Overheard in Rocky:

Sophomore Presbysterian: Do you like gentile women?
Freshman Jew: No. My Mom says they are just for practice.

Overheard outside 1915:

Boy: I voted for the cute girl, I don’t remember her name.

Overheard in Whitman:

Disgruntled sophomore, barging out of his room to address a group of chatting friends: Can you keep it down? I’m trying to have sex in here.

Overheard in between two bathroom stalls:

Horny Guy: I don’t like free porn sites. They always give me viruses.
Really Horny Guy: That’s why you have to go on your iPhone. They never get viruses. Plus they are more discreet in public places.

Overheard in Rocky dining hall:

Freshman boy: Shit, I just almost dropped my fork in the Food bin.
Sophomore boy: Dawg, I do that all the time. I’m like fuck it, though. Pigs can die.

Overheard in Studio 34:

Sorority girl: I don’t know how she does it. She has a boyfriend and she doesn’t drink. Why is she in a sorority?

Overheard over break:

Freshman, to TI alumnus: Sure, TI’s great. I’ve been there.
TI alumnus’s wife: Oh no honey, you should join Ivy. All of his nice friends are from Ivy.

Overheard in Wu:

Pi Phi freshman: Being in a sorority is like having Halloween every week.

Overheard in GSS 201:

Professor: I was going to have papers for you, but they’re in New York, along with my car keys and, more tragically, my lunch.

Overheard in Wu:

Melancholic bro: Dude, football makes me so sad.

Overheard in McCosh:

P-Safe officer, motioning to extremely drunk boy: Kid tried to steal the Christmas tree from the U-Store, but he forgot to unplug it.

Overheard at Ivy:

Ivy senior: In no context is the taco salad socially acceptable.

Overheard in Frist:

Sophomore Pi Phi 1: Do I get this sushi?
Sophomore Pi Phi 2: They never have Hawaiian rolls, but do now. So do it!
Pi Phi 1: But formals are so soon and I don’t want to wear Spanx this year.
Pi Phi 2: What’s so bad about sushi?
Pi Phi 1: Rice is a carb!
Pi Phi 2: Fuck.

Overheard in Butler Basement:

Boy: I don’t like to snowboard and act like I’m black. I like to ski and be white.

Overheard in Wu:

Toolish COS major: I’m gonna go upstairs and study in Jane Street Library. I mean, J Street.

Overheard outside Studio 34:

Bro among bros: I can’t wear backwards hats. Some people just have the face for it... I just have a long face. I can do cowboy hats, though. I have a cowboy face.

Overheard on Theta email list:

Thetas: Be opened minded.

Overheard at Occupy Princeton:

Protestor: Does anybody know how to work a computer?

Overheard in Bendheim:

(Discussing what English names to adopt) Chinese grad student 1: I can’t decide between Lucretia or Titania.
Chinese grad student 2: Go with one that would be good for your resume.

Overheard on Broadway Trip:

Girl, after prop auction: Do you know how many massages I could buy with $3,500?

Overheard in my room:

Nass editor’s roommate: If I had an English accent, I’d be capable of absolute devastation.

Overheard in T12 Patton:

Guy: Putting a case on your iPhone is like putting a burqa on your girlfriend.

Overheard in Charter bathroom:

Drunk girl 1: He wants your body.
Drunk girl 2, mournfully: No, it’s much worse! He wants my personality!

Overheard in Frist:

Fratstar, to other fratstar: Do you know me? If there is any way I can pay someone to fight my fights for me I’m going to do it.

Overheard on Pi Phi email list:

Fearless leader: The vodka,, gicwe to me and ti is yoursss

Overheard in Frist:

Bro, gravely: I’m probably not gonna get into Ivy when I bicker.
Other bro: What, yes you are!
Bro: Yeah I’m just fucking.

Overheard on Twitter:

CWR prof Colson Whitehead: I live two blocks from where I’m reading tonight. I can finish talking and totally be spankin’ it five minutes later. #metrics

Overheard at SAE pregame:

[Pi Phi pledge reads aloud Campus Safety Alert about the campus masturbator] Other Pi Phi pledge: Well ... do you think he was hot?

Overheard at SAE Pregame:

SAE pledge, to other SAE pledge, sheepishly: Yo, I don’t mean this in a gay way, but if anal sex is like backwards pooping, that sounds kind of awesome.

