REPO MEN
[View trailer](http://www.apple.com/trailers/universal/repomen/)
Repo Men is about a guy who does a thing with a partner in a dystopian future who fucks up that thing and then has to fight against his partner and, indeed, the whole of society, for the sake of truth. You might remember this movie as District 9, Equilibrium, the video game Haze, Avatar, Minority Report, Fahrenheit 451, Logan’s Run and The Giver.
“Ah,” but you say, “Did The Giver have an Asian woman being pistol whipped in the trailer?” No, you’re right, it didn’t.
FOUR STARS DUE TO AN ASIAN WOMAN GETTING PISTOL WHIPPED.
THE WOLFMAN
[View trailer](http://www.apple.com/trailers/universal/thewolfman/)
Benicio del Toro is the inexplicably Latino son of an English nobleman. Two thirds of the way through the trailer, he turns into the Beast, from the X-Men, which enrages the rest of England, and the hunt is on!
Here’s a thing: his father is obviously also a werewolf. You can tell from the trailer because he’s an asshole, and the majority of assholes are werewolves (this is scientific, and you can look it up in books).
THREE STARS DUE TO MAXIMUM WOLVES.
FROM PARIS WITH LOVE
[View trailer](http://www.apple.com/trailers/lions_gate/frompariswithlove/)
Dirt-stache and Baldofsky are the ultimate odd-couple: Baldofsky fucking loves Pringles, but all Dirt-stache wants is some alone time with his vase!
There hasn’t been a pairing this incongruous since In Bruges, Hot Fuzz, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, Transporter 3, Bad Boys, Bad Boys II, Lethal Weapon 1, Lethal Weapon 2, Lethal Weapon 3, Lethal Weapon 4, Live Free or Die Hard, Con Air, or the Batman movie with the nipples on the batsuit.
TWO STARS DUE TO VASE-RELATED ANTICS.
FROZEN
[View trailer](http://www.apple.com/trailers/independent/frozen/)
“TERRIFYING! WILL DO FOR SKIING WHAT JAWS DID FOR SWIMMING”
-BRAD MISKA, BLOODY-DISGUSTING.COM
This chunk of unbelievable inanity flashes on the screen right around the point where the trailer switches over from “A FUN DAY AT THE MOUNTAIN” to “OHHH NNNNNNOOOOOO.”
Three white teenagers on a skiing trip get stuck on a chairlift. It’s a skiing movie, so of course they’re white—that’s how Frozen keeps you on your toes, because you can’t be sure who’ll die first. And nobody knows they’re up there! There are wolves or something!
“This is so messed up,” sobs one white teen. “It’s Sunday, and they’re not open again until Friday!” screams another. It’s hard to be shaken to your very core by dialogue that can double as bitching about a bank holiday. If I had my way, they would at least have a threesome before succumbing to exposure, injuries, and wolves, but the trailer gives no indication of this taking place. Instead, [a photograph of a hand stuck to a piece of cold metal].
ZERO STARS DUE TO FUCK THIS MOVIE.