Pi Phi officer, on rush: If they’re on the fence, let them do Theta.
Girl: Are you going to TruckFest?
Cottage bro, clutching Chobani yogurt: I don’t even know what that is.
Girl: It’s for charity.
Bro: I don’t believe in charity.
UT sorority girl: Ever since she faked her own drug addiction and checked herself into rehab, I just can’t be friends with her.
Blonde junior: I just feel like my brain is so strong that I can’t get drunk anymore.
Junior, to other junior: Sometimes I feel like, investing’s not even hard!
Leftist frosh: Some socialist Jews were counting on me to go to upstate New York and start a pedagogical revolution.
Theta sophomore: Did I tell you guys? [Redacted] called Psafe on an orgy this weekend.
Wisconsin junior: I like that shirt. Where’d you get it?
Ohio senior: JCPenney close-out rack.
Westchester junior: What’s a close-out rack?
Male student 1, admiring window: That is the sickest room.
Male student 2: That is rad. I bet they just play cards and drink a sick amount of wine.
NYC freshman: Why don’t they have champagne here?
SAE sophomore: Why don’t they have bottles here?
NYC freshman: Why don’t they have Dom here?
(nod, continue to smoke Marlboro Golds)
Tower member: So we were all in the Tower coat room reading presidential slash fiction...
Theta sophomore: I can’t believe it costs $120 to go to one night of Tower formals.
Ivy sophomore boy: Well, I paid $1100 for two meals and a Tiffany necklace.
6-year-old girl, being forced to pose for a photo with someone else’s bike: Seriously, mom?
Professor: Cancer’s a good thing to try and avoid, or treat if you have it.
Girl: Do you like drinking, or do you like learning?
Sanskrit poet: and then he saw their women. They were worthy of the finest things. Pure in mind and noble in spirit, their thoughts were constant focused on their beloveds and their intoxicating beverages.