Symptoms May Include

February 20, 2016

Verbatim

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Overheard in Advanced Poetry

Monica Youn: Who did you think the speaker was?
Terrace senior: This might sound weirdly specific, but I thought it was either a female dentist or a yoga instructor.

Overheard in Edwards

Senior Woman: Who the hell is [redacted]?
[redacted]: Me

Overheard at Yankee Doodle

Townie, pointing to a portrait of Michelle Obama: That’s Obama’s BITCH

Overheard in Frist

Frosh boy: During my three days in COS, I learned…

Overheard in basement bathroom of architecture building

Senior, accidentally directing the last little trickle of pee into his underwear: Nooo.... Nooo!!!

Overheard in Bloomberg

Jewish freshman, contemplatively: I mean what do you do with Jews; you fuck them and then what else? Do a text study?

Overheard Pyne

Worldly frosh, dismissively: I can’t even remember when I got my first pass.

Overheard in East Pyne

Senior woman: 10/10 would bang. 10/10 would also hose.

Overheard in Frist

Lovelorn Jewish press club member, about crush, morosely: I don't think she’ll ever come to the CJL.

Overheard on iMessage

Sophomore, on preceptor: [redacted] is my soulmate. I want him to fuck me against a wall until all I can speak is Middle English.

Overheard at Nass meeting

Junior WASP: So I just discovered falafel...I didn’t know how to spell it. I thought it started with a “ph.”

Overheard last night

Drunk German stranger, slurring: Fucking.
Me: What?
DGS: Fucking. Are you any good at it?

Overheard at Nass meeting

Conflicted freshman: I used to really support Hillary, but now I just feel dead inside?

Overheard in front of Wu

One football player to another: I really like how we’ve slowly integrated doing work into the week.

Overheard on iMessage

Managing Editor 1: Taking shower be down in a sec
Managing Editor 2: Be clothed.

Overheard on iMessage

Apes Sophomore:
But I care about you
Ppl love fucking in the girls room
I’m sorry for everything that happened