Overheard in Frist during midterms

Girl 1: What was his name again?
Girl 2: Stalin

Overheard in Cafe Viv

Sophomore Pi Phi: Ew. Don’t go with him to formals.
Freshman Pi Phi: Why?
Sophomore Pi Phi: His coloration clashes with your skin tone.

Overheard in the Frist TV Lounge

Bro: Yo bro I always get Ghana mixed up with Uganda. But I always remember that Ghana has those hugeass falls.

Overheard in precept

Diligent sophomore: Let’s say you’re the most disciplined person in the world and other people aren’t.

Overheard on page 3 of the Daily Princetonian

Classified ads: “Spanish, Basque, or Spanish/Filipino Egg Donor Needed...”

Overheard in Frist

Procrastinating Senior: I’m not creepy. I’m just a stalker. There’s a difference.

Overheard in precept

Professor: You can’t say that. You can’t say that. Oh wait, you’re paying tuition, you can say that.

Overheard in The Cloisters

Young philosopher: I mean your soul in the metaphysical sense, not like the black music.

Overheard on MatheyMail

Alex: I just broke my phone, of anyone has an extra AT&T blackberry or any other phone it would be greatly appreciated. I’ll pay for it if need be.

Thanks!
Alex

Sent from my iPhone

Overheard at Terrace

Nostalgic Anglo: I love this song! My au-pair used to play it all the time.

Overheard at Cannon

Pi Phi Junior: I want the drawing room in my country home to look like this.

Overheard at the CJL

One Theta sister to another: Oh my God, I just want to go to sleep and wake up brown.

Overheard at Terrace

Girl talking about ecstasy: I would be careful about that stuff...
Guy, shrugging: So I die...

Overheard outside Little

Sunglasses douche: Have you ever been in a class where you’re that guy who knows everything and everyone else seems like an idiot?

Overheard at Ivy

Drunk person: You should never ask for a blowjob. That’s like asking for a thousand dollar Christmas present.

Overheard at Terrace

Student using Siri: I want a joke about the Holocaust.

Overheard in Whitman

Sensitive lineman: You’re not funny, you’re hurtful sometimes...

Overheard at Ivy

Moron: She’s not a Theta, so socially she’s pretty much a nobody.

Overheard in Campus Club

Rhodes Scholar: Both the black Rafaels I know are black.

Overheard at Terrace

Bearded dude: I got strep throat from a long line of dicks.

Overheard on Google Maps

Disenchanted reviewer: Princeton is full of snobs! Besides the architecture of the school, the town has only 2 blocks worth seeing. The hospital is nothing like the TV show House, and no he does not work there! 4 blocks off the college is where the illegal immigrants gather and wait for day work. I was extremely disappointed in Princeton. I imagined a European type university village centered on a school with great prestige! Yeah, NO! not even close.

Overheard on spring break

Miami Beach denizen: The sequins on my bathing suit are rubbing against my crotch.

Overheard at night

P-Safe officer, exiting car, to other P-Safe officer (in a different car): What’s up mofo?

Overheard at dinner

Ivy junior: Why is the ALTA committee all Jews?
Ivy bro: It was originally going to be the Ashkenazi Life Total Assessment.

Overheard in Whitman d-hall

Dining services worker, on child discipline: You can’t have it both ways. Either you gon’ punish her or you gon’ whoop her.

Overheard outside Whit Lib

Sad guy: even if I don’t talk to anyone in the dining hall it’s still nice to remember that people exist

Overheard at men's volleyball game

Basketball player: I don’t care what happens the rest of the game as long as that line girl takes the next one in the face.

Overheard on the Street

Drunk girl: I worked from 10-5.
Drunk dude spitting incoherent game: Better than 10-8.

Overheard outside Nassau Hall

Earnest Asian boy: I don’t have to be making 6 figures at age 22 ... right?

Overheard on Twitter

Pi Phi freshman: Please don’t invite me to Charter events on Facebook. Or over text. Or in person. Or just at all.

Overheard at the CJL

Brunette person: I’m working in Frist on Wednesday night and there are people coming back from the Street--blonde people.

Overheard in Foulke

German aesthete: The army’s just a big frat.

Overheard in froshland

Theta frosh: I’m literally gonna look like a hot-ass bitch tonight.

Overheard in a hopeless place

Guy working: I think that I don’t even consider the effect of peer pressure anymore, I mean if someone came in and offered me heroin, I’d just do it. Well maybe not heroin, but coke.
Another tired guy working: (whispering softly) I’d do heroin ...

