Overheard at the Wawa
Senior Guy: Freshman girls used to be easy, but now they all, like, have boyfriends.
Junior Guy: Yeah, that's why I'm trying a new approach: I'm going after only pregnant women. Think about it--you KNOW those chicks put out. It's like sex evidence.
Girl #1: I know people who have never been to Twist.
Girl #2: Really?
Girl: [To friend] I hope she doesn't think this is, like, a lesbian booty call. I really just want the adderall.
Ivy Pi Phi: She was wearing that same dress from her birthday party.
Ivy Theta: Is that the night we almost got raped in the pizza parlor?
Ivy Pi Phi: Yes, and she gained like ten pounds.
Bro looking into mirror of Terrace bathroom: [To himself] "My hair looks fucking awesome!"
[someone vomits in the Mens room]
Junior: Now that's a sound I like!
Guy: I never accept friend requests from Asians.
Girl: Why?
Guy: Well, you know, if you give a mouse a cookie...
Guy: I never accept friend requests from Asians.
Girl: Why?
Guy: Well, you know, if you give a mouse a cookie...
Housewife: —because I’m the only person who tries to tell the truth like it is—
Husband (interrupting): Yes, but half the time you tell it wrong.
Male GS: If Jesus came back today, people would probably think he was a zombie and kill him.
Female Chinese GS: Why?
Obese woman: That’s right, I’ll be singing in the opera.
Patron: So... you’re an alto?
GS Instructor: What was she on? She looked really drunk.
Student 1: Coke, I think.
Student 2: No, you missed the first part of the conversation. She was reminiscing about being on coke.
GS: Well, was she drunk?
Student 2: Oh, and how.
Alum: We had pizza and stuff... There was no edamame when I was at Princeton! We should head out.
Alum’s Friend: Wait, but, we are ending up in a bar at the end of the tour, right?
Girl 1: Do you want to come to Twist?
Girl 2: Sure, I’m just gonna throw up first.
Sophomore: Socrates is my homeboy,
5-year-old: It's Barack Obama!
Mother: Honey, not every black man is Barack Obama. [To friend.] I guess I should expose her to more diversity.
This is your penis: 8--o
This is your penis on drugs: 8 =====O
Girl: Maybe I have horrible gay-dar because I'm from Texas and no one there wears skinny jeans.
Backward Cap: Well, what other job could make you at least half a mil?
Polo Shirt: A Princeton degree does a lot for you that way.
Cap (near despair): The value is decreasing now!
Shirt: You're right. A doctor, a lawyer... I'm not sure anymore.
Dear Friend,
I am Mr. Wong Tung Shun Peter Jp Non
Executive Director of the Hang Seng
Bank Ltd, Hong Kong. An Iraqi named
Haider Hanoon, a business man made a
numbered fixed deposit for 18 calendar
months, this is valued to Fourty Four
million Five Hundred Thousand United
State Dollars only in my branch. We
later found out that Haider Hanoon and
his family had been killed during the
war in Gunfire that hit their home at
Mukaradeeb where his personal oil well
was. I am prepared to place you as the
next of kin to share the money with you
in half But I first will need your help.
Friend 1: We should play squash sometime.
Friend 2: I haven’t played a sport in five years. I haven’t played a
sport that wasn’t ultimate frisbee in eight years.
Student 1: When I was studying the Language of Love under Daniel Heller-Roazen . . .
Student 2 (interrupting) : Were you studying the Language of Love, or were you studying him?
Student 3: I mean, how can you know the dancer from the dance?
Guy 1: Do you want to commit to a hate crime?
Confused kid: Wait . . . do I want to do what?
Guy 1 (louder): Do you want to commit a hate crime?
Confused kid (earnestly): Do I want to cut your hair?
Guy (awkwardly): Hi, [redacted].
Girl: I bet I don't want to know what's in that paper bag!
Guy: I packed a lunch! Just kidding, they're testing my pee. Why else would the bag be so warm?
Guy (awkwardly): Hi, [redacted].
Girl: I bet I don't want to know what's in that paper bag!
Guy: I packed a lunch! Just kidding, they're testing my pee. Why else would the bag be so warm?
Professor: What we need in this classroom is cocaine. Then we can do 4 projects at once. Surely its been done before in the history of this great University.
