Father, to small child: Son, the key is to study hard. If you don’t do that you’ll end up at Rutgers, and Mommy and Daddy won’t be proud of you.
Kappa freshman, to Kappa queen bee: Have you been using that new African mango acai supplement? I’m jeal of your rib bones.
Asian girl 1, sheepishly: So yeah, I’m in Woody Woo.
Asian girl 2: Oh, okay.
Asian girl 1, defensively: Yeah, everyone is in the department is really intense. [Pauses] I only applied because my roommate applied and she wanted emotional support.
Beta bro: [Girl’s name] just stares at me and ignores me whenever I see her at Cottage ... like I jizzed on her eye sockets or some shit.
Sophomore Phi Kap: Dude, I’m a Cap member now. I’m above going to Cap, I only go to TI and Ivy.
Tower kid: Is that school even legitimate? $300 million endowment? What a joke.
Prefrosh 1, bewildered: Wait, how did you get waitlisted at WashU?
Prefrosh 2: I know, right?
Prefrosh 3: Well, I got rejected at Cornell, Penn, and Dartmouth!
Drunk girl: So what are you? Are you, like, a player?
Guy: No, I’m not a player. I get that some guys are players and you’re afraid of getting hurt. But that's not me.
Boy: I wish I was a girl so I could kiss them.
[Cottage girl is playing the Amalie theme on the Frist piano]
TI girl: What was that, it was so pretty!
Cottage girl: Oh, that’s the theme from Amalie.
TI girl: Oh, I love Mexican music!