Junior: Now she works for HR and is totally normal, but you can tell she spent the majority of her youth on quaaludes.
Future Madam President: Instead of watching the GOP debate, I masturbated.
Ivy alum: I find it hard to accept gifts from short men.
Senator, to aide: I need a Twizzler.
There's a mosquito in here and I don't know what to do about it.
Cap member: I've been thinking a lot about how cap has this reputation for being chill but actually what it means is that people try really hard to construct their chillness... there are a lot of cool and chill people in my year but some of them are such tryhards.
NSA employee: I am too drunk to go to work. It's a question of national security.
Me: You're the rap game Edward Snowden.
NSA employee, stricken: No, no...we don't joke about him.
Bodyhype alum: Why would I go to a strip club if I can go to a cast party and get a lap dance for free?
Comp Lit major: I'm a writer; I'm an ideas prostitute.
Leftist Jew: My dad loves the Holocaust.
TI Bro, to alum: If you need another recommendation for the squash club, let me know and I'll tell my dad to put you up.
Williams math major, with ultimate seriousness: Because the car window is cracked, we would likely survive if it went off the bridge.
Tipsy WASP, defensively: I haven't puked from vomiting since Andover.
PR employee: Sometimes when I watch the ISIS torture videos I'm like, this would make a great reality show.
Global Citizen: It seems I have misplaced my phone. It is either in the Ivy Club's TV room or at the Four Season's hotel in Baku, Azerbaijan. Please let me know!