Anonymous Wizard: I guess money, hos and clothes are out of the question in terms of rapping material. I’ve always been a fan of hip hop--intellectual hip hop, not the ‘bitches and hos - look at me in my ferari sheeit.’ With the growing number of male virgins worldwide, I could foresee your audience.
To the Religious Life Council: Hope you had a good weekend! Tomorrow’s meeting will be focused on death. As part of the meeting we’ll be doing an activity that attempts to simulate the thought process and struggles of one going through their own death. This is a very heavy subject for many so if you feel during this activity that you are unable to continue, feel free to leave the room. However, this is a very powerful exercise when I went through it and I hope you’ll also find it as powerful. See you all tomorrow!
Serbian woman, describing Melania Trump’s desk: My aunts would die for something like that.
Despondent WASP: Just bought a hunting print to make myself feel better.
Confused freshman: And so I’m sitting there, and he’s asking to eat me out…I’m clearly vomiting into this trash can…
Freshman: The average age here is like 38.
Same freshman, later: I feel like I’m at an AARP meeting.
Time Magazine: Reportedly declining are such prudish practices as making love with one’s clothes on or in total darkness.
Professor, on the elections: I think last night I probably ate the equivalent of 10,000 calories.
Professor: You should be able to see a little bit of purple haze…
Freshman, to no-one in particular: Purple Haze, isn’t that a song by Prince? Or is it Purple Fog? Yeah, Purple Fog…
Single freshman: I’m discovering more and more that my dad is obese on the inside.
Frat pledge: I don’t actually have to do the readings for my GSS class since I’m so woke.
Freshman, yelling: I am a gay man! I cannot read more than two consecutive pages about athletics!
Professor: Have you ever seen an infant vomit? It is NOTEWORTHY!
Same professor, later: I don’t have anything to do with babies, unless they’re dead, then I like to study them. But if they’re alive, I have no idea what to do.