Overheard in Ivy:

Ivy senior, rolling an Ivy pass into a cigarette filter: This is like the social equivalent of burning a $100 bill.

Overheard in Holder Basement:

Sophomore boy: I know that word from Civ IV.

Overheard in Terrace:

Terrace girl: I got really mad the other day about the Orange and Black Ball.
Terrace guy: Why?
Terrace girl: It’s super heteronormative. The advertising is all, “Get your hetero date.”
Terrace guy: ... Is it?

Overheard in MOL 101:

Professor: I don’t know how much you guys who are taking this class for a grade care about cancer--but you old auditors in the back probably do!

Overheard in study area:

Guy 1: Some guy in my physics class got a 93 on the midterm.
Guy 2: Is he Asian?
Guy 1: No, he’s just a normal-looking kid.

Overheard in Pi Phi Pledge's inbox:

Elder Pi Phi: Really important pledge task!! [Redacted] and I need two girls to wax our barbours

Overheard in Pyne:

Muggle 1: But I wouldn’t want to have powers all the time, right?
Muggle 2: Yeah!
Muggle 1: Because then people would, like, ask me to help them.

Overheard in Spelman:

Guy 1: My AAS preceptor is from Trinidad and—
Guy 2: What does he know about being African-American?

Overheard in Cottage Library:

Girl: I don’t read books.

Overheard in Whitman:

Girl: He smells like Cheetos 100% of the time and is really hairy and sweats in cold air. We went on a date, and he ate like six cannolis.

Overheard near Fine Hall:

Amateur political theorist: It’s a triumph of the will every time I cross Washington Road.

Overheard in Ivy bathroom:

Girl 1: I haven’t been in this stall since pickups last year when I was making out with a sophomore boy.
Girl 2: That happens to us all.

Overheard in Butler basement:

Facebook-stalking girl: Now [redacted]’s statuses aren’t even in English...
Friend: Are they in Asian?

OVerheard in Marquand:

Grad student: I don’t get why no hot undergraduate twinks have hit on me. I thought twinks love daddies.

Overheard in Wu

Pi Phi frosh, the morning after Bid Night: I think it’s okay that I made out with an ugly guy, I mean, it could have been a lot worse. I could’ve lost my shirt, or my dignity.

Overheard in Tower:

Tall guy: would you rather have a 100-pound scrotum or a ten-foot asshole?

Overheard outside Whitman:

Girl 1: How many staff members does your home in the Dominican Republic have?
Girl 2: Eight.
Girl 1: What!? We only have a seasonal maid in Nantucket!
Girl 2: Yeah. Third-world labor is so great.

Overheard at Chase Bank:

Tower member: Yeah, I’m trying to make a payment for club membership. The club is pretty exclusive, fancy and expensive. I need a check for a pretty large sum to pay for it.

Overheard in Whitman:

Freshman: I was like, so happy, that this 17-year-old axed his grandpa’s head off. Like, don’t get me wrong, it’s
like super-sad, but it’s the perfect example for my freshman seminar presentation.

Overheard at College Night

Freshman boy: Think of crying kids, it will make your expression sexier.

Overheard at Bid Night:

Guy: Just wait until she blacks out, bro.

Overheard outside Brown:

Bike bro #1: No, like, it's actually part of my life plan to win the lottery.
Bike bro #2: Have you ever bought a lottery ticket?
Bike bro #1: No, but I'm going to buy three, and one of them is going to be the winner.

Overheard in Common Room:

Freshman: Where are you from?
Woody Woo Junior: Pakistan.
Freshman: Oh, is that in India?

Overheard in Whitman:

Intime Sophomore, pointing at guy wearing Oakland A’s hat: Why do A’s members have to flaunt that they’re in A’s?

Overheard in Frist:

Girl in boots: My passion is man-aging natural disasters, you know, like Katrina. I hope I can one day become the head of FEMA; that’s my dream.

Overheard in PHI lecture:

Professor, walking toward door: I’m about to say stupid stuff, so I have to make sure the door is closed.

Overheard on Nassau Street:

Girl: I want to get a summer house there, but just for the regatta.

Overheard near Nunokawa:

Professor Nunokawa: What if I did die. Wouldn’t that be terrible. There would be a memorial service. Shirley would speak.

