KILLERS
Killers stars Katherine Heigl as an attractive, blonde, and slightly manic but single and unfulfilled woman who’s all too acutely aware that her biological clock’s ticking. As if by magic, shockingly attractive man of her dreams Ashton Kutcher comes into the picture while she’s on vacation, and the connection is all but instantaneous.
But all is not as it seems. When Heigl witnesses a shock- ing act of violence, perpetrated by none other than Kutcher himself, she finds her world turned on its head: Kutcher is a hitman, marked to be taken out by the government. Pursued by all manner of agents, Kutcher, wise-cracking but unflappable and deadly competent, drags Heigl along as she screams and flails through most of the action and hilariously demonstrates her incompetence in firefights.
All in all, the film looks to be a lighthearted action-comedy, with the possibility of putting Kutcher’s career back onto a stronger footing.
THREE STARS DUE TO SLICK ACTION AND WITTY PRESENTATION.
THE KIDS ARE ALRIGHT
Annette Benning and Julianne Moore are lesbians. Let that sink in. I’ll wait.
Annette Benning and Julianne Moore are a lesbian couple who have two children through the same sperm donor. Mark Ruffalo is the biological father who’s dating someone who he seems to be getting as sloppy seconds from Dolemite. Daughter Mia Wasikowska gets curious and gives Ruffalo a call. Worlds collide, motherfucker.
Side note: I wonder if Mia Wasikowska has ever considered starting a ska band called Mia Wasikowska. If my name was Mia Wasikowska, you can bet I would start a ska band and call it Mia Wasikowska.
“A generous, nearly note-perfect portrait of a modern family!” raves the New York Times quotably. It’s frankly pretty surprising that this is the first time anyone’s attempted a portrait of a Modern Family, Wednesdays at 8/7c on ABC. ABC: The Fun Starts Here!
“Donor dad? Stone cold fox! Is he single?” intones Wasikowskaband’s same-sex friend with a different hair color while looking at his picture (Don’t worry, her opposite-sex friend of a different race is there, too. Everything is balanced in the Sitcom- verse). This presents the tantalizing situation wherein more or less everyone in the movie carries Mark Ruffalo’s seed inside them, but we’re not modern enough for that yet, I guess.
It’s got sassy parents, bold and independent children, frank presentation of pertinent subject matter, all packaged within the question of what it means to be a family today. Juno had all these, also, but Juno didn’t have LESBIANZZZZZZ (Diablo Cody was aware of this, of course; thus, Jennifer’s Body). And, just to really squarely hit the nail of tolerance on the head of accuracy into the board of the twenty-first century with the hammer of progressivism, there’s even scenes in the trailer of the lesbian couple shopping at a hardware store.
Also at one point Moore makes out with Ruffalo. That puts the count of consecutive Julianne Moore movies where she makes out with both a dude and a lady in the same movie at two.
TWO STARS DUE TO HERE’S HOPING FOR A THIRD.
KNIGHT AND DAY
Knight and Day stars Cameron Diaz as an attractive, blonde, and slightly manic but single and unfulfilled woman who’s all too acutely aware that her biological clock’s ticking. As if by magic, shockingly attractive man of her dreams Tom Cruise comes into the picture while she’s on vacation, and the connection is all but instantaneous.
But all is not as it seems. When Diaz witnesses a shocking act of violence, perpetrated by none other than Cruise himself, she finds her world turned on its head: Cruise is a hitman, marked to be taken out by the government. Pursued by all manner of agents, Cruise, wise-cracking but unflappable and deadly competent, drags Diaz along as she screams and flails through most of the action and hilariously demonstrates her incompetence in firefights.
All in all, the film looks to be a lighthearted action-comedy, with the possibility of putting Cruise’s career back onto a stronger footing.
THREE STARS DUE TO WAIT WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED.
HARRY BROWN
I’d like to spend some of the capital I’ve hopefully built up with you, the lovely reader, and attempt to coin a phrase. Harry Brown is a film about Mountain Justice. Michael Caine has had enough. Hooligans and gangs run the streets. Cruel and capricious, they steal, kill, and destroy, all in the name of fun. He and his elderly friends are forced to live in fear. The police can’t, or won’t, do anything. When his friend is tortured and bullshit like Alexander through the goddamn Gordian Knot and wash the scum from the streets with blood. It is time to dole out Mountain Justice.
The Mountain Man is usually elderly, hardened by a life of hardship. He knows how things used to be. He understands how things ought to be. He understands a man’s place in the world. The City Man is weak, his hands bound behind his back by liberalism and laws and moral relativism. The Mountain Man is unforgiving.
The Mountain Man takes on many forms. He is Clint Eastwood in Gran Torino. He is Michael Douglas in Falling Down. He is Sean Patrick Flannery in The Boondock Saints and he is Norman Reedus in The Boondock Saints. He is David Brunt in Hobo With A Shotgun. He is not Batman. He is not the Punisher. The Mountain Man is not a man of unlimited means. The Mountain Man is not forged through tragedy. The Mountain Man is simply a simple man who has simply had enough.
Here’s the problem: Mountain Justice is awesome, except not so much for everybody who isn’t the Mountain Man. For everybody who isn’t the Mountain Man, there’s one more motherfucker with a gun who’s shooting up the streets. Doling out Mountain Justice doesn’t include getting funding for schools or building communities or providing kids with alternatives to drugs and gangs or improving city infrastructure, because that’s not an exciting movie. Mountain Justice is you and the gun and the problem and the trigger, and apparently that’s all it takes.
Funny jokes to make you laugh!
TWO TO FOUR STARS.