Woman determined to seduce preceptor: What’s the most flirtatious topic I could write about? Abortion?
Jew 1: So what are you doing this summer?
Jew 2: Getting married...
Cap Junior: I could buy whatever is getting raffled off, but I still like to participate because it makes me feel like part of the working class.
Sophomore sorority girl: Probably my worst nightmare is to get my period in TI.
Terrace Junior, on adding Fireball to beer: It turns a mediocre beer into an event.
Dashing youth, on Kafka: He died young, so he never got ugly.
Pi Phi everywoman: I feel like we’re in Rent!!
Indignant sophomore, over croissants: If you can’t tell a door is a door because there’s a poster on it, you deserve to die in a fire.
Voicemail message: Thank you for your call. No one can
answer the phone right now because everyone is out fighting for social justice. Please leave your name and number and we will get back to you.
Junior international: Let me retake that snap, everyone needs to know that my Rolex is mother of pearl.
Lonely girl on campus for break: Can’t wait for dinner tonight!
Ivy male: Me too. I’m very excited. However, unfortunately, I find myself extremely hungover at a horse race at James Madison’s estate, drinking.
Ivy male: Meaning that I may need to reschedule.
Ambitious senior girl, observing boys play FIFA: I don’t understand...do these boys not have work to do? You know what? Success is a choice. No pressure, no diamonds.”
Furniture Expert: It’s IKEA, so it has to be really good.
Junior: Anals of history? Annals? How do you say that word? Anals?
Ivy senior: That’s why they called it the Dark Ages.
DJ Khaled: I didn’t know what makeup was until Instagram.
Nass Junior: I read The Bell Jar six times in one month.