Sophomore guy: No, no, I’m not steampunk, I’m just bouncing off of steampunk.
Cap dude: Yeah, two people in my fraternity have lost their fingers.
Young woman: What’re you gonna get at AllSaints?
Young man: A blowjob.
Ivy senior sadboi, at 1 a.m. after Sunday Funday: That’s how I feel about sadness—I’m really addicted to it but I don’t like it.
Twenty-something female: And I’m like, I do not need to see your cervix. We’re not that close.
Nass EIC: This hummus is godly.
Observant Jew: The Nass is not the Messiah.
Low-key humanitarian, high-key drunk: I went on one of those community service trips to Jamaica in college, but our driver hit a house, so we ended up rebuilding that one instead.
Drunk girl in sequins: Only cool people allowed. Only people who like Lean Cuisine.
Sophomore Theta with a fiber stomachache: I just love legumes, but I literally couldn’t even go to Olives anymore if I stopped eating them. I only eat legumes there.
Large bearded man: You can’t be nervous in this world with an 18-inch cock.
Sophomore progressive: No one at Princeton is a Marxist.
Sophomore progressive 2: What about [redacted]? He suffers so much.
Senior boy, on recent alum: Her entire life is a meta-commentary on the ills of humanity.
Edmund White, on teaching at Brown: I mean, well... most of the students were Euro trash.
Sophomore Pi Phi: What does WASP stand for? White, average-sized person?
Former Nass EIC: Journalism is imploding.
Sophomore Pi Phi: I only have one Google alert, and it’s for Mindy Kaling.
Tall man: I guess cold brew is too much for me.
Orange Key guide: Princeton Preview is a great chance to sleep with a student.