Dear Readers,
How pleased we are to have you! Come, come. Feel our warm, papery embrace. It is cozy in here, whether you use our pages for pleasure, insulation, or as toilet paper.

You: Hey
You: How’s it going?
You: Oh...that’s your penis.
> You disconnected.

The following was adapted from an excerpt of a Word document that may one day, by the grace of David Simon and the Holy Ghost, become a thesis. Amen.

There Lived a Red-Haired Man
There lived a red-haired man
Who had no eyes or ears.

This review will be biased. It will be biased for two reasons. One: there are few things in the world I would rather do than Bryan Greenberg. Two: I'm from New York. These are important biases because Greenberg plays the protagonist, Ben Epstein, a jeans folder at Barney's ...

Author's Note: Around 90% of the text of this story is taken verbatim from Wikipedia articles on various famous Princeton alumni, after Kenneth Goldsmith's lecture and seminar “Uncreative Writing.” If you are curious to know from which alumnus certain details might originate, simply search the text in quotes ...

A little after eight o’clock on Friday night, I received my ticket for the Spring Dance Festival and fought my way through the throng of latecomers into the last available seat, slyly offered up by the crabby woman at the front desk. The Berlind Theater was packed throughout the ...

Andrew Sullivan, a senior editor for The New Republic, knew his audience. He did not come to proselytize; the crowd at McCosh 50, he well understood, needed little convincing that gay rights deserve support. Instead, he led us between left and right, alerting us to the political arguments which have ...

WALL STREET: MONEY NEVER SLEEPS
Having been cryogenically frozen at the end of Wall Street, Kirk “Michael” Douglas has returned to wreak havok on this new, technologically advanced century with ’80s know-how and slick suspenders. As any movie buff would know, this premise is a direct rip-off of Jason X, the one where Jason kills people on a space ship instead of next to a lake.