In celebration of the arrival of March, we’re bringing you a standard issue of the Nassau Weekly.

Feast your eyes, ears, and nerve tendrils on Volume 32, Issue 1 of the Nassau Weekly. The new Editorial Board is thrilled to take the reins of the paper. We hope to forge a connection with our readers not unlike that between a Na’vi warrior and her Mountain Banshee ...

Forever 30, Forever Nass.

Dear Reader,

Dear Readers,
Have you stopped to think about the biblical roots of idiocy? The disciples really were the prototypes for the moron in front of you at the supermarket who takes so long to write a check that you can actually see her hair follicles growing. But don’t get ...

We recently got an email from Barack Obama. We had to dig it out of the spam filter, but we did get it. “Dear Nassau Weekly,” it read. “This morning, Michelle and I awoke to some surprising and humbling news. At 6 a.m., we received word that I'd ...

Dear Chancellor Green Café,

A couple of days ago—I’m sure you remember; it was only a couple of days ago, just work with me here—I sat down to skim the rest of a Faulkner short story in the three-and-a-half minutes I had before lecture, when I was interrupted by the music you were playing. Can we talk about that for a sec?

Ca: I think we need to have a talk.

Cb: What about?

Ca: I didn’t actually call you in here to take a shower. I called you in here for something else.

Cb: What’s that?

Ca: I called you in here because I think you have a drinking problem.

Over a lunch of pizza bagels, a fan of this very paper was asked to explain the Nass 100. "The Nass 100 is this thing that the Nass does every year where they like list one hundred things they never want to see again and like 33.3% of them are super funny." Well, we are pleased to announce a full 67 (round up!) percent of this year's list is top-form humour! Incremental progress, folks.

Instead of the usual how-do-you-do, we’d like to tell a story.
There once were two bears. Both were young and happy; both led pleasant and fulfilling lives.
Or so they thought.