Overheard in Art History:

Freshman: irregardless of pronunciation motifs of delineation and irregardless of how it activates senses it evokes provocative thoughts of malignant growths

Overheard at Columbia game:

Boy, while Columbia band was playing: It sounds like zits popping.

Overheard in Little:

Kappa junior: Let’s be honest, Kappa is the Hufflepuff of sororities.

Overheard in Patton:

Jewish kid: She looked like she was punched in the face ... by a beehive.

Overheard on McCosh Walk:

Girl: I was watching the movie and I recognized some of the dancers.
Guy: What movie?
Girl:We had to watch an 80-minute movie on the origins of krumping.

Overheard on the Street:

Sophomore Pi Phi, walking to rush: I cannot smile for three hours right now.

Overheard on McCosh Walk:

Prince staffer, to Nass editor-in-chief: Do you want to be managing editor of the Prince?

Overheard in Ivy bathroom:

Stout bro, bitching about music: Anybody who plays two Avicii songs in a row deserves to eat my butthole dry.

Overheard in Firestone:

Checkout girl, smiling, looking pretty: Are you a senior?
Senior male: Yeah.
Checkout girl, smiling, looking pretty: Are you sad?

Overheard in Whitman D-Hall:

[Athlete walks by]
Asian freshman girl: He’s wearing an Ivy Club Sweatshirt! He just got so much dreamier! I told you he’d be in a good club!
[3 minutes later]
Which sorority do you think sleeps with the hottest guys?

Overheard at Ivy:

Andy Martens: Blackberries are like girls’ horcruxes.

Overheard in Frist:

Sophomore sorority girl: Is the financial crisis even a real thing? Like I feel like no one has really been affected ...

Overheard on the Street:

Freshman girl 1: What if that car just ran over us right now?
Freshman girl 2: That’d be so Regina George.

Overheard outside Studio 34:

COS major: I mean, the only thing you could really do is analyze her facial structure.

Overheard in Patton:

Senior audiophile: What happens when you keep blasting subs is that they get really floppy like a vagina.

Overheard at activities fair:

Desperate club president: Would you like to learn how to pick up girls?

Overheard on Reddit:

Internet person: I would drag my dick through a mile of brokenglass just to hear her fart through a walkie-talkie.

Overheard outside of Wilson:

Frat boy with Solo cup: Hey, should we offer these freshmen
some of our scotch?
Frat boy without Solo cup: Hey freshmen! Want some scotch?

Overheard in Whitman:

Kappa junior: I watch YouTube videos of passionate, erotic kisses. It makes me happy when I am sad.

Overheard in Whitman:

Australian girl trying to name American states: Montenegro...? Tahiti...? Chicago...?

Overheard in Orgo:

Prof. Semmelhack: If you have a long sausage interacting with another long sausage, it will be a stronger attraction.

Overheard in Dining Hall:

Sophomore Pi Phi, to frosh: I love your skirt! Have you thought of rush? You have a look I think is appropriate.

Overheard in Tower:

Tower junior: Only the less fortunate would iron their dress shirts. You’re supposed to dry clean them.

Overheard at Study Break:

Boy, to friends: I think I’m going to need to break it off with this girl. I don’t think I can handle a long- distance relationship.
Friend: Dude, she lives in Forbes.

Overheard on Mass Text:

Boy taking Jello shots: Agghhh jelly clarksin

Overheard at New Frick:

Boy: I’m going to McCosh to have my cast removed later!
Girl: They have an orthopedist there?
Boy: No, but they have a saw.

Overheard by Prospect Garden:

Father, to small child: Son, the key is to study hard. If you don’t do that you’ll end up at Rutgers, and Mommy and Daddy won’t be proud of you.

Overheard in ECO lecture:

Kappa freshman, to Kappa queen bee: Have you been using that new African mango acai supplement? I’m jeal of your rib bones.

Overheard in Cafe Viv:

Asian girl 1, sheepishly: So yeah, I’m in Woody Woo.
Asian girl 2: Oh, okay.
Asian girl 1, defensively: Yeah, everyone is in the department is really intense. [Pauses] I only applied because my roommate applied and she wanted emotional support.

Overheard in Witherspoon Cafe:

Beta bro: [Girl’s name] just stares at me and ignores me whenever I see her at Cottage ... like I jizzed on her eye sockets or some shit.

