Senior, melodramatically: I think I like to fetishize victimhood. [Pause.] That's why I was a vegan for like a week.
Chef: Guess where you are?
Girl Scout, eagerly: Albert Einstein's funeral home!
P-Safe Officer 1 to P-Safe Officer 2: Have you seen that movie _Over My Dead Body_ with Paul Rudd?
Librarian, teaching child about the Internet: I don't like Wikipedia because you can just go in and say, "This guy is purple!"
Professor: But, putting aside the question of whether Clinton is blacker than Obama...
Bro: Yo, I brought my TI-89 but it's total overkill. It's like shooting a bird with a fucking RPG.
Genius: We could fix that for you, definitely. It will cost you an arm and a leg, if that matters to you.
Bro: What you need to do is, get someone who doesn't suck at singing and make yourself an acoustic version of the Robot Unicorn Attack Song.
Drunk Bro: Dude, you don't understand how loud you are when you're drunk. It's like you've got caps lock on. Like, AHHH, WHERE THE FUCK IS MY COAT? WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?