The philosophers tell us that everyone has, at some point in their life, given or received a handjob*. Science bears this out. Thing is, though, that handjobs just aren’t that great. Nobody really likes giving them, and, save for a pretty good half-second towards the end, nobody really likes receiving them. If you think otherwise, you are fooling yourself. At their core, they are fundamentally flawed: Someone else is just never going to be able to do you as well as you can do yourself†.

So thank your partner kindly, zip up your fly, and say no to handjobs. Here’s why:

Handjobs are juvenile, fumbling, and furtive. They are the sex act that people use to make fun of middle schoolers. If your spouse catches you having sex with someone else, he or she will be horrified. If your spouse catches you getting a handjob from someone else, he or she will humiliate you relentlessly, and rightfully so: It is barely one notch above being caught having sex dressed as Mr. Met. Just say no.

Handjobs require no skill or finesse beyond the most basic motor skills. They are what you do when you’ve got no idea what’s going on down there. A child of four could probably give a perfectly adequate one. Handjobs are like when your friend comes over to play Street Fighter even though he has no idea how to play Street Fighter, so he just mashes on the buttons and does uppercuts over and over. More often than not, he’ll actually end up winning, but neither of you will feel very good about it. Just say no.

Handjobs are non-committal. There is nothing intimate or engaging about them. Someone could be giving you a handjob at the same time that they’re reading a book, doing one-handed push-ups, or choking a someone to death. If that someone is you, please, know your limits, make sure your partner is CPR certified, and have a spotter on hand, preferably a trained EMT. Asphyxiation during sex acts is very dangerous if improperly done, even with a partner present. Just say no.

Handjobs indicate that something’s terribly wrong. If you’ve stumbled back to someone’s dorm at two AM, and you’ve taken more shots than you had hours of sleep the night before, and you’re giving or getting a handjob, that’s when you stop and ask yourself, Talking Heads style, “Is this where I want to be? Is this the person I would like to be with?” More often than not, the answer is no. Maybe you should have Just [said] no.

Handjobs are discriminatory: They discriminate against people with hooks for hands. I can’t think of anyone else against whom handjobs are discriminatory, but people with hooks for hands are pretty important, especially in the wake of World War I. Just say no.

“But Dan,” you’re screaming, spit dripping down your chin, “If not a handjob, then what?” Making out’s not enough, but oral is too big of a step, and dry humping is a strange, terrifying ritual. The answer is obvious: armpit sex. It’s adult, intimate, requires skill beyond the basics, and does not discriminate against people with hooks for hands. With armpit sex, you get all this, but with no penetration or sharing of fluids. It is the perfect compromise. Say no to handjobs. Say yes to armpit sex.

*Here, a “handjob” refers strictly to the HOCHJ (hand-on-cock handjob), and should NOT be taken to refer to a MOCHJ (mouth-on-cock handjob) or the OTPHJ (over-the-pants hand job).

† A “handjob” here requires the presence of at least one penis, making it distinct from fingering, which requires grace, skill, intimacy, and is a modern marvel.

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