Andy Martens: Blackberries are like girls’ horcruxes.
Sophomore sorority girl: Is the financial crisis even a real thing? Like I feel like no one has really been affected ...
Freshman girl 1: What if that car just ran over us right now?
Freshman girl 2: That’d be so Regina George.
COS major: I mean, the only thing you could really do is analyze her facial structure.
Senior audiophile: What happens when you keep blasting subs is that they get really floppy like a vagina.
Desperate club president: Would you like to learn how to pick up girls?
Internet person: I would drag my dick through a mile of brokenglass just to hear her fart through a walkie-talkie.
Frat boy with Solo cup: Hey, should we offer these freshmen
some of our scotch?
Frat boy without Solo cup: Hey freshmen! Want some scotch?
Kappa junior: I watch YouTube videos of passionate, erotic kisses. It makes me happy when I am sad.
Australian girl trying to name American states: Montenegro...? Tahiti...? Chicago...?
Prof. Semmelhack: If you have a long sausage interacting with another long sausage, it will be a stronger attraction.
Sophomore Pi Phi, to frosh: I love your skirt! Have you thought of rush? You have a look I think is appropriate.
Tower junior: Only the less fortunate would iron their dress shirts. You’re supposed to dry clean them.
Boy, to friends: I think I’m going to need to break it off with this girl. I don’t think I can handle a long- distance relationship.
Friend: Dude, she lives in Forbes.
Boy taking Jello shots: Agghhh jelly clarksin
Boy: I’m going to McCosh to have my cast removed later!
Girl: They have an orthopedist there?
Boy: No, but they have a saw.