Overheard on AIM
Guy: today i peed beside kofi anan
Professor, to student: I think your thesis is funny, because it's not as academically successful but it's more . . . useful.
Diner: The worst part about my cousin coming out of the closet was how long it took. She was talking to me for like five hours.
Member, in reference to Nassau Weekly stacks stored in the club: Let's get some wire from Home Depot, bind up the stacks and make some new lounge furniture out of them.
Student: I'm sick of earthquakes happening while I'm taking "Natural Disasters."
Guy: Damn it, she's got a dude with her.
Girl: That guy is gay.
Guy: Gay like homosexual, or gay like retarded?
Music Nerd: Ugh, my favorite classical music blog hasn't been updated since December.
Cutesy Girl: I know, my favorite notebook slash stationary blog hasn't been updated in over a year!
Big Dude, to Girl: Well, I don't like fairies, but I do like castles a lot.
Girl 1: There is so much snow, this is incredible!
Girl 2: Yeah. I haven't seen snow like this before.
Girl 1: So why aren't you acting excited? Isn't it awesome??
Girl 2: Because I'm even-keeled and I don't get excited about anything.
Student 1: Do you know where our lab is?
Student 2: Just go where that dragon is looking. I mean that dinosaur.
GIrl: . . . but you can't even see them!
Guy, slurring: I'm sorry, I can't help it. When I'm drunk . . . your boobs. . . . They're too much.
Boy: I don't go any more ethnic than French.
Tech Guy: The professor has been injured so class has been cancelled.
Student, getting up: Cool!
Blacked-out girl: But why hasn't he called??
Member: I don't know who you are.
Professor: The earthquake in Haiti was the deadliest natural disaster ever to occur in the Western hemisphere. (Pause) I suppose that's excluding European colonization.
Group: (hysterical laughter for 30 seconds)
Girl: Wasn't that a great pun?
Girl #1: I know people who have never been to Twist.
Girl #2: Really?
Girl: [To friend] I hope she doesn't think this is, like, a lesbian booty call. I really just want the adderall.
Ivy Pi Phi: She was wearing that same dress from her birthday party.
Ivy Theta: Is that the night we almost got raped in the pizza parlor?
Ivy Pi Phi: Yes, and she gained like ten pounds.
Bro looking into mirror of Terrace bathroom: [To himself] "My hair looks fucking awesome!"
[someone vomits in the Mens room]
Junior: Now that's a sound I like!
Guy: I never accept friend requests from Asians.
Girl: Why?
Guy: Well, you know, if you give a mouse a cookie...
Guy: I never accept friend requests from Asians.
Girl: Why?
Guy: Well, you know, if you give a mouse a cookie...
Housewife: —because I’m the only person who tries to tell the truth like it is—
Husband (interrupting): Yes, but half the time you tell it wrong.
Male GS: If Jesus came back today, people would probably think he was a zombie and kill him.
Female Chinese GS: Why?
Obese woman: That’s right, I’ll be singing in the opera.
Patron: So... you’re an alto?
GS Instructor: What was she on? She looked really drunk.
Student 1: Coke, I think.
Student 2: No, you missed the first part of the conversation. She was reminiscing about being on coke.
GS: Well, was she drunk?
Student 2: Oh, and how.
Alum: We had pizza and stuff... There was no edamame when I was at Princeton! We should head out.
Alum’s Friend: Wait, but, we are ending up in a bar at the end of the tour, right?
Girl 1: Do you want to come to Twist?
Girl 2: Sure, I’m just gonna throw up first.
Sophomore: Socrates is my homeboy,
5-year-old: It's Barack Obama!
Mother: Honey, not every black man is Barack Obama. [To friend.] I guess I should expose her to more diversity.
This is your penis: 8--o
This is your penis on drugs: 8 =====O
Girl: Maybe I have horrible gay-dar because I'm from Texas and no one there wears skinny jeans.
Backward Cap: Well, what other job could make you at least half a mil?
Polo Shirt: A Princeton degree does a lot for you that way.
Cap (near despair): The value is decreasing now!
Shirt: You're right. A doctor, a lawyer... I'm not sure anymore.
Dear Friend,
I am Mr. Wong Tung Shun Peter Jp Non
Executive Director of the Hang Seng
Bank Ltd, Hong Kong. An Iraqi named
Haider Hanoon, a business man made a
numbered fixed deposit for 18 calendar
months, this is valued to Fourty Four
million Five Hundred Thousand United
State Dollars only in my branch. We
later found out that Haider Hanoon and
his family had been killed during the
war in Gunfire that hit their home at
Mukaradeeb where his personal oil well
was. I am prepared to place you as the
next of kin to share the money with you
in half But I first will need your help.
Friend 1: We should play squash sometime.
Friend 2: I haven’t played a sport in five years. I haven’t played a
sport that wasn’t ultimate frisbee in eight years.
Student 1: When I was studying the Language of Love under Daniel Heller-Roazen . . .
Student 2 (interrupting) : Were you studying the Language of Love, or were you studying him?
Student 3: I mean, how can you know the dancer from the dance?
Guy 1: Do you want to commit to a hate crime?
Confused kid: Wait . . . do I want to do what?
Guy 1 (louder): Do you want to commit a hate crime?
Confused kid (earnestly): Do I want to cut your hair?
Guy (awkwardly): Hi, [redacted].
Girl: I bet I don't want to know what's in that paper bag!
Guy: I packed a lunch! Just kidding, they're testing my pee. Why else would the bag be so warm?
Guy (awkwardly): Hi, [redacted].
Girl: I bet I don't want to know what's in that paper bag!
Guy: I packed a lunch! Just kidding, they're testing my pee. Why else would the bag be so warm?
Professor: What we need in this classroom is cocaine. Then we can do 4 projects at once. Surely its been done before in the history of this great University.
Terrace member, to fratty friend: So, are you still committed to going into
finance, even with the recession?
Fratty friend: I don’t know. What’s the other option?
Poverty simulation today. . . . Free lunch provided.
Guy, to friend, while Internet shopping: If I were a girl, I would definitely wear heels with those jeans.
[Pauses]
I just know this about myself.
Guy: What are you studying?
Girl: German.
Guy: Oh! I know some German. “Ich bin müde.”
Guy 2: “Das Boot!”
Guy 3: “Wolf Blitzer!”
English major: Am I high? I took the express train to Highville; upon arrival,
I was elected mayor.