avicii songs in a row deserves to eat my butthole dry.

Overheard in Firestone:

Checkout girl, smiling, looking pretty: Are you a senior?
Senior male: Yeah.
Checkout girl, smiling, looking pretty: Are you sad?

Overheard in Whitman D-Hall:

[Athlete walks by]
Asian freshman girl: He’s wearing an Ivy Club Sweatshirt! He just got so much dreamier! I told you he’d be in a good club!
[3 minutes later]
Which sorority do you think sleeps with the hottest guys?

Overheard at Ivy:

Andy Martens: Blackberries are like girls’ horcruxes.

Overheard in Frist:

Sophomore sorority girl: Is the financial crisis even a real thing? Like I feel like no one has really been affected ...

Overheard on the Street:

Freshman girl 1: What if that car just ran over us right now?
Freshman girl 2: That’d be so Regina George.

Overheard outside Studio 34:

COS major: I mean, the only thing you could really do is analyze her facial structure.

Overheard in Patton:

Senior audiophile: What happens when you keep blasting subs is that they get really floppy like a vagina.

Overheard at activities fair:

Desperate club president: Would you like to learn how to pick up girls?

Overheard on Reddit:

Internet person: I would drag my dick through a mile of brokenglass just to hear her fart through a walkie-talkie.

Overheard outside of Wilson:

Frat boy with Solo cup: Hey, should we offer these freshmen
some of our scotch?
Frat boy without Solo cup: Hey freshmen! Want some scotch?

Overheard in Whitman:

Kappa junior: I watch YouTube videos of passionate, erotic kisses. It makes me happy when I am sad.

Overheard in Whitman:

Australian girl trying to name American states: Montenegro...? Tahiti...? Chicago...?

Overheard in Orgo:

Prof. Semmelhack: If you have a long sausage interacting with another long sausage, it will be a stronger attraction.

Overheard in Dining Hall:

Sophomore Pi Phi, to frosh: I love your skirt! Have you thought of rush? You have a look I think is appropriate.

Overheard in Tower:

Tower junior: Only the less fortunate would iron their dress shirts. You’re supposed to dry clean them.

Overheard at Study Break:

Boy, to friends: I think I’m going to need to break it off with this girl. I don’t think I can handle a long- distance relationship.
Friend: Dude, she lives in Forbes.

Overheard on Mass Text:

Boy taking Jello shots: Agghhh jelly clarksin

Overheard at New Frick:

Boy: I’m going to McCosh to have my cast removed later!
Girl: They have an orthopedist there?
Boy: No, but they have a saw.

Overheard by Prospect Garden:

Father, to small child: Son, the key is to study hard. If you don’t do that you’ll end up at Rutgers, and Mommy and Daddy won’t be proud of you.

Overheard in ECO lecture:

Kappa freshman, to Kappa queen bee: Have you been using that new African mango acai supplement? I’m jeal of your rib bones.

Overheard in Cafe Viv:

Asian girl 1, sheepishly: So yeah, I’m in Woody Woo.
Asian girl 2: Oh, okay.
Asian girl 1, defensively: Yeah, everyone is in the department is really intense. [Pauses] I only applied because my roommate applied and she wanted emotional support.

Overheard in Witherspoon Cafe:

Beta bro: [Girl’s name] just stares at me and ignores me whenever I see her at Cottage ... like I jizzed on her eye sockets or some shit.

Overheard at Ivy:

Sophomore Phi Kap: Dude, I’m a Cap member now. I’m above going to Cap, I only go to TI and Ivy.

Overheard in Whitman:

Tower kid: Is that school even legitimate? $300 million endowment? What a joke.

Overheard outside art museum:

Prefrosh 1, bewildered: Wait, how did you get waitlisted at WashU?
Prefrosh 2: I know, right?
Prefrosh 3: Well, I got rejected at Cornell, Penn, and Dartmouth!

Overheard near drunk people:

Drunk girl: So what are you? Are you, like, a player?
Guy: No, I’m not a player. I get that some guys are players and you’re afraid of getting hurt. But that's not me.

