OUR FAMILY WEDDING [\(Link\)](http://www.apple.com/trailers/fox_searchlight/ourfamilywedding/)
Are we so quick to forget the lessons of West Side Story? Latinos and blacks are natural enemies. When they fall in love, their families will inevitably feud, and it will be sassy as hell. YOU KNEW THIS WHEN YOU STARTED DATING, ATTRACTIVE INTERRACIAL COUPLE. YOU MUST HAVE.
This can be exacerbated when one family is made of Carlos Mencia, in his customary role as the consensus-appointed mouthpiece of the Hispanic community.
“This is one wedding party you don’t want to miss.” Are there wedding parties you do want to miss? The answer, of course is yes: ones involving Carlos Mencia, generally.
Of course, the trailer has to go and fuck itself over with the soon-to-be immortal line, “There’s a goat in my bathroom! He’s eating my viagra!” Let me be clear here: Viagra Bathroom Goat is the only movie that should ever be made. Tantalizing the audience with the knowledge of such a thing is the biggest dick move since circumcision became a thing.
ONE STAR DUE TO FALSE HOPES.
LEAVES OF GRASS [\(Link\)](http://www.apple.com/trailers/independent/leavesofgrass/)
In Adaptation, clean-cut, neurotic Ivy League professor Edward Norton, played by John Cusack, has to reconcile with his estranged pot-growing redneck twin brother Edward Norton, played by either Jeff Bridges or Ben Linus’s dad on Lost. Despite being identical twins, they have significantly different accents, which proves that I don’t really know how identical twins work.
Edward Norton gets a haircut, Edward Norton loosens up, and everyone learns a little something about family. There are two Edward Norton’s in this movie. I cannot stress this enough, and neither can the trailer.
By the way, if you don’t get it, Leaves of Grass is a pun (“Grass” is a street name for Walt Whitman).
Also, apparently, there is a scene where a fat, bald guy knife-fights with a menorah (I left this sentence deliberately ambiguous, because either way you slice it, it’s rad).
TWO STARS DUE TO TWO EDWARD NORTONS.
THE KARATE KID [\(Link\)](http://www.apple.com/trailers/sony_pictures/karatekid/)
Are we so quick to forget the lessons of West Side Story? Blacks and Asians are natural enemies. Struck with Yellow Fever, Will Smith Jr. moves to China and wastes no time in hitting on pre-pubescent Chinese chicks (illegal in the US, encouraged in China), but he quickly learns the terrible truth the politicians have been hiding from us for years: Everyone in China knows karate.
In his quest to beat up all of China, Smith, whose arms are almost as thick as the guy from Deerhunter’s, employs the help of Jackie Chan, a dirty homeless fellow who earns Smith’s trust by beating up several twelve year olds.
In case you weren’t quite sure the movie was set in China, the trailer is more than willing to help you out, like the scene where Will Smith Jr. does karate on the Great Wall with Jackie Chan. Also, there is a shot of an Asian girl playing violin. Thanks, America, you’re doing a great job.
All of this is set to the slamming sounds of Fort Minor. You may remember Fort Minor as the rap-rock side project of Linkin Park frontman Mike Shinoda, because everybody wanted more nu-metal rap-rock than Linkin Park were able to provide.
FIVE STARS DUE TO THAT’S HOW MANY ARE ON THE CHINESE FLAG.
THE EXPLODING GIRL [\(Link\)](http://www.apple.com/trailers/lions_gate/crank2/)
As the result of a secret neo-Soviet experiment, Zoe Kazan is faced with an impossible choice: If she does not kill one person every half-hour, the hydrogen bomb embedded in her chest will detonate. On the run from the law, and with time running out, she must fight to survive while trying desperately to determine the lesser of two evils: the path of action, or the path of inaction.
FOUR STARS DUE TO INTENSE ACTION AND THOUGHT-PROVOKING MORAL DILEMMA.
THE EXPLODING GIRL [\(Link\)](http://www.apple.com/trailers/independent/theexplodinggirl/)
The Exploding Girl is not actually about that, but you guys, wouldn’t that be awesome? The Exploding Girl is actually about a cute, (probably) quirky white girl who sort of mumbles back and forth with a cute, (probably) quirky white guy who she may or may not be in a relationship with while gentle mumbly electronic music plays in the background. Nothing explodes, and nothing even seems like it might explode, at the end, as a twist.
Some of the more heated exchanges of the trailer:
“I think we almost kissed, but we didn’t.”
“I don’t really know what you’re asking.”
“Are you mad at me?”
“Why would I be mad at you?”
“So, how long have you two been dating?
“No, we’re not, uh, we’re not together or anything like– She’s just– We’re really good– We’re friends– Yeah.”
To be frank, there’s not enough in the trailer to suggest that you could make an entire movie out of it. There’s not even enough in the trailer to suggest that you could make an entire postcard out of it. The only truly exciting thing about the trailer is the guy’s dumbfuck hair.
ZERO STARS DUE TO LITERALLY NOTHING, NOT EVEN A PREMISE, NOT EVEN CHARACTERS, BECAUSE THESE ARE THE SAME REHASHED SHALLOW WHITE HIP-BUT-UN-HIP CHILD-ADULTS TROTTED OUT FROM THEIR SOHO LOFTS WHEN SUNDANCE ROLLS AROUND TO BE HAILED AS MICROCOSMS OF THE LIBERAL ARTS GENERATION ADRIFT IN THEIR PARENTS’ WORLD, BUT WE’VE SO WORN DOWN THE RUBBER STAMP WE WERE USING TO CRANK THESE OUT THAT WE’RE SUPPOSED TO ACCEPT THEIR MERE PRESENCE, THESE SHIFTLESS SELF-OBSESSED SHITHEADS, AS THE MARK OF A FILM’S MERIT. THIS MOVIE IS NOTHING. THIS MOVIE DOESN’T EXIST. THIS IS NOT A MOVIE.