Sophomore, about Paradise Lost: This reminds me of the Da Vinci Code!
Preppy junior: Oxblood Prada loafers are my white whale.
Nietzsche: The greatest haters of world history have always been priests.
Benedictine monk: You don’t have to talk to anyone at meals-- That’s probably the best part about being a monk.
Comforting friend, on prestigious fellowships: They’re only trying to dissuade you because higher yield is sexy, institutionally.
Male: In general, my quality of life is better than the quality of life of the people in the books I read.
Tasteful seller: Dior heels, $150...My mom bought these for me a while ago, but they’re too flashy for me.
The World’s Smartest Woman: No offense meant to science...science is great, we’re livin’ it, lovin’ it.
Thesis troll: I just Googled “how to be optimistic.”
Finance bro to woman, assertively: Do you like blueberries?
Finance Bro: Do you want to eat blueberries with me some time?
Squash freshman: What’s your thesis on?
KA COS major, dismissively: You wouldn’t understand.
Sophomore male: No, I’m not a philosophy major, I’m an ORFE major. Philosophy is my side gig.
I just tripped on a raccoon.
Prof. James, discussing Hitler: What are some other charismatic political figures of the 20th century?
Student 1: Reagan!
Student 2: JFK!
Student 3: Ghandi!
Student 1: Thatcher!
Prof. James, pausing: ...I don’t see that.
Sophomore Theta to other sophomore Theta, incredulously: Wait, you’ve never been to Paris!?
Lit-mag editor: I wrote an opera about Britney and Justin’s breakup. It was performed in London and New York.
Scholar/ Senior/ Sinner: Can I cite myself?