Impatient girl in an eating club: Who is still printing? Do you guys not realize bicker is coming up?
Professor, on most recent paper assignment: There are some people, I think, who would benefit from a deeper understanding of writing and what it is.
Dude, to other dude: Dude, I’m telling you, by a girl’s 18th orgasm she only burns like 6 calories!
Vengeful fratter: Yeah, she downed one of our guys in the fall; spring bicker is gonna be the Thetapocalypse.
Editor-in-chief, after all-nighter:
Pls colonize my insides
My throat a dry columnar hive
Pls. Your bees from their wild thighs my throat bedew with honey that I might suffocate sweetly
Professor Adam Elga, to former student:
Triangle performer in a tiger suit, entering with a group of actors in drag: Hello Tigers!
Professor P. Adams Sitney: Out! We have no time for this Dionysian debauchery!
Sophomore girl using Snapchat: I feel so guilty. He's sent me nine dick pics already and I've only sent one tit pic in return.
Baseball junior: Dude, you peed all over my desk. That’s just not okay.
Alum, listening to speeches: You know, I was here 20 years ago when my class did this, and I think we just lit it.
Sophomore crew guy: Yo, people in the front, let’s get some live tweets about what’s going on up there. We can’t see shit.
Professor Edmund White, to Professor Susan Choi: What do your children think about you being Asian? Do they think that’s wild?
Grad student, discussing post-colonial theory: It seems like instead of making the present-absent present, he makes the absent more present.
Visiting linguistics professor, after cross-dressed cheerleaders from Triangle run into lecture hall: Ooh, I need to sit down now.
Boy 1: Fine Library is like a vagina
Boy 2: how so
Boy 1: its sunken
Boy 1: its a chalice
Officer: I want the billionaires on this campus to step up.
Theta: Wanna make roadies and go to Paper Source?