1. The Daily Princetonian (so true though)

2. Your claim that there is a little independent coffee shop back home that is way better than Small World and way cheaper, though this is probably the case.

3. Princeton’s new login system which demands of innocent young minds textual and pictorial identification with the university’s egomaniacal propaganda. All totalitarian systems claim that they act out of a need for “security.” This one is no exception.

4. To that end, Precept

5. That time I turned back during my “No Turning Back!” road trip

6. Explaining the difference between chamber music camp and band camp

7. The Gold Brix Remix of “Smell Yo’ Dick.” Don’t mess with the classics. (looking at you, Justine)

8. Faculty Recommendations—it’s not like we’re going to ask someone who doesn’t like us…

9. Male flashers

10. Moral relativism

11. Repeat mails from administrators with the same attachments in .doc. It’s just as easy to ignore a .docx as a .doc

12. Any computer whose operating system is not named for a jungle cat

13. Art after 1945

14. Any reference to Princeton’s endowment that does not include the phrase “war chest”

15. “Taproom Café”

16. Y/our conscience

17. Quarks with attitude

18. Charlie’s interest in your parents or siblings when they come to visit

19. “More like” jokes

20. Even numbers

21. Odd numbers

22. The Sporadic Table of Elements

23. Weird numbers

24. The Gawker! Style! Manual!

25. My roommate who, all summer, talked about the boxers Goldman provided for him at the gym so he didn’t have to bring his own

26. Twitter posts that give a person’s location on Google Maps

27. The phrase “death panel”

28. Hot old gay men

29. The foreboding decadence of Been Watching More Television Lately, by Nick Hornby

30. Your painstakingly faked VHS of a David Lynch porn (Penis Ax) has received…0 bids

31. People who seem foreign but are just ugly

32. Barack Obama’s “birth” certificate

33. Sarah Palin’s weird jaw

34. This book was purchased by Firestone Library through the Robert E. Lee Hitler Oswald Fund.

35. Old men who appear excited because they can no longer close their mouths

36. UHS’ list of endangered sluts

37. Nohomosexuals

38. That one kid who hasn’t learned that listening to African music makes you whiter

39. Glenn Beck’s 9/12 Project

40. Dick Cheney’s 9/11 Project

41. John Cusack’s 2012 Project

42. Them jeans

43. The MacBook Heir

44. Whatever heterosexuals try after anal

45. The Cheetah Girls 2: When in Spain

46. The gum recession

47. Your friends from rehab

48. NPR’s take on Jay-Z

49. Being woken up by the pornography my father watches

50. The look in your eyes when I told you it was just a rash

51. Your bangs

52. “Flavor of Love” spin-offs

53. Shows on HBO without nudity, overwhelming cursing, or gratuitous violence

54. The organic food lab being the only thing open at 2.30am

55. Your new iPhone app that gives you blowjobs

56. Your drug-induced eating disorder and post-recovery awkward baby fat

57. The transcripts of our cybersex

58. My roommate’s pubic hair anywhere on my side of the room

59. Michael Jackson

60. The starving children in Africa who would love to eat my leftovers

61. My foster parents

62. Sustainability at Princeton, and everywhere else

63. Your cum-stained copy of Castaway

64. Your orange juice-stained copy of Muppet Treasure Island

65. Roller derbies

66. Parents and their constant demands (lighten up, guys!)

67. Frist B-Level

68. The Elemental Table of Periods

69. Inter-orifice memos

70. My lomography phase

71. Circumstantial circumcisions

72. “Symbology,” and other Dan Brown-isms

73. People who take advantage of my hospitality

74. People who take advantage of me at the hospital

75. Woody Allen’s “Shouts and Murmurs”

76. Fake Internet on fake iPhones

77. Self-satisfied girlfriends and their douche bags

78. Texting

79. Brick breaks

80. That night in Vegas when I saw The Hangover

81. Keyboard Cat. Just kidding. We love Keyboard Cat!

82. “White Stuff People Like”

83. Sit-down comedy

84. Flute conventions (note: these exist)

85. Clothing with writing on it

86. Insects having insect sex + incest (work this one)

87. Enter the Dragon, the Restaurant

88. “‘Your Huddled Masses Yearning to Breathe Free’—a poem by Emily Dickinson”—a satire by Mark Twain

89. That time I stumbled into a Body Hype party and lost my phone and my virginity

90. Broadway

91. The number 42

92. “Trolls vs Trees” night at T.I.

93. “Rollin’ in the Breeze” night at Poe Field

94. Those starfuckers at Scientific Research in Early Chinese Glass

95. The Greatest Generation, “The Greatest Generation”

96. Rowers cruising in the Wa bathroom

97. Cab drivers who use GPS devices

98. Heidegger’s “The Origin of the Work of Art” (spoiler alert: it’s art)

99. The taste you’ve left in my mouth

100. WPRB