Pundit, drenched in his own spit: Trump is like one of those Italian barefoot peasant women who make wine by stomping on grapes all day, except instead of grapes it’s d**ks as far as the eye can see and Trump is wear- ing very expensive shoes.
Female writer, to aesthete: You had a tweet about Benjamin a few days ago and it was so true.
Frosh valley girl: Every time I take a step I secretly fart a little bit.
Man, wearing Yeezy boots: I’m really feeling my Shia LaBeouf look right now.
Professor: I like Vespasian, he’s the one who built the urinals.
(Later): Anyone can have a stroke, that doesn’t take a special talent.
Freshman: Every time I laugh it’s fake. I try very hard to have an audible and melodious laugh.
WASP, waving Apple Pencil: Look at my Torah wand!
TI junior 1: Last year, I went home with a boy after he bit me on the Ivy dance floor and I started bleeding.
TI junior 2: Was it a good kind of bleeding?
Senior activist woman, on mutual friend: She’s a normal theater person. I don’t even dislike her at all.
Conflicted Jewish male writer: I don’t want to peddle in some bullshit shtetl nostalgia.
(Later): I need to rename this character, I can’t use Adolf.
Journalist, contemplatively: Gmail emojis...are doing me dirty.
Gay sophomore, on Israel experience: I didn’t hook up with a girl! And she didn’t get herpes from me. And she was 14, not 13.
Sophomore: What was the rabbi to non rabbi ratio?
Other sophomore: I don’t know how to do ratios, but there were ten rabbis.
Woman: Why did he just say “I’m not trying to be sketchy?”
Other woman: Because he want- ed me to buy his coke for $10.
Buoyant senior: As a child, I once tried to waterproof myself with vaseline. I hadn’t realized that I am already waterproof.