Hey guys! My name is Peter, I’m a junior editor, and I’m so happy that we could have you here today on page 18 of The Nassau Weekly. You’ve caught us on the tail-end of what you might call a marketing identity coming-of-age process. Over the past few months, we have successfully rebranded ourselves from a college campus arts and culture magazine into an innovative and organic multi-media platform that is uniquely positioned to share a broad range of digital and editorial content with all of our consumers. It’s an exciting time to be here.
Here at the Nass, we like to say that the world is changing, but the Nass is changing faster. How? Let’s dive into that question. First things first, we are in tune with the consumption preferences of our readership: 85 percent of our readers are millennials, an expanding market. By shifting our content to further prioritize meandering long-form anecdotes and inaccessible insider humor, we hope to bump those numbers into the low 90s by October.
Thanks to our media analytics team, we have learned that what our consumers really want is fewer words. We are only too happy to oblige. Just last week, we proudly unveiled the newest sector of the Nassau Weekly brand: our Meme Team™ is a collaborative coalition of former design editors who will work around the clock to bring you flexible, streamlined, and accessible visual content concerning administrators’ sexual activity, playful stereotypes, and an abundance of black squirrels, with a weekly meme spread dedicated exclusively to goings-on in the basement of TI. Last month, our friends over at The Daily Princetonian (don’t take their “rivalry” talk too seriously—we respect their work and try to remind them that culture and institutional propaganda can coexist peacefully) got a jump-start on this exciting new medium by publishing memes on their front page, but we’re confident that the Meme Team™ will get us back ahead of the curve in no time.
That’s something I want to explore a little further with you. Here at The Nassau Weekly, we want to know what our consumers want before they do. That’s the secret to our success. Believe it or not, Forbes brunch looked like a Holiday Inn continental breakfast until we published an editorial titled “Foucault and Fondue: What I Want from My Tuition.” Here at the Nass, we don’t follow trends: we are the trend.
Speaking of multimedia innovations, we are excited to announce the new Navel-Gaze™ capability on our online platform: with a single tap, our consumers can weed out all content with any connection to the world beyond Princeton’s campus and spend hours giddily floating through articles by the Nass, for the Nass and about the Nass. We’re also looking into extra-extra-glossy paper so that consumers can peruse our print media while maintaining eye contact with their own reflection. Here at the Nass, we take the command “know thyself” seriously.
More than anything, the resource we are most excited about is you. We welcome contributions across media boundaries—snapchats, GIFs, memes, even well-timed screenshots. We also accept written content, including good old reportage, personal reflections, cultural commentary, and the occasional haiku. We’d love to have you on our team! Don’t think of it as working for the Nass; think of it as letting the Nass work for you.
Again, thanks so much for stopping by. If you have any questions or contributions, send them our way to email@example.com. We hope to see you again, and we promise that you’ll be seeing more of us than ever before.