1. Your idea for a new campus publication

2. The fact that Anderson Cooper will probably never stick it in me and rotate it around 360 degrees

3. Guys named Matt

4. The Triangle casting futon

5. That time I was owned by Disney and couldn’t express myself creatively

6. Super-secret inside jokes. I’d buy that for a dollar!

7. Name-dropping my friend Will Smith

8. “The Veggie Monster”

9. 2007

10. Facebook statuses taken from movie quotes, i.e., Marla Swiggenbottom is “DRINKS YOUR MILKSHAKE”

11. The Unbearable Whiteness of Terrace

12. Your Confederate flag

13. Your picture of 185 in 185

14. When Harry Met Sally Met Edward II Met RoboCop: A Dramatic Ballad in One Act

15. G-chatting my sister. Why doesn’t she just pick up her phone?

16. The credit crunch and its soberingeffect on “CEOs and Office Hos” parties

17. Facebook’s “Remember 9/11” Super-Poke

18. That scene in Transformers 2 where Shia LaBeouf drunk-drives through Frist

19. The ending of A Prayer for Owen Meany

20. Food in my rubber bands in my braces

21. Whenever you tell me oranges appear in every murder scene in The Godfather

22. That week I thought it was gender-radical to call men “cunts”

23. Children: learn to grip things already

24. “I actually don’t go to Princeton. My name is Marcus Beaton; I’m British; and I’m a lord.”

25. Your tear-stained copy of Franny and Zooey

26. Your semen-stained copy of Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret

27. Everything I learned about you from reading your email, like, twice a day for two years

28. Forlornicating on my staycation

29. How you thought you were the only white person in China

30. The race-consciousness you gained from watching The Wire

31. “Muscular” and/or “workmanlike” prose

32. Trying to fit Willy through the Underground Whaleroad

33. Making love on the Cape

34. When you say “on the Cape”

35. That time all those reporters thought I was hiding from them in a Los Angeles bathroom when really I just had to pee for like fifteen minutes

36. “Bicker narratives”

37. Any rapper who is not Lil’ Wayne, Pope of the South

38. The sense of gloom pervading all forms of popular entertainment

39. Talking points

40. Toilet-paper mummy contests insensitive to the burial rites of my Egyptian ancestors

41. When my gynecologist gets all Patch Adams on me

42. When Paul Giamatti gets all John Adams on me

43. Am I gay?

44. Things that go bump in the night

45. Things that take dumps in the night

46. “Quiet acne”

47. Deadjournal

48. The Tower Social Omniverse

49. Tickle Me Elmo! and other sex toys

50. When I say “Gesundheit” because I don’t believe in God

51. Sleep apnea

52. My college friends

53. Go back to England, Ricky Gervais

54. Mead halls

55. Your toddler’s Jim Morrison t-shirt

56. Studying Italian in college so that a Tuscan aristocrat will pick you up in Florence during your semester abroad and take you to his villa and, like, love you, like, forever

57. Taking Chinese in college “for business purposes”

58. Your internship

59. Seriously, when do you italicize stuff?

60. The Prince. Just kidding, The Prince is awesome. Just kidding.

61. Whenever I hide my true opinion of the 1967 borders because I’m trying to make out with an Arab girl

62. Downloading porno when you can just stream it

63. Streaming SNL clips when you can not watch them

64. Brooklyn

65. Sneeze muffins

66. Whenever I run into Larry Kornreich getting his “swell on” in Central Park

67. Gun shots at the end of every rap record

68. Gun shots at the beginning of every rap record

69. Your secret underground Heidegger reading group

70. Your secret underground Boxcar Children reading group

71. Cold stoopin’

72. That time I commented on Gawker and checked again and again for comments on my comment, only to wind up commenting again

73. Waking up one morning to discover you talk like a sly cat

74. Cliteralizing the metaphor

75. Harping harpists

76. The Princeton Classics Dept. Presents: Gettin’ Dithyrambunctious!!!

77. Yoko Onanism

78. “John McCain is your new penny-farthing”

79. Under-appreciating the hand-job

80. Those times

81. David Sedaris: Living, breathing proof that talent is irrelevant, that success is a marketing decision, and that taste-making audiences seek only the basest recapitulation of their own insipid tics and mannerisms

82. David Sedaris’s face

83. Trying to come up with a rhyme for “lonely”

84. “Philanthropic immunity”

85. I’m sad

86. The time my vagina quivered under the bristles of Wolf Blitzer’s mustache

87. Remaining in a dysfunctional relationship because your girlfriend’s got awesome ‘scripts

88. BBMing while I PJ

89. David Duchovny’s sex addiction

90. Ringo

91. Oboists

92. Hysterical-reality television

93. Aliza Shvart and her menstrual art

94. Dengue fever (not the band). [Funny story: I actually had dengue fever when I was fifteen. Even funnier story: I got it while on tour with the Smith College Orchestra in Trinidad and Tobago!!! I was the only boy. –Ed.]

95. Silver LightningTM

96. These days

97. Ironic diner food

98. Playing chicken with a Public Safety officer, only to get shot by his partner

99. Latter-day Buddhists turned Latter-day Saints

100. That night I held you and we just laughed and cried till morning

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