Radical feminist: The best health is vaginal health.
Senior girl: How do you spell ratchet?
Future diplomat, on Tinder profile: Dude, if people see that picture I’m fucked.
Junior English major with man bun: I’m just looking for intellectual fulfillment.
Sophomore rushee: I don’t have to shower, I’m just going to Kappa.
Senior girl offhandedly, on MacArthur genius grants: Oh yeah, my aunt got one of those, too.
Soldier, to group of other soldiers: Please don’t tell me you didn’t do this for the money.
Future CEO: I exceeded the number of searches on Tiger Tracks and it blocked me.
Senior SAE to Siri: What is the age of consent in New Jersey?
British junior: I prefer nationalism in a man.
Leftist junior, buying moleskines: My reward for nice handwriting is nice paper to write on.
Marquand librarian: Regardless of where your carrel is located, Marquand carrels are arguably the nicest on campus.
Grad student, on a Skype call: Shmeckel...shmeckel. Shmeckel. Shmeckel.
Pi Phi pledge, in tree: I’m fine.
Theta senior: You’re in a tree. You’re not fine.
Belligerent PhD candidate, to woman with crutches: What happened?! You were totally normal when you were sitting down!
Freshman, playing ping pong: Dude, the last time I played this game was ‘Nam in, uh...’89.”
Chi Phi senior, after guzzling Star- bucks pumpkin spice latte: If cum tasted like that, girls would be blowing dudes left and right.