White freshman male with arms around two black upperclassmen he doesn’t know: I got my friend Charles, I got my friend Jeremy. We’re an Oreo cookie. Girls just want to lick us! Who wants to get double stuffed tonight?
Me: trolli gummy fast food
trolli gummy burger
trolli gummy fries
trolli gummy burger fries
Texter: Hey, have you seen my rectum?
Freshman girl, to gaggle of freshman girls: I’ll run for USG. In high school, I was like, president of all my shit.
Professor Gordin, looking at slide on 18th century chemistry: This is basically the method by which a bong operates.
Fat drunk white freshman in neon pink hat: My friend made my Siri address me as “my nigga” and I can’t change it.
AEPi sophomore, eagerly: I need to show you guys the cool new things I learned to do with my throat in Arabic class.
Spunky Nass writer, to Nass editor-in-chief: Why the fuck are you at cottage. Literally give me .25 of a decent explanation.
Unseen stranger, to apparently nobody: Y-y-yo, y-y-y-y-y-y-yo, y-y-yo, y-y-y-y-yo yo yo y-y-y-y- y-y-y-yo, y-y-yo, y-y-y-y-yo
Distribution list processor: Unknown command - “FUCKKKKKKKKKK”. Try HELP.