Overheard in Spelman

Upbeat girl with cocktail: Do you want to watch Grey’s Anatomy?
Weary boy: I’d rather shit in my own mouth.

Overheard in Frist

Girl: I don’t care about mental health week. I’m too stressed out for that shit.

Overheard at Old Nassoul arch

Inebriated Indian: I love this song. I wanna jizz on this song.

Overheard at pregame

AEPi freshman, to Theta freshman: Hi, I'm [redacted]. You look like a superhero.

Overheard in Robertson

Frat bro: Do you have to be debilitatingly poor to make cookies in Murray Dodge?

Overheard in Butler basement

Freshman boy 1: Now that I’m cool with the Jewish community at Princeton I need to get in with the blacks.
Freshman boy 2: Yeah, you could be like, “Happy Purim, what’s happening Mordecai my dude?” And be good with everyone.

Overheard outside Dillon

Triumphant bros: That was a GREAT game of handball. We really put it together as a team.

Overheard walking to dorm

Guy: So ... uncircumcised penises are like turtlenecks...
Girl: So do you have a turtleneck or um, a t-shirt?

Overheard outside the Colony

One colony bro, to another, while constructing some sort of sculpture of bamboo rods:
Dude, they’re totally gonna jizz when they see this.

Overheard on the stretching mats in Dillon Gym

Sorority girl on the phone: I don’t know, Dad. All I’ve eaten today are a couple of breathmints.

Overheard in my inbox

nasslit@princeton.edu: Thank you for your submission to the Nassau Literary Review. Unfortunately, “Dicks” was not selected for publication in this issue.

Overheard in Rocky-Mathey dining hall

Prince news editor: Did you see the Nassau Weekly? They put our email in Verbatim.

Overheard outside Little

Boy, petulantly: If you go to college, you’re not a redneck anymore!

Overheard in McCosh

Dumb girl: This room is hot. Like hot yoga hot.

Overheard in CHM 202

Professor: This theory is fundamentally wrong, but it works beautifully.
Student: That’s how I feel about Kanye West.

Overheard on fanfiction.net

“Cindra”: Fred and George had reinvented their own version of the snitch, after seeing something similar in the muggle Harry Potter video games.

Overheard in a Nass writer's inbox

Hi Shayla--

I’m the News Editor at the Prince and we read some material you wrote for the Nass and were impressed. We like you to think about joining News staff this semester and reaching an even wider audience.
News is holding its open houses at 7 PM next Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday night in our offices at 48 University Place. We’ll tell you about the application process for joining the section and be around to answer the questions.

I hope to see you there,
Teddy

Overheard in CHM 202

Professor: Let me destroy your intellectual universe.

Overheard on Facebook chat

Prospective student: i heard to get into places like ‘tower’ you have to be rich white and attractive

Overheard at Cannon

Drunk guy: You’re too pretty to be a slut!
Less drunk girl: Your logic is flawed.

Overheard outside of Wawa

Drunk swimmer: I went to all the eating clubs tonight: Cloister, Ivy, Charter, Cannon, Cottage, Frist, TI, Cap ...

Overheard in our storied past

Alexander Hamilton (on what it would be like if Thomas Jefferson became president):
Murder, robbery, rape, adultery, and incest will be openly taught and practiced, the air will be rent with the cries of the distressed, the soil will be soaked with blood, and the nation black with crimes.

Overheard at Internship Fair

Recruiter: You're a grad student? For our trading position, we don't really want grad students ...We've found that they are too academic and ...awkward.
Grad student: But I'm a first year grad student! And I was an athlete! And I was in cottage!

Overheard on the phone

Mom: So Noah wants to go to Mali--is Mali not war-torn, it’s just poor?

Overheard in Rocky

TI-bickering girl: I just keep smelling cat food, everywhere.

Overheard in Whitman

Freshman Theta, dressing for party: If I wear two different socks would that be nerdy?

Overheard on Facebook chat

Sleepless Ivy member:
i jerked off
and was watching wonder years
nothing worked
ativan is better

Overheard in Cafe Viv

Freshman Girl:
I really don't like militant black people. Why can't all black people be like the girls we hang out with, and wear JCrew instead of Baby Phat?

Overheard in Mathey

Princeton Student:
Billy Joel tried to get into my yacht club, but he got turned down the first time.

Overheard on the Street

Upper East Sider, talking about his jeans:
I only own one pair of sevens.

Overheard at Ivy

Bro, to guy creating playlist: Hey, could you play a little more Top 40?

Overheard in Frist

Guy 1: Maybe I should die tomorrow.
Guy 2: Listen, we're still recovering from Whitney.

