Egregious douchebag grabbing bike and slamming it to the ground: Yeah! That's how I roll!
Girl: How the fuck did my boyfriend get a beer-gut?
Guy: You used to like partying with me, Julie!
Girl: And my math preceptor actually speaks English. I would move up to 104, but I don't think I would be as lucky.
Girl 1: I just ate so many Wheat Thins, but I'm still hungry.
Girl 2: For what?
Girl 1: Retribution.
Student: I mean, what's the difference between a Mormon and a Jew when it comes to being Mexican?
Alumnus '07: Do you want to know why I deserve to fly business class?
Alum: First, Iʼm better. Second, I have enough American Express points to feed a small country.