Mid-thirties male playing with fidget spinner, to envious young child: One day, kid, one day.
Mother: Sam is going to have a birthday party next week, by the way.
Dad: Wasn’t Sam’s birthday last month?
Mother: No, that was his Earth Day awareness party.
Man: The labia minora isn’t always perfectly symmetrical? Is that a Jewish thing?
Delirious sophomore, after an all-nighter: To remind me of home, my mom sent me a plastic bloody limb.
New Yorker staffer: Princeton is not in vogue at The New Yorker anymore.
Boarding school teen, screaming: WHY IS IT THAT EVERY TIME I HAVE A FEMALE FRIEND YOU ACCUSE ME OF BEING A LESBIAN?!!?
Senior guy: I heard these two girls that, based on their voices, were in TI planning their senior trip to Thailand. It was awful.