Overheard in Terrace

Callous Terrace senior: I'm more interested in New York than autism.

Overheard at Ivy

RCA, to zees: I just ravage girls.

Overheard in Wu

Bro: Wanna come to Zumba with me on Friday?

Overheard at Cannon

Offensive Lineman: I'm not drunk! I'm just loose like a spaghetti noodle, son!

Overheard at TI semiformal

Drunk water polo guy: I wanna suck on candy canes and do some fucking narcotics.

Overheard in Spelman

Weight-conscious guy: [pointing at manboobs] Do you think that I could get tittyfucked?

Overheard in Frist

Girl, working on group project: You know what, this is the last day in my life I am ever going to interact with you, so let’s just get this over with so we can never see each other again.

Overheard in Frist

Asian girl, to black girl: I think that’s the blackest thing anyone’s ever said to me.

Overheard on NJ Transit

Sophomore Pi Phi 1: Hey, [name redacted], are your extensions made of human hair?
Sophomore Pi Phi 2: Yeah, it comes from India. They think they’re donating to God but really they’re just donating to Princess [name redacted].

Overheard at Ivy

Ivy senior: I need to be wearing $10,000 at all times.

Overheard in Whitman D-hall

Very large football player: This is a good apple. I usually don’t like apples unless my mom cuts ‘em up for me.

Overheard in Rocky:

Sophomore Presbysterian: Do you like gentile women?
Freshman Jew: No. My Mom says they are just for practice.

Overheard outside 1915:

Boy: I voted for the cute girl, I don’t remember her name.

Overheard in Whitman:

Disgruntled sophomore, barging out of his room to address a group of chatting friends: Can you keep it down? I’m trying to have sex in here.

Overheard in between two bathroom stalls:

Horny Guy: I don’t like free porn sites. They always give me viruses.
Really Horny Guy: That’s why you have to go on your iPhone. They never get viruses. Plus they are more discreet in public places.

Overheard in Rocky dining hall:

Freshman boy: Shit, I just almost dropped my fork in the Food bin.
Sophomore boy: Dawg, I do that all the time. I’m like fuck it, though. Pigs can die.

Overheard in Studio 34:

Sorority girl: I don’t know how she does it. She has a boyfriend and she doesn’t drink. Why is she in a sorority?

Overheard over break:

Freshman, to TI alumnus: Sure, TI’s great. I’ve been there.
TI alumnus’s wife: Oh no honey, you should join Ivy. All of his nice friends are from Ivy.

Overheard in Wu:

Pi Phi freshman: Being in a sorority is like having Halloween every week.

Overheard in GSS 201:

Professor: I was going to have papers for you, but they’re in New York, along with my car keys and, more tragically, my lunch.

Overheard in Wu:

Melancholic bro: Dude, football makes me so sad.

Overheard in McCosh:

P-Safe officer, motioning to extremely drunk boy: Kid tried to steal the Christmas tree from the U-Store, but he forgot to unplug it.

Overheard at Ivy:

Ivy senior: In no context is the taco salad socially acceptable.

Overheard in Frist:

Sophomore Pi Phi 1: Do I get this sushi?
Sophomore Pi Phi 2: They never have Hawaiian rolls, but do now. So do it!
Pi Phi 1: But formals are so soon and I don’t want to wear Spanx this year.
Pi Phi 2: What’s so bad about sushi?
Pi Phi 1: Rice is a carb!
Pi Phi 2: Fuck.

Overheard in Butler Basement:

Boy: I don’t like to snowboard and act like I’m black. I like to ski and be white.

Overheard in Wu:

Toolish COS major: I’m gonna go upstairs and study in Jane Street Library. I mean, J Street.

Overheard outside Studio 34:

Bro among bros: I can’t wear backwards hats. Some people just have the face for it... I just have a long face. I can do cowboy hats, though. I have a cowboy face.

Overheard on Theta email list:

Thetas: Be opened minded.

Overheard at Occupy Princeton:

Protestor: Does anybody know how to work a computer?

Overheard in Bendheim:

(Discussing what English names to adopt) Chinese grad student 1: I can’t decide between Lucretia or Titania.
Chinese grad student 2: Go with one that would be good for your resume.

Overheard on Broadway Trip:

Girl, after prop auction: Do you know how many massages I could buy with $3,500?

Overheard in my room:

Nass editor’s roommate: If I had an English accent, I’d be capable of absolute devastation.

Overheard in T12 Patton:

Guy: Putting a case on your iPhone is like putting a burqa on your girlfriend.