Terrace member, to fratty friend: So, are you still committed to going into
finance, even with the recession?
Fratty friend: I don’t know. What’s the other option?
Poverty simulation today. . . . Free lunch provided.
Guy, to friend, while Internet shopping: If I were a girl, I would definitely wear heels with those jeans.
[Pauses]
I just know this about myself.
Guy: What are you studying?
Girl: German.
Guy: Oh! I know some German. “Ich bin müde.”
Guy 2: “Das Boot!”
Guy 3: “Wolf Blitzer!”
English major: Am I high? I took the express train to Highville; upon arrival,
I was elected mayor.
Leggy Intellectual: I am so not an American; it's taken me a long time to relate to people like Neil Young.
Girl 1: At least you didn’t fall for a hobbit who left you for a cross-eyed girl.
Girl 2: Yeah, but I fell for a hobbit who left me for a man.
[pause]
I guess he didn’t really leave me.
New School Student 1: I’m black.
New School Student 2: Not really. You’re like Obama-black.
Female economics major: Are you going to work for an investment bank this summer?
Male economics major: I don't think so. Investment banking is okay, but my real passion is consulting.
Student running for USG office: (knocks on door)
Guy in room: (answering) Hello!
Student running for USG office: You are so great at hearing!
Kid (looking at a Pollock): It looks so good, I just wanna lick it up!
Girl 1: I just ate so many Wheat Thins, but I’m still hungry.
Girl 2: For what?
(Pause)
Girl 1: Retribution.
Guy 1: I think you have a coke problem.
Guy 2: I don’t have a coke problem. I have a masturbation problem. I went home last night, blew two and a half grams, and jerked off for ten hours.
Princeton Economics Professor Harvey Rosen: Capitalism without losses is like Christianity without Hell.
President George W. Bush: Harvey, stick to economics.
Toni Morrison: When we discuss homelessness, we rarely ask, “Why do we value the home?” What about people who have too much home? People who can’t leave home?
Theta ‘09: Watch out for those SAE pledges tonight, because you’re going to have to make out with all of them.
Theta ‘12: Oh, okay!!!
Frustrated Professor: Are you guys old enough to know when your life is completely meaningless?
Ivy Senior: What a great picture! We're all so beautiful!
Another Ivy Senior: No, you are so beautiful!
Original Ivy Senior: I know.
Ivy Member: I can't give you a hug because you're covered in Andre. If you were covered in something more expensive, maybe. But even then...
Gray-haired Flirt: I think it's really great that they have intermission.
Gray-haired Woman: I think it's time for you to find your wife outside.
Elderly Woman: I don't even understand all the fuss about Obama's race. I mean, he's not even that black.
Girl 1: I just wanna go to Terrace and smoke cigarettes and be gloomy.
Girl 2: That doesn't sound like a good idea. Let's go to Tower and be HAPPY!
Deflated I-banker: I would rather undergro ethnic cleansing than lose my offer.
[phat beats]
Earnest kid 1: And then...I saw that it had bacon on it!
Earnest kid 2, cringing: So what did you do?
Earnest kid 1: Couldn't do it. I just...couldn't do it.
Guy 1: Getting a pre-lab done for you is better than getting a blowjob.
Guy 2: Have you ever gotten a blowjob?
Guy 1: Yeah. I mean...yeah. Well, no.
Girl: Today, I stepped in human poop.
Senior SAE: I think Alan Blinder has Tourette's.
Junior Theta: Oh, really? Is he bickering? Because that would be hard to deal with.
Girl 1: (from a distance) Hey, wait for me!
Sophomore Theta: (fists raised) RAGE. RAGE, RAGE, RAGE.
Girl 1: (from a distance) Hey, wait for me!
Sophomore Theta: (fists raised) RAGE. RAGE, RAGE, RAGE.
Man: What nationality is Lupe? Is he black?
Polite sophomore: So how was your first Lawnparties?
Polite freshman: It was fun, but crowded. I was right there in the front.
Polite sophomore: Of which club?
Polite freshman: The one that was having it.
Rick Curtis: If you see lightning and hear thunder, get into the lightning safety position.
[squats]
RC: Coincidentally, this also happens to be my favorite troweling position.
Priviliged freshman girl (whispering to another): We're going into Trenton? I'm so scared.