Future Bridgewater employee: I just had a moment where I realized how glad I was to be white.
Dude: If it’s covered in chocolate who cares if it’s a dick?
Ivy sophomore, screaming: FUCK, I WANT A HOAGIE.
Nass staffer: Do you have any cash?
Ivy sophomore, even louder: I would, BUT I SPENT IT ALL ON LUBE.
Math major, to other math major: Padding your GPA with Econ classes is like beating fourth graders in basketball.
Butter-covered Terrace sophomore: If you get anywhere near this ass it’s gonna be danger.
Nass Freshman: Anyone here on a varsity team?
Frist center: [dull hum]
Girl, near-hysterical: You’re in Cap now, baby, nothing else matters anymore!!
Bathroom Nazi, to roommate: Fuck, man. Did you shit in the toilet again?!
Boy: Charter’s really beautiful... If there were no people there, I’d go.
Tower senior: We’re letting in 70 Indian kids. I’ll never speak to any of them.
German freshman: I vud like to know more about Monica Levinsky.
Girl 1: She is such a bitch.
Girl 2: Jesus, you can’t insult people in church.
Girl 2: Well, you just used the Lord’s name in vain.
Girl 1: Yeah, but you insulted a real person.
AEPi Sophomore, inscrutably: Yeah girl you all about that forbidden fruit life.
Adjunct professor of Mathematics: So the question is, how many peo- ple are you going to date in your lifetime? But don’t ask a math- ematician that question because the answer is 0, or 1 if you’re lucky.
Inebriated Ivy member: I was the most popular person at PMC.
Quad Officer: We’re a pretty popular club on the street.
Member: I mean, it’s not hard to become a senator.
Tigertone: I get more head than anybody I’ve ever seen before.