Ex-Nass Writer: It might be a caffeine high, or I might have just truly experienced cubism for the first time.
Drunk sophomore Cap member: These passes better get used. It's a waste of paper otherwise. I'm a conscious citizen of the Earth.
Female sophomore: Honestly, shut up.
HUM Alum: I write all my papers on sex. I'm the most virginal person I know. Riddle me that.
Classics Junior: I'm a Eurocentric imperialist white man!
Professor: Calm down.
Prospective English major in Calc I: When I factor something, I just like… orgasm.
Frosh girl to her roommate: I feel like we've really bonded over shared trauma now
Blonde Pi Phi drunkenly peeing on Nassau Hall:
This building is older than America!
Take that, old white men!
Girl: You can't come to Passover at my house, you're not Jewish.
Bro: But I'm in Apes.
Senior Terran: Sucking dick is not a personality trait.
Jewish American Princess: I’m a *woman*!!! When I got my IUD I felt like a woman again. I was like ‘bat mitzvah take 2!!!’
1: "But what do you ultimately want to be when you're older?"
Senior wearing Warby Parkers: I only use Twitter to follow basketball stars. And radical leftists. There's a lot of overlap.
"What are your favorite snacks?"
Picky eater roommate: I really like gruel.
Group of girls, leaving the street: She was wearing stilettos. I mean, you do you… but she was doing you all wrong.
Gay Officer: What are Sodom and Gomorrah? I thought they were a pair of historical gay lovers.
Social Chair (whispering): How many baguettes can we purchase for $2000?