Ca: I think we need to have a talk.

Cb: What about?

Ca: I didn’t actually call you in here to take a shower. I called you in here for something else.

Cb: What’s that?

Ca: I called you in here because I think you have a drinking problem.

Over a lunch of pizza bagels, a fan of this very paper was asked to explain the Nass 100. "The Nass 100 is this thing that the Nass does every year where they like list one hundred things they never want to see again and like 33.3% of them are super funny." Well, we are pleased to announce a full 67 (round up!) percent of this year's list is top-form humour! Incremental progress, folks.

Instead of the usual how-do-you-do, we’d like to tell a story.
There once were two bears. Both were young and happy; both led pleasant and fulfilling lives.
Or so they thought.

Two weeks ago, the October 4 issue of the Nassau Weekly ran a cover lamenting the entirely fictional passing of Juergen Habermas. While our last issue intended to remedy what was supposed to be a humorous presentation of our lack of journalistic integrity, we realize that what is needed is ...

1. The popular Dirty Southern rap term "Crunk" has it's origin in the early 1960s. Jewish pharmacist's would ask young men "bist du krank?" or "are you sick?" when they purchased a dozen bottles of cough syrup. Presumably, the young men answered "yes, I am krank."
2. Diane ...

Dr. Doris Kearns Goodwin
c/o Elizabeth Hayes
Simon & Schuster, Inc.
1230 Avenue of the Americas
New York, NY 10020

We wish to apologize for an error in our last issue. Jurgen Habermas is not, in fact, dead. He is alive and well. Not only this, but Gilles Deleuze, famed French anarcho-philosopher, is no longer dead. Upon reading our illustrative magazine, both intellectual heavyweights have agreed to write their own ...

Due to a lack of any outer walls, a profusion of windows and the flammability of the complex (most inner surfaces are wood, not stone, no sprinkler system), a sufficiently swift and chaotic attack against Whitman could be successful with a force significantly smaller than the population (500 students).
Primary ...

Cinema

Whitman College is grand and beautiful. I hated the decay and avant-garde pretensions of Butler’s quad as much as anyone else, and spent my gap year fearing my housing letter and the potential arrival, like some unwelcome diagnosis, of news that I would be living there. My assignment to ...

It would seem the mad dash to fill the Nass’s literary issue might best warrant a clandestine mafia negotiation; by this logic, the editors (in fedoras and spats, sure, and affecting a Sicilian shtick) would send out coercive e-mails to campus literary types, who would know better than to ...

Jess is the President of her campus’s pro-choice group, Rider University Vox. She has also been moonlighting as a saleswoman for a sex toy company since January. Pink pro-choice posters hung behind the display table last Friday night in the Terrace library, where she had arranged a mélange of dildos, vibrators, bottles, and anal beads for her sex toy demonstration.