Lights come up on a sitcom-style living/dining room/kitchen set. It is reminiscent of I Love Lucy. U, a large foam letter is sitting on the couch nursing a cup of coffee. S, another large foam letter, stumbles in looking pale and hung-over (as possible as it is for foam letters to do so).
U (after a bit): So…how was your night? Long? Exciting?
S: (flops down on the recliner, foam in hands): Horrible. I hate work—R made us stay late again.
U: Really…that’s…sad to hear.
S: Yeah. Well, R can be an ass sometimes.
U: So how late did you guys stay ‘til?
S: Oh. You know…late. Like eleven or so. You know.
U: So. Which bar’d you guys go to?
S: Huh? I told you, I was working late. I didn’t go out.
U: I mean you could have at least called me—it wouldn’t have been a big deal.
S: What?! I told you already, R kept us late at the office—there were reports he wanted done.
U: Ok, ok. I believe you.
U: So…ummmm…what’d you guys end up drinking?
S: Excuse me?
U: You know I’ve always been partial to a martini or two. You could have—
S (cuts off): I told you once and I’m not going to tell you again—I didn’t GO OUT. I didn’t DRINK. I stayed in the office and work—stop giving me that look!
U: What look?
S: God. Nevermind. You know what—if you’re going to start this, I’m going back to bed. I’m not getting into this….(searches for word)….thing again.
U: Ok. Fine. No argument. I believe you—ok?
S: Ok. Good. Fine.
U: Were E and X there?
U: You know.
S: No, I don’t.
U: At the bar.
S: Jesus Christ. I’m going back to bed (starts to leave).
U: Look. I know you went out last night. You came home reeking of—
The actors should say the next part at the same time. Then, S should continue on alone with the “—wrong” line.
S: You’re impossible. I can’t—
U: —and you climb into bed and expect me to just ignore it—
S: —talk to you. You never listen to me. You’re always right, I’m always—
U: Well I’m sick of it. I’m tired of the lies, the bullshit. I’m tired of E and X always being over and you doing those twisted and perverted…I just can’t deal with it anymore.
S: —wrong. You’re constantly jealous. You’re so bitter and warped, no one can have any fun without you wanting to shit on it. You’re not even a real letter. All you do is follow Q around.
U: Don’t bring him into this.
S: Why not? He can’t go anywhere without you—and you accuse me of being unfaithful.
U: He’s…..(searches for word)….disabled. It’s not his fault—he just can’t work without me.
S: I’d say it’s a little more than that. I mean, you two are always—
U: NO!! Don’t try and turn the tables on me. You’re the one whose always coming home drunk. (pause) I called the office.
U: You weren’t there.
S: Well maybe I had stepped outside for a—
U: STOP. JUST STOP. D said you had been gone since five in the afternoon. He told me you said you hadn’t been feeling well so you were going home early. Look. I’ve had enough. Just tell me the truth.
S: Fine. You want the truth. Here’s the goddamn truth (steadily advancing on U). I was out—I was drinking—I wasn’t at work. Is that what you wanted?
U: See. I knew it (rises to go).
S (pushes U back down): No. You wanted the truth. Now fucking stay and listen to it. I was out with E and X and we had a wild threesome at the Hampton Inn. There was cheap rum and condoms everywhere at the end of the night. And you know what—it was better than ANYTHING we have ever done…(breathing heavily, standing over U).
U (voice cracking): Why are you saying all this?
S: You wanted the truth didn’t you?
U stares into the coffee cup.
S: Well you got it.
Pause. U starts to cry softly into the cup of coffee. S backs away to the other end of the room.
S: I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for it to come out like that at all.
U (crying): No. No. It needed to. But how could you—
S: I just…I just need some time to think about the situation—to think about this (turns to exit)
U (muffled): Ok. Well, I’ll be here when…(as S is about to walk out) Whatever
happened to the magic? Where did we go wrong? (raises head) What happened to US???
S: I don’t know (exiting). I just don’t know.
Lights go down on U sobbing into foam appendages on the couch.