Sophomore Presbysterian: Do you like gentile women?
Freshman Jew: No. My Mom says they are just for practice.
Boy: I voted for the cute girl, I don’t remember her name.
Disgruntled sophomore, barging out of his room to address a group of chatting friends: Can you keep it down? I’m trying to have sex in here.
Horny Guy: I don’t like free porn sites. They always give me viruses.
Really Horny Guy: That’s why you have to go on your iPhone. They never get viruses. Plus they are more discreet in public places.
Freshman boy: Shit, I just almost dropped my fork in the Food bin.
Sophomore boy: Dawg, I do that all the time. I’m like fuck it, though. Pigs can die.
Sorority girl: I don’t know how she does it. She has a boyfriend and she doesn’t drink. Why is she in a sorority?
Freshman, to TI alumnus: Sure, TI’s great. I’ve been there.
TI alumnus’s wife: Oh no honey, you should join Ivy. All of his *nice* friends are from Ivy.
Pi Phi freshman: Being in a sorority is like having Halloween every week.
Professor: I was going to have papers for you, but they’re in New York, along with my car keys and, more tragically, my lunch.
Melancholic bro: Dude, football makes me so sad.
P-Safe officer, motioning to extremely drunk boy: Kid tried to steal the Christmas tree from the U-Store, but he forgot to unplug it.
Ivy senior: In no context is the taco salad socially acceptable.
Sophomore Pi Phi 1: Do I get this sushi?
Sophomore Pi Phi 2: They never have Hawaiian rolls, but do now. So do it!
Pi Phi 1: But formals are so soon and I don’t want to wear Spanx this year.
Pi Phi 2: What’s so bad about sushi?
Pi Phi 1: Rice is a carb!
Pi Phi 2: Fuck.