Overheard at Ivy:

Sophomore Phi Kap: Dude, I’m a Cap member now. I’m above going to Cap, I only go to TI and Ivy.

Overheard in Whitman:

Tower kid: Is that school even legitimate? $300 million endowment? What a joke.

Overheard outside art museum:

Prefrosh 1, bewildered: Wait, how did you get waitlisted at WashU?
Prefrosh 2: I know, right?
Prefrosh 3: Well, I got rejected at Cornell, Penn, and Dartmouth!

Overheard near drunk people:

Drunk girl: So what are you? Are you, like, a player?
Guy: No, I’m not a player. I get that some guys are players and you’re afraid of getting hurt. But that's not me.

Overheard at Wong-Fu Productions meet and greet:

Boy: I wish I was a girl so I could kiss them.

Overheard in Frist:

[Cottage girl is playing the Amalie theme on the Frist piano]
TI girl: What was that, it was so pretty!
Cottage girl: Oh, that’s the theme from Amalie.
TI girl: Oh, I love Mexican music!

Overheard at dinner:

Post-thesis senior 1: Hey, what are you up to?
Post-thesis senior 2: Not much, I am just drawing and filling in lots of tiny bubbles.

Overheard in a presentation by an eminent arts journalist:

Asian prefrosh, raising hand: Um hi, so I am really thirsty. Where is the water fountain?
[Twenty minutes later...]
Same prefrosh, raising hand: So I really have to pee. Where is the nearest bathroom?

Overheard in a study room:

Pretty African-American girl, to white friend: I am never going to age because I am blacker than you.

Overheard in 2D Co-op:

Tofu chef: I want a parrot that's really short so I can raise it and harvest its brain.

Overheard near girls:

Girl 1, to Girl 2: [Guy's name] is super smart. I want my kids to be his kids, but I don't want to have kids with him.

Overheard in Whitman Library:

Sophomore Pi Phi 1: I wish the haters would stop hating.
Sophomore Pi Phi 2: Yeah, isn't the Pi Phi average GPA like a 3.5?
Sophomore Pi Phi 1: Yeah. We're totally smarter than all those Colonial haters.

Overheard in Nass office:

Editor-in-chief, to other editor-in-chief: Which of these sundresses do you like?

Overheard on McCosh Walk:

Blonde impassioned girl: My life story is more harrowing than Transformers, more life-affirming than The Pianist, and faster than a speeding bullet train...

Overheard in WWS 320:

Professor: If you're too happy, you're not going to progress in life.

Overheard on McCosh Walk:

Audacious prefrosh: Mom, Dad, stay far behind me so people think I'm a student.

Overheard in Frist:

Shy guy: I really like talking to you.
Less shy girl: That's great. That's really great. I don't care right now.

Overheard in Cuyler:

Tall guy: Is this rotting bag of clementines an aesthetic choice?

Overheard Freshman girl, on phone:

And there’s always someone with a 15-page study guide. There’s always someone better than you!

Overheard in ENG 305:

Professor of English: Is it possible for all of you to have phalluses?

Overheard on McCosh Walk:

Freshman, practicing writing seminar debate while walking, to self: There is the church (pause), but also the state.

Overheard in Wu:

Sophomore boy: My vomits were pretty clean last night.

Overheard in English class:

Professor to student: You have defeated Satan with logic.

Overheard in Frist:

Sorority biddy: Daddy it’s so hard to make connections here because 60% of people are on financial aid.

Overheard on Blackboard:

Freshman lass: I do not understand why Zola feels the need to make the misery of the Raquin’s into something negative. They are of lowly castes so if you deprive them of their misery, they have nothing. Having misery must be better than not having any, for god almighty endowed them with their misery.

Overheard on Princeton FML:

Princeton student: I’ve decided that it’s just not worth the pain. I’m throwing out my old, safe plan for life and trusting my future to the wind and my heart. MLWBDifficult, but MLWBMOwn.

Overheard in Los Angeles:

Kobe Bryant: When I’m out there being aggressive and doing my thing, [Pau Gasol] needs to follow suit and just be just as aggressive which is hard for him because it’s kind of against his nature. But I think tonight was a good step ... Even when he was in Memphis and he was the go-to guy, he was always very nice. Very white swan. I need him to be black swan.