There are a lot of people on this campus who complain endlessly about the dearth of attractive Princeton students. These people are idiots, and here’s proof. What follows is an unranked list of ten of the most beautiful freshmen at Princeton, as chosen by us and based on a survey of approximately four upperclassmen girls. This is by no means a definitive list, as our lab rats and philosophy professors are still working to establish a unified concept of beauty. But for the time being, we’re pretty sure it will suffice. Enjoy!
1) Kenneth Evans is a 17 year old from San Francisco. (He skipped third grade!) His mom is a executive at Apple, his father is rumored to be Steve Jobs. Creamy complexion, small pores (but not, like, creepy small). Last spotted eating a hoagie in the E-quad. Yum. When asked what he thinks makes someone beautiful, he said, “I think beauty is just a social construct, you know. I try not to label people as beautiful or not beautiful. I love people’s minds.” When asked who his ideal date is, he responded, “Definitely this hot junior in my English precept. I don’t know her name, but she looks great in Lululemons.”
2) Wilsonite Rafael Cohen will play his way into your heart with his soulful guitar melodies. He’s already recorded nine EPs, and his writing seminar professor says his lyricism is “heartbreaking and profound.” He’s Reform, so don’t worry if you don’t know your shalom from your shofar. Rafael’s mother is a pediatric surgeon and his father created the popular TV show The Simpsons, but he’s staying grounded and just wants to meet a nice girl someday. “It’s hard to find time for dating when I’m so busy with my music,” he told us. “But I hope, and I dream.”
3) Jole Nudeburger is a freshman from Easton, Massachusetts. He attended Khan Academy, where he excelled in all physical pursuits, including but not limited to: football, basketball, soccer, rock throwing, bat swinging, gallon-of-milk lifting (but never drinking—he’s lactose intolerant!), and modern dance. When asked if he was surprised to be selected for our very selective list, he replied, “I don’t know if ‘surprised’ is the right word. Dismayed—ashamed, even. I’m not one for exclusive social institutions.” We’ll see about that, Jole.
4) We know there’s still a freshmen rush ban, but rumor has it that Pres. Eisgruber is planning on lifting it for Ryan Foxglove. She came to Princeton with four professionally-shot albums on Facebook containing photos of herself at an apple orchard, so Theta is legally obligated has to make her their president. Ryan enjoys bringing underprivileged children pumpkin spice lattes, and even letting them be a part of her photoshoots. When asked what it means to be beautiful, she responded, “No Kappas.”
5) Amelia Nobama is always being mistaken for our 44th president’s daughter, but we assure you: she’s just a normal college student trying to have a normal college life, and maybe fall in love with a regular guy who has no idea who she is, so she will finally know if he loves her for her, and then, when he finds out, he gets scared but eventually comes back to her because he knows if he is going to deserve a girl like her, he’s got a lot of growing up to do. We asked about her ideal date, but since we had to relay the message through these three guys that follow her at a safe distance wherever she goes (we’re pretty sure it’s a KA thing), we’re not sure she heard us.
6) Sarah is that chill girl from your precept. She doesn’t have a last name—she’s just that chill. Not only does she have six brothers, but she has two dads, so she is truly one of the guys. She likes guy things like beer, spike ball, and taking her shirt off in public. She pees standing up and against buildings, but somehow it doesn’t detract from her feminine allure. Sarah will play you in Smash and pong for hours, but she will never beat you, so you will never have to feel emasculated! Chill as fuck. Don’t worry, though—she’s not chill when it comes to the removal of all her pubic hair.
7) Don’t let the backpack and notebook fool you—Carissa Smirnoff doesn’t know how to read. She is the first completely illiterate student to enroll at Princeton, filling an important demographic deficiency in the student body. She doesn’t have a learning disability—she’s just strong-willed. That really came across in her video application. Both her parents went to Ivy League schools, which makes her rejection of the alphabet all the more impressive. Just remember, if you want to text her, only use emojis!
8) Celine Yamon is a freshman from Indiana with a life-long passion for operations research and financial engineering. We asked her about the worst pick-up line she’s ever received, to which she replied, “Guys will often ask me about my ambiguous ethnicity, which sort of annoys me, especially when they yell it from car windows or email me about it every day for a week.” So fellas, before you ask: her mother is 100% purebred human being, and her father is a four-inch-tall pile of acorns (talk about good genes!).
9) He wouldn’t give us a name, but this seven-time regional hurdle champion is one of the freshest freshmen around. He’s got binders full of women (and all the phone numbers to match). What’s in his satchel? The underwear of his most prized conquests. This lothario won’t be settling down anytime soon: “I don’t do traditional romance. I take my dates to the sneaker store.” If his stories are as true as the fact of his existence at Princeton, expect to see him jumping in and out of beds on your hall for the next four years!
10) Danny Eyesbooger is a ten-month-old freshman from our very own Orange Bubble. Though he hasn’t gotten to walking yet, he spoke his first word yesterday (“tiger!”) and his dad got him a Princeton acceptance letter as a baptism gift. Talk about a legacy. But make no mistake, he is one talented babe. He’s also quite the minx. He thinks the most romantic spot on campus is where the refrigerators used to be in the basement of TI. How he can recall this in his pre-natal memory? One of the many reasons he got into Princeton as an infant. Can’t wait for this baby to graduate!