Freshman guy: The thing is...I could totally see myself being one of the guards who went too far in the Stanford Prison Experiment.
AEPi junior: Corporate finance is, like, an important life skill to have.
Theta, on boyfriend: He always tries to get me something unique and different...But I’m not a unique and different person!
Princeton Student: Hey, there’s Drexel!
Girl: Where’s that?
Princeton Student, cheerfully: In Philadelphia—we gave them meningitis!
Foreign grad student: im at clusters inn. pretty fun.
Boy in salmon shorts: Is Bent Spoon the conservative ice cream choice? (later) I feel like ice cream is a very liberal construct.
Ivy male: He Instagrams like a poor person.
Tower male 1: Did you say you’d relish getting McCoshed?
Tower male 2: Oh, yeah.
Tower male 1: I wouldn’t. I heard it can fuck with your State Department security clearance.
Tower male 2: I heard that too, I think it’s bullshit.
Cab driver, to Terrace senior via text message: Nice to meet bro let’s roll the dice for bitches in the city.
Chi Phi: Why do you want to be fratty?
Theta: Why do you want to be fratty?
Chi Phi: Uh, because it’s fucking SICK?!
Girl: You don’t know what “Verbatim” is??
Boy: I don’t read our paper.
Girl, disgusted: It’s not the Prince. It’s the Nassau Weekly.
Colonial senior: I wanted to write an article about cunnilingus.
Learned freshman girl: Is that a circus act?
Nass editor, whining: No, I was just being ironically basic!
Theta, repeatedly: Am I still young and beautiful? Am I washed up? Am I still young and beautiful? Am I washed up?
Guest professor Michael Cook: Obviously, sexy music is a real bad thing.
Drunk pledge, to other pledge: YOU’RE MY BROTHER. MY FRAT BROTHER. IF WE COULD GET ANY CLOSER...WE COULDN’T. YOU’RE MY FRATERNITY BROTHER, AND I’M OBLIGATED TO DEFEND YOU IN COURT.