Overheard at Wong-Fu Productions meet and greet:

Boy: I wish I was a girl so I could kiss them.

Overheard in Frist:

[Cottage girl is playing the Amalie theme on the Frist piano]
TI girl: What was that, it was so pretty!
Cottage girl: Oh, that’s the theme from Amalie.
TI girl: Oh, I love Mexican music!

Overheard at dinner:

Post-thesis senior 1: Hey, what are you up to?
Post-thesis senior 2: Not much, I am just drawing and filling in lots of tiny bubbles.

Overheard in a presentation by an eminent arts journalist:

Asian prefrosh, raising hand: Um hi, so I am really thirsty. Where is the water fountain?
[Twenty minutes later...]
Same prefrosh, raising hand: So I really have to pee. Where is the nearest bathroom?

Overheard in a study room:

Pretty African-American girl, to white friend: I am never going to age because I am blacker than you.

Overheard in 2D Co-op:

Tofu chef: I want a parrot that's really short so I can raise it and harvest its brain.

Overheard near girls:

Girl 1, to Girl 2: [Guy's name] is super smart. I want my kids to be his kids, but I don't want to have kids with him.

Overheard in Whitman Library:

Sophomore Pi Phi 1: I wish the haters would stop hating.
Sophomore Pi Phi 2: Yeah, isn't the Pi Phi average GPA like a 3.5?
Sophomore Pi Phi 1: Yeah. We're totally smarter than all those Colonial haters.

Overheard in Nass office:

Editor-in-chief, to other editor-in-chief: Which of these sundresses do you like?

Overheard on McCosh Walk:

Blonde impassioned girl: My life story is more harrowing than Transformers, more life-affirming than The Pianist, and faster than a speeding bullet train...

Overheard in WWS 320:

Professor: If you're too happy, you're not going to progress in life.

Overheard on McCosh Walk:

Audacious prefrosh: Mom, Dad, stay far behind me so people think I'm a student.

Overheard in Frist:

Shy guy: I really like talking to you.
Less shy girl: That's great. That's really great. I don't care right now.

Overheard in Cuyler:

Tall guy: Is this rotting bag of clementines an aesthetic choice?

Overheard Freshman girl, on phone:

And there’s always someone with a 15-page study guide. There’s always someone better than you!

Overheard in ENG 305:

Professor of English: Is it possible for all of you to have phalluses?

Overheard on McCosh Walk:

Freshman, practicing writing seminar debate while walking, to self: There is the church (pause), but also the state.

Overheard in Wu:

Sophomore boy: My vomits were pretty clean last night.

Overheard in English class:

Professor to student: You have defeated Satan with logic.

Overheard in Frist:

Sorority biddy: Daddy it’s so hard to make connections here because 60% of people are on financial aid.

Overheard on Blackboard:

Freshman lass: I do not understand why Zola feels the need to make the misery of the Raquin’s into something negative. They are of lowly castes so if you deprive them of their misery, they have nothing. Having misery must be better than not having any, for god almighty endowed them with their misery.

Overheard on Princeton FML:

Princeton student: I’ve decided that it’s just not worth the pain. I’m throwing out my old, safe plan for life and trusting my future to the wind and my heart. MLWBDifficult, but MLWBMOwn.

Overheard in Los Angeles:

Kobe Bryant: When I’m out there being aggressive and doing my thing, [Pau Gasol] needs to follow suit and just be just as aggressive which is hard for him because it’s kind of against his nature. But I think tonight was a good step ... Even when he was in Memphis and he was the go-to guy, he was always very nice. Very white swan. I need him to be black swan.

Overheard in Murray Dodge:

Cookie Enthusiast: I think I would kill everyone here if it meant I would receive the freshest cookies.

Overheard in Firestone:

Freshman girl: Oh! A senior! I bet he’s hard at work on his essay right now!

Overheard in the U-Store:

Girl: I need, like, all of these treats for later.
Boy: You disgust me.

