WALL STREET: MONEY NEVER SLEEPS [\(Link\)](http://trailers.apple.com/trailers/fox/wallstreetmoneyneversleeps/)
Having been cryogenically frozen at the end of Wall Street, Kirk “Michael” Douglas has returned to wreak havok on this new, technologically advanced century with ’80s know-how and slick suspenders. As any movie buff would know, this premise is a direct rip-off of Jason X, the one where Jason kills people on a space ship instead of next to a lake.
In this new installation, however, Douglas has a sidekick: young, idealistic Shia LaBeouf. The attraction is clear, since Douglas has three things LaBeouf desperately needs: 1.) a chin, 2.) a real person’s first name, and 3.) a real person’s last name. He is also dating Douglas’ daughter, who is somehow less waifish and effeminate than he is.
Like any good financial drama, Wall Street 2: The Streets features boxing and a motorcycle chase scene. Here’s a hint: metaphors. Also, it has a scene where a character is looking at a computer and the computer is projecting onto that char- acter’s face. Has nobody told Hollywood that that doesn’t actually happen, or is Oliver Stone living in the future?
According to the trailer, this movie is about you and me, doing the right thing, and the game, which means that this movie is every single movie ever.
Special activity: You be Dan Abromowitz!
Choose your favorite snappy line to complete the sentence. There’s no wrong answer!
“There’s also a scene where Douglas sucks on a cigar like:
A.) an NYU undergrad at a coke-dealer convention.”
B.) the Academy in James Cameron’s hot tub.”
C.) he’s trying to get his new album an 8.4 from Pitchfork.”
D.) it’s Thomas L. Friedman’s dick and he’s Thomas L. Friedman.”
THREE STARS DUE TO OF COURSE MONEY DOESN’T SLEEP, OLIVER STONE, IT IS A CONCEPT, NOT AN ANIMAL.
Julianne Moore is worried that her husband, Liam Neeson, is having an affair. This is reasonable, because come on, we’re talking about Liam Neeson here, you guys. In order to find out whether or not he is, Moore employs the aid of Chloe, a horrific half-fish, half-human creature. If I had a dollar for every inch between her eyes beyond a reasonable distance, I would have several dollars too many.
Not seeming to understand that, if she hires someone to seduce her husband, and that person seduces her husband, it is her fault, she is horrified to learn that Chloe has seduced her husband, and blames Chloe. This makes sense because no it doesn’t.
Chloe makes out with Liam Neeson in a greenhouse. Chloe makes out with Julianne Moore, and then emails her pictures of it. Chloe does something to Julianne Moore’s neck with what looks like sharpened salad tongs. I don’t understand what’s going on, and neither do you. Here’s my guess:
Chloe is actually an international diamond thief/master surgeon. What Julianne Moore does not know is that her super scientist/master surgeon husband, Liam Neeson, has, through an experimental procedure, turned her heart into the world’s largest diamond. She does not know this because he has wiped her memory using science. This is why he has to be emotionally distant from her. Chloe is also their daughter. Neither of them know this because she has wiped their memory using science. She is now trying to seduce and blackmail them both, in order to get back at Liam Neeson for using her in his experiments and to steal Julianne Moore’s diamond heart. All of this, however, has been orchestrated by a criminal mastermind/master surgeon, played by Shaquille O’Neal in a triumphant return to the silver screen.
P.S. GIRLS MAKING OUT
TWO STARS DUE TO SERIOUSLY, WHAT IS WRONG WITH HER FACE.
THE BOUNTY HUNTER [\(Link\)](http://trailers.apple.com/trailers/sony_pictures/thebountyhunter/)
Hunting down, abducting, verbally abusing, and manhandling your “Ex” [sic], all in the name of bringing her to justice: Best job ever? No, it is a weird and scary juvenile violence fantasy, and not how adults resolve their issues. Also a movie! Keep the fire of liberty burning, Hollywood.
Gerard Butler, whose accent has gone from “Scottish” to “Austrian Cookie Monster,” is a bounty hunter (“Not a bounty helper,” as a fat guy angrily informs him) whose “Ex” [sic], Jennifer Aniston, has skipped bail. After shoving her in his trunk, John Mayer finds he may have bit off more than he can chew! Because the cops are after them or something! She’s a reporter(?)!
Really, do we need this level of plot complexity from a movie that exists solely to have too many handcuff gags and a bunch of smug cracks about how relationships sure are crazy? Seriously, I am quite confident in guessing that, at some point, somebody has a gun to Jennifer Aniston’s head and Gerard Butler has a gun pointed at that person, and that person says something about how (s)he’s going to shoot Jennifer Aniston if he doesn’t drop his gun, and then he’ll make some comment about how he would thank him/her if he/she did, and then Jennifer Aniston will get mad. I would be legitimately surprised if that wasn’t in there.
I guess what I’m saying is, I’d rather chew off my own lips than see The Bounty Hunter.
Man, relationships sure are crazy, though!
ONE STAR DUE TO GERARD BUTLER GETTING TASERED IN THE NECK.
LETTERS TO GOD [\(Link\)](http://trailers.apple.com/trailers/independent/letterstogod/)
Here are some important things you should know about Letters to God:
Tyler has cancer. Luckily, it’s the kind of cancer that makes you adorable. He doesn’t let it get him down, though, and doesn’t let it get in the way of his hobby: wearing shirts that say “SOCCER” with color-coordinated bandanas.
Tyler has taken to writing letters to the one true God that he gives to his mailman directly. His mailman then reads them. I’m no lawyer, but I feel like there are all sorts of rules being broken when you read a cancer kid’s Jesus letters. It’s important that Tyler writes these letters, though, because the mailman and his mother have lost their way, as demonstrated by his drinking, like, a third of a shot of whiskey and her talking to this horrible dead-eyed troll of a woman.
Remember, you guys: When bad things happen to white people, they persevere through faith. When bad things happen to black people, they persevere through faith until a white person helps them. That’s how it works!
What I guess is amazing to me about this movie is not the stilted acting and dialogue, nor the one-dimensional husks that we’re supposed to believe are characters, nor the “feel-good” premise that basically sets itself up so that if you don’t like it, you hate God, America, and kids with cancer. What is amazing to me is nobody working on this movie looked at the shot of Tyler wearing a shirt that says “SURVIVE” and said, Hey, you know, maybe that’s a little tasteless. Nope. That little nugget of horrid dark irony made the cut.
ONE STAR DUE TO YOU ARE MY GUIDING STAR IN THESE TROUBLED TIMES, TYLER.