Clinton voter from red state, looking at model shot of Melania Trump: Honestly, you shouldn't be able to cum to a picture of the First Lady.
Anonymous student: Trump is winning I'm scared can we have extra office hours this week
International preceptor: I'm an Arab...I'll see if I can set up extra office hours over Skype/ Hangouts
Lightweight rower: I bet if you asked him a question about credit default swaps, he would jizz his pants.
Quasi-woke sophomore to his skeptical significant other: Bread rolls not gender rolls (sic)!!!
WASP man: I had 27 Patagonias in high school, I was the king of Patagonias...And in boarding school that means a lot.
BH sophomore, to BH senior: I have your romper!
BH senior, to BH sophomore: I have your passport!
Sophomore Jew: I will never grab the ass of a more famous rabbi.
ORFE major: Cory in the House was the precursor to Obama getting elected.
Male student: "I hate Halloween. Spooky is not my aesthetic."
Sophomore to newly engaged couple: Enjoy your marriage!
Leftist: Strippers have it so hard. They can't even unionize.
Junior female: Anyone know where I could get some leftover "I voted" stickers? Trying to find some for nipple pasties.
Legacy: My dad says that when he dies, he wants me to cremate him and sprinkle his ashes from the second floor of Cottage.
Lit bro: Ulysses is a little like salvia—tough to get through, but fun to process afterwards.
20 year old male, longingly: I love youth soccer
Pi Phi, on phone: Oh, hello? Same Pi Phi: Oh...still ringing.
Sophomore woman, gesturing to Pi Phi in Van Cleef necklace: Oh, are those the Pi Phi necklaces?
Sophomore COS major: Wow, also drank a whole Chemex and I'm super jittery and just expelled everything from inside of me.
Same sophomore, later: I feel empty and afraid.