Overheard on Ivy email list:

Sophomore: Second, I would like to point out that someone actually poured a cup of urine on me.

Overheard in the Wa:

Bro: I can get all this candy?
Cashier: Yes.
Bro: For just this money?
Cashier: Yes.
Bro: Incredible.

Overheard on McCosh Walk:

Mother of prospective student: This would be a good place to meet a husband.
Girl: I know, it’s high on my list.

Overheard at Late Meal:

Argyle sweater: So you’re into quaaludes?

Overheard in Terrace:

Terran #1: Can I borrow your phone?
Terran #2: Naw dog my pants are too tight.

Overheard outside Frist:

Chinese tourist, in Chinese: Where are the tigers? Where is Einstein’s office? Where is the math department?

Overheard in HIS precept:

Student: I wanted to take this course because I saw that it covered [King] Louis Philippe and I want to better understand my familial background.

Overheard at Twist

Townie Girl 1: We're not Jewish but my parents are making me observe Passover. Like Obama. He's keeping kosher for Seder.
Townie Girl 2: Isn't he Muslim?
Townie Girl 3: Yeah.

Overheard in Foulke

Girl: And he was like, "You can put me on the guest list for Cottage," and I was like, "Dad, shut the fuck up, you didn't even go here."

Overheard outside 1879

Professor, on cellphone: Well, seeing as my range of e-friends is quite broad... [Pause.] Yeah, I wasn't sure you would get that, it's a list of my friends on the Internet.

Overheard on exposingtheloosechange.com

Without trucks america can't survive, everything you own was more than likely on a truck at one time.

Overheard on whitehousetapes.org

President Lyndon B. Johnson, of a pair of pants: Yeah. Now, another thing: the crotch, down where your nuts hang, is always a little too tight. So when you make them up, give me a inch that I can let out there, because they cut me. They're just like riding a wire fence. [...] See if you can't leave me about an inch from where the zipper [belches] ends around under my—back to my bunghole.

Overheard in Prospect Garden

Senior, melodramatically: I think I like to fetishize victimhood. [Pause.] That's why I was a vegan for like a week.

Overheard in Cafe Viv

Chef: Guess where you are?
Girl Scout, eagerly: Albert Einstein's funeral home!

Overheard outside Firestone

P-Safe Officer 1 to P-Safe Officer 2: Have you seen that movie Over My Dead Body with Paul Rudd?

Overheard in Barnegat, NJ

Librarian, teaching child about the Internet: I don't like Wikipedia because you can just go in and say, "This guy is purple!"

Overheard in ENG351

Professor: But, putting aside the question of whether Clinton is blacker than Obama...

Overheard walking into "Magic of Numbers" midterm

Bro: Yo, I brought my TI-89 but it's total overkill. It's like shooting a bird with a fucking RPG.

Overheard at the Apple Genius Bar

Genius: We could fix that for you, definitely. It will cost you an arm and a leg, if that matters to you.

Overheard in front of bank of urinals in Frist

Bro: What you need to do is, get someone who doesn't suck at singing and make yourself an acoustic version of the Robot Unicorn Attack Song.

Overheard near Whig-Clio

Drunk Bro: Dude, you don't understand how loud you are when you're drunk. It's like you've got caps lock on. Like, AHHH, WHERE THE FUCK IS MY COAT? WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?

Overheard in Chancellor Green Cafe

Professor, to student: I think your thesis is funny, because it's not as academically successful but it's more . . . useful.

Overheard in Rocky dining hall

Diner: The worst part about my cousin coming out of the closet was how long it took. She was talking to me for like five hours.

Overheard in Terrace

Member, in reference to Nassau Weekly stacks stored in the club: Let's get some wire from Home Depot, bind up the stacks and make some new lounge furniture out of them.

Overheard in GEO103

Student: I'm sick of earthquakes happening while I'm taking "Natural Disasters."

Overheard on Prospect Avenue

Guy: Damn it, she's got a dude with her.
Girl: That guy is gay.
Guy: Gay like homosexual, or gay like retarded?