Zete sophomore: Life is just about being taken advantage of.
AEPi senior, confused: Is 50 Shades of Grey starring Drake?
Press Club member: This is the best place to masturbate in Firestone.
Member of Literati: Were you born into your speaking voice or did you cultivate it?
Professor: Being able to vomit well is a life skill.
Women’s track team member: I didn’t know you could hold in a fart until, like, last year.
Granddaughter: I’m taking a class about social structures in Sub-Sahran Africa.
Old Jewish grandfather: That doesn’t exist. They made that up.
Chi Phi bro: One industry I want to break in is whaling. I know they’re there because of all the people protesting. How do I become a whaler?
Male dancer: So in this step, we are gonna grab our genitals.
Female dancer: Don’t be insensitive, not everyone has genitals.
Ivy member, singing: ‘cause when you’re 15...you know it?
Sophomore: No man, I don’t.
Ivy member: You gotta know it. Taylor Swift, man.
Senior, to freshman film buff: So you’ve seen every single Medea movie, but you’ve never seen Star Wars?
Girl: My grandma just died, so my grandpa is thinking about moving out of his retirement home.
Elderly auditor: Single guy in a retirement home? He’s living the dream!
Senior watching video on phone, discerningly: It’s the right elephant, just not the right footage.
Comp. lit. major: Never kiss a boy who does not believe that affirmative action has a place in society.
Male dancer, dismissively: So I’d keep a dinosaur for like three years, then I’d let it die once it gets domesticated.
Manic pixie dream boy: I can’t stop smiling around her. It’s really bad. I need to take a seat. Or seven seats.
Senior male: I’d marry Tim Allen over both of the Olsen twins.
Junior: Monaco is like the Ivy of city-states.