Overheard in Charter bathroom:

Drunk girl 1: He wants your body.
Drunk girl 2, mournfully: No, it’s much worse! He wants my personality!

Overheard in Frist:

Fratstar, to other fratstar: Do you know me? If there is any way I can pay someone to fight my fights for me I’m going to do it.

Overheard on Pi Phi email list:

Fearless leader: The vodka,, gicwe to me and ti is yoursss

Overheard in Frist:

Bro, gravely: I’m probably not gonna get into Ivy when I bicker.
Other bro: What, yes you are!
Bro: Yeah I’m just fucking.

Overheard on Twitter:

CWR prof Colson Whitehead: I live two blocks from where I’m reading tonight. I can finish talking and totally be spankin’ it five minutes later. #metrics

Overheard at SAE pregame:

[Pi Phi pledge reads aloud Campus Safety Alert about the campus masturbator] Other Pi Phi pledge: Well ... do you think he was hot?

Overheard at SAE Pregame:

SAE pledge, to other SAE pledge, sheepishly: Yo, I don’t mean this in a gay way, but if anal sex is like backwards pooping, that sounds kind of awesome.

Overheard in Ivy:

Ivy senior, rolling an Ivy pass into a cigarette filter: This is like the social equivalent of burning a $100 bill.

Overheard in Holder Basement:

Sophomore boy: I know that word from Civ IV.

Overheard in Terrace:

Terrace girl: I got really mad the other day about the Orange and Black Ball.
Terrace guy: Why?
Terrace girl: It’s super heteronormative. The advertising is all, “Get your hetero date.”
Terrace guy: ... Is it?

Overheard in MOL 101:

Professor: I don’t know how much you guys who are taking this class for a grade care about cancer--but you old auditors in the back probably do!

Overheard in study area:

Guy 1: Some guy in my physics class got a 93 on the midterm.
Guy 2: Is he Asian?
Guy 1: No, he’s just a normal-looking kid.

Overheard in Pi Phi Pledge's inbox:

Elder Pi Phi: Really important pledge task!! [Redacted] and I need two girls to wax our barbours

Overheard in Pyne:

Muggle 1: But I wouldn’t want to have powers all the time, right?
Muggle 2: Yeah!
Muggle 1: Because then people would, like, ask me to help them.

Overheard in Spelman:

Guy 1: My AAS preceptor is from Trinidad and—
Guy 2: What does he know about being African-American?

Overheard in Cottage Library:

Girl: I don’t read books.

Overheard in Whitman:

Girl: He smells like Cheetos 100% of the time and is really hairy and sweats in cold air. We went on a date, and he ate like six cannolis.

Overheard near Fine Hall:

Amateur political theorist: It’s a triumph of the will every time I cross Washington Road.

Overheard in Ivy bathroom:

Girl 1: I haven’t been in this stall since pickups last year when I was making out with a sophomore boy.
Girl 2: That happens to us all.

Overheard in Butler basement:

Facebook-stalking girl: Now [redacted]’s statuses aren’t even in English...
Friend: Are they in Asian?

OVerheard in Marquand:

Grad student: I don’t get why no hot undergraduate twinks have hit on me. I thought twinks love daddies.

Overheard in Wu

Pi Phi frosh, the morning after Bid Night: I think it’s okay that I made out with an ugly guy, I mean, it could have been a lot worse. I could’ve lost my shirt, or my dignity.

Overheard in Tower:

Tall guy: would you rather have a 100-pound scrotum or a ten-foot asshole?

Overheard outside Whitman:

Girl 1: How many staff members does your home in the Dominican Republic have?
Girl 2: Eight.
Girl 1: What!? We only have a seasonal maid in Nantucket!
Girl 2: Yeah. Third-world labor is so great.

Overheard at Chase Bank:

Tower member: Yeah, I’m trying to make a payment for club membership. The club is pretty exclusive, fancy and expensive. I need a check for a pretty large sum to pay for it.

Overheard in Whitman:

Freshman: I was like, so happy, that this 17-year-old axed his grandpa’s head off. Like, don’t get me wrong, it’s
like super-sad, but it’s the perfect example for my freshman seminar presentation.

Overheard at College Night

Freshman boy: Think of crying kids, it will make your expression sexier.

Overheard at Bid Night:

Guy: Just wait until she blacks out, bro.

Overheard outside Brown:

Bike bro #1: No, like, it's actually part of my life plan to win the lottery.
Bike bro #2: Have you ever bought a lottery ticket?
Bike bro #1: No, but I'm going to buy three, and one of them